Relationship Rant Thread #5

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lol, nice

well Salamander has said he'd consider a Wiccan ceremony but I'm not keeping my hopes up...

I guess we'll see. At least we're all good on all other aspects. Just religion being the biggest difference between us

 

Wiccan, yet wants a ceremony in a church? It looks to me like we're talking about a fluffy bunny new age hippy wiccan here - a true Wiccan would want nothing to do with a church wedding.

Oh, yeah, my ex officially no longer speaks to me! Finally rid of that biatch. This deserves a special occasion smiley -

 

Erg, does anyone have any advice on long-distance relationships? I am going off to college, and although it is only 45 minutes away, my girlfriend is not confident that it will work out for us. I really really want to try to make it work. I love her very much and don't want it to end over something I don't have much control over anymore.

Is there anything I can plan on doing (and tell her I plan on doing) that will help make this work? We will still be in contact via phone, but we won't get to see each other as often as we do now... maybe once every 2-3 weeks, as opposed to everyday at school and most weekends. We had a heartbreaking conversation the other night where she basically expressed that she didn't think we could make it work... please, I need help with this. I don't want to lose her.

 

Saber, I've been involved in a long-distance for two and a half years back in the days, so trust me when I say I speak from hard experience... very hard experience, as a matter of fact.

First thing, long-distance relationships are VERY difficult to pull out. If the two of you have solid feelings, then this might just strenghten your relationship, as this is a big issue of trust... as if do you trust your partner enough to stick by you, no matter what.

My recommendations on how to make a long-distance work? First, maintain regular contact. Phone, MSN (even better if you both have webcams, so you can see her)... use whatever way you prefer, but make sure the contact never dies... if/when it does, that's where the problems begin. Spend time together whenever you can, and make it special (restaurant/movie, a dinner and evening together, stuff like that). It is a very good way to maintain a good morale, and trust me you'll need it in the long-distance landscape.

If the two of you are prepared to make the efforts and investement, this might be exponentially less harder than you think. For me, when she and I were reunited, when I finally laid my eyes on her, flesh and bone, it made all the wait, the hardships fade away in split seconds. This also made me realize how badly I had missed her, how much she meant to me, and how much I appreciated and loved her.

I have numerous negative experiences of long-distance too... but if you really believe in it, it can and will work. I believe you can pull it off, young Grasshopper.

 

45 minutes really is not much, perhaps you can increase the frequency of your visits? If she comes and sees you one week and you go home the other, you only have to do the distance once every 2 weeks anyway.

Personally, I don't consider 45 minutes long distance, but that may be because our higher education is set up differently. I go home often during the weekend and travel 5 hours to get home and back to uni, but then again, pretty much everyone goes home during the weekend.

Also, is there a more appealing future perspective? When you know it's just one year of missing one another it's easier.

 

Having never had a LDR, I'm no expert Saber, but I have seen some advice from various sources that looks good. Firstly, I'd second what Disciple said about getting a webcam. Even better if you can get a reasonable microphone- it should make the whole conversation much less impersonal. Also try to agree on times that you can talk regularly and try to keep to these appointments as much as you possibly can. Communication, even if it is just talking about your respective days, is vital.

It doesn't seem good that she doesn't think things will work, but you should hopefully be able to convince her to at least give things a go. Quite simply, you won't know if you can sustain a LDR until you try (and if you two don't even give it a go, you've automatically not managed). If she feels the same way about you that you feel about her, there should not be a reason that would prevent you from making things work.

Additionally, Uytuun is right- 45 minutes is not much at all. I drive about 35 minutes just to go trampolining each week! It makes nipping over for an evening a bit harder (obviously!), but certainly is not too much. I also think the idea of alternating visits is a good one- a 45 minute trip once a fortnight really ain't too much.

Best of luck, Saber!

 

Thanks for the advice guys! We had a much more reasonable conversation last night about it, and she said that she was willing to try it and she did not want out relationship to go to waste. She is just worried because she has trouble being alone (I am not sure how to phrase it), so not being able to see me all the time will be hard for her. But she said she is willing to try. Her suggestion was that we could see other people kind of? Like, make-out with other people... I have a huge problem with this. Apparently it helps make the relationship work (I can't see how), but I don't want to kiss anyone else, and I don't want her to kiss anyone else. I have to work it out in my head how that helps I guess.

I agree with the 45 minute thing... it isn't that far, but being a freshman at college is very timeconsuming... everyone I have talked to says first semester is insane. I am not sure how consistently I will be able to get away and go home.

Nevertheless, I am glad she and I had a civil, tearless, accusatory-less conversation, and I feel that we can make this work, although I know it is going to be very tough.

And I am making sure the laptop I am going to get has a webcam, haha, thanks for the advice.

 

Red flag x 5. So it's more about not being alone than being with you? If this is how she feels, I'd let her go... People that have trouble being alone probably need to work on that rather than rely on others to keep them company.

 

NO, IT DOESEN'T. In fact, it won't make the relationship work out, it will disintegrate it! I also echo what Charl said.

 

Great... and so after having a nice day with her today, she just texted me this:

"Hey **** [my name, not a swear]! Sorry to spring this on you, but I was just thinking that the only realistic option i'm seeing for us besides and open relationship, is not actually being in a relationship and hanging out when you're home, or breaking up :-/"

Wow. I am... I don't even know right now.


[Edit]

Haha, DotW, I knew you were going to say that...

We resolved it a bit... basically, I agreed to being in an open relationship... it sucks, but it is better than not being with her at all. So I will suck it up, and if it doesn't work, I will deal with it then. If it works, then I guess I will be happy with the results.

 

Haha, because I really like her. A lot. I fall in love deeply, even though yes, I am young.

This will be an interesting test, actually, to see if I can handle a relationship like this. It will be a learning experience.

We'll see how things go. Thanks for the advice guys, it is nice to have people to type to, haha, however odd that may sound.

 

What?!? I beg to differ, but my first serious relationship happened when I was 17. Lasted a full three years, too.

 

@Saber: Trust me mate, she'll make you cry blood. Ditch the b-diddly-itch. Squse my french, but the chicks playing you man, she's just being cowardly and doing her best so that you'd break it up. She'll make your life a hell the best she can, because in her twisted mind it seems less insulting to make you wanting to kill yourself than being straight with you and breaking it up herself. My advice would be that ignore her. From this minute. She calls you? You don't answer the phone. She writes you a message? You don't write back. What ever you do, do not take or make contact with her. Maybe, just maybe if she'll some begging on her knees for you to take her back, you might consider. But only consider. Don't expect it to happen though. Start thinking that she's as good as dead to you. I'm being harsh, but she's being harsher. Don't go there unless you want to get as miserable as you possibly can. Might feel like a good idea, but you'll be in a world of pain before you know it.

 

Predictable? Yes.

Wrong? No, probably not.


I'm going to have to agree with everyone else here- you quite obviously do not really want an open relationship. The very fact that she wants one and you don't means that you've either misjudged her or, as Iku suggests, this is her way of getting you to end things. You managed to get a girl this time, you should be able to get another without a problem at college. Is she really that special that you are willing to be unhappy and likely seen as just another guy she's with just so that you can occasionally be with her?

While I would disagree with BTA's belief that you are too young for a relationship, everything else he said is spot on. It was good while it lasted, but it isn't going to work anymore.

Sounds like she has fallen out of love, to be honest.

 

Yeah, get rid of that one pal. You can do better.

Do it properly though, make sure she gets the blame and don't give her the easy way out she's looking for. Try and make her feel guilty and let her know you've figured her game out. It's all about being sly.

 

A little harsh, Iku, but unfortunately you make excellent points.

Saber, I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but I'm afraid I can only reiterate what others have said. If you are not comfortable with the thought of an open relationship then don't push yourself into it. If she really cared about you enough to stay loyal to you she wouldn't suggest an open relationship.

This may sound cruel, but what will happen when she starts seeing another guy? Starts kissing someone else and spending time with them instead of talking to you? She may be holding on in case she can't find someone closer.

I just feel she's playing you, Saber, and wouldn't want you to get hurt by something like this. If she's playing games I truly am ashamed for her. It's really hard letting go of people you love but sometimes you have to, for their sake or your own. Please, think of yourself for a moment, you're going to college so will be around a whole new breed of people, seriously, it's quite nuts the difference of people in places like college and university *YOU* may find someone there you would rather spend your time with.

Not every learning experience is worth the pain.

 

To be honest as well Saber... The thought of my girl getting off with somebody else... fook that!!!! I'd break his legs. Or get someone else to do it (I'm not hard enough).

 

BA must be a big Tanya Harding fan...

Alright, gotta get serious... Saber, if you fully believe that you want to try to continue the relationship, then go for it man, you may regret it if you don't. However, if there are any doubts AT ALL I suggest you pull out of it.

 

Count me in. I agree with what they said.

And I at least partly agree with what BTA said, depending on what "playing the field" means. If you go to college, Saber, you do it to learn. So learn, study, meet people - sure, but don't get yourself involved in dramatic relationships with unstable girls. What you need is a woman for life, not a girl for now. That this sounds painful at times, I know well.