Oblivion-work in progress for a modder

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This is a story I am writing for an Oblivion modder and I would like some serious help here. Tenses-I tend to mix tenses up. Idea of what might happen to Kiara as she struggles home.

Plot: The story takes place pre-Oblivion Crisis. The town of Wolfgate lies at the foot of the mountain leading up to Kvatch. It was originally established as a mining center but has grown prosperous and expanded. Serious conflicts have arisen been councillors Wolfgate and civil war looms on the horizon. Lord Bloom-Fang is sending his daughter to the IC for safety. Attacked on the way she escapes death but without knowing it she is bitten and infected by a vampire. She becomes a vampire. After a few adventurers where she finally realizes what has happen to her she arrives home. They love her and help her but there is no known cure for vampirism. She and the son of another noble are deeply in love. Naturally he is upset when he finds out she is vampire. After deep thought he decides to look for a cure. Eventually he succeeds well maybe depends. The story has to have a happy, more or less, ending because at the time of the Oblivion crisis she is living in Wolfgate. I understand that the mod maker intends a quest for her.

Please I need serious critique here. Love the story, hate the story doesn't matter. Tell me how to improve, what to change and I really would appreciate a few ides of what might happen to her or her lover as they adventure. The actual story can end up short or long because that is way stories go in Oblivion.

Tale of Kiara Blood-Fang​

Trouble had arisen in Wolfgate between the councilors and Lord Blood-Fang was concerned for his daughter Kiara. He decided to send her to stay with a friend in the Imperial City. Reluctant to leave her father, Kiara had begged him to let her stay but he had been adamant.

Though the weather was still warm, Kiara tossed a soft woolen cape of mottled greens across her shoulders. She hugged her father and, with tears in her eyes, mounted her spirited mare. With three guardsmen she left Wolfgate and headed down the road towards Skingrad.

The horses were fresh and the early morning air was cool enough that they moved along at a good pace. Cyrodiil had its hazards and the guardsmen kept a lookout for the creatures and bandits that roamed even in the inhabited areas, but the ride was uneventful.

They stopped near Skingrad for a quick lunch and then moved on. As they passed through a ravine arrows flew down at them, striking both men and horses. Kiara’s mare reared as it was struck throwing her to the ground. She rolled into a bushy ditch and lay stunned. The screams of the horses and clashing of weapons sounded in her numbed brain and she lay shivering and frightened. She who had always been cared for and protected now felt naked and alone.

Suddenly a voice rang out, “Soldiers, Imperial soldiers coming. Let’s go.”.

Silence fell and finally Kiara tried to pull herself out of the ditch. Every part of her ached and she fell back as a leg sent a sharp pain through her. She fainted.

She awoke to rain falling on her face. The lanolin filled cape protected her from the rain and slowly she pulled her aching body up. Her leg sent shooting pains through her body and she worried that it was broken. Checking it, she found a deep gash that oozed blood, but she was able to move it. She cast her apprentice healing spell and was able to stand up-right, although she was quite wobbly.

Staggering, she followed the scent of blood to the road where she was shocked by the carnage. The bodies of her three guards and a bandit lay in pools of congealed blood. Flies were buzzing around the corpses and the stench made her feel sick. Fighting her queasiness, she found her mare's body and retrieved her mage staff, a bag of trail rations and a few potions. The rain fell harder and lightening flashed close by. The storm was worsening, hail began to fall and she was exhausted and aching. She knew she could not travel far.

Using her staff to aid her, she staggered back into a rocky area seeking some shelter until the storm had passed. After a little searching she found an opening into a cave. With great care she entered and, seeing no sign of inhabitants, settled in a small alcove near the entrance. After casting another healing spell she slipped into sleep.

She awoke still aching all over and as weary as when she had fallen asleep. After eating a little of the trail food and drinking a potion to help the fatigue, she forced herself to leave the cave and head in the direction she believed Skingrad to be. At least the storm was over, although the sky was cloudy. Her head was woozy and she was so tired she wondered if she could travel. Perhaps she should have stayed in the cave another day.

After struggling through the tall grass and brush for an hour or more she realized that she was lost. Finally she stopped under a rocky overhang to rest. She was hungry but the food she had made her feel ill. She sipped a potion and again fell into a sleep troubled by strange dreams.

Hunger awoke her but she felt much better. Devouring some of her rations she vomited. The craving of her body for fresh meat drove her out to seek prey. She was surprised how well she could see in the pre-dawn light. Finding a rabbit she zapped it with her staff which half cooked the animal. She hungrily devoured the rabbit find that the rawer parts satisfied her the most. She stared dismally at the blood on her hands confused by her strange appetite. Always a fastidious eater she could only assume that the shock and deprivation of the last couple of days had seriously upset her constitution.

Finally Kiara rose and hearing the tinkle of a brook went to it, cleansed herself as best she could, drank and started north as the sun's rays began to rise above the horizon. Her wounds were healing rapidly and she felt energized and aware of every sight, sound and smell.

She was optimistic that she would soon reach Skingrad where she could get help but as the sun rose higher she started to feel hot and feverish. The sunlight touching her face caused a burning sensation and she pulled her hood up to shield her face and kept to the shadows. Despite her renewed strength she became lethargic and wished nothing more than to crawl into a deep cool darkened cave. Forcing herself to continue on she eventually reached the road. Now which direction should she go, east or west? She stopped under the shade of a tree by the side of the road hoping a traveler would pass and she could ask the direction to the city.

 

Kiara's Stroy V2

Kiara Blood-Fang's Story V2​

Soon Kiara heard horse's hoofs. She stepped to the center of the road and waved as the traveler came into view. He stopped a short distance away eyeing her warily.

"Ho there, which direction to Skingrad?"

The man pointed back to the west from where he had come. "it is but a short distance that way. You can not miss it." With that he started his horse and trotted around her.

She trudged down the road and rounding a curve saw the walls of a city. Stopping to speak to the gate guard she asked about getting a message to Wolfgate. He was hesitant in his answer and suggested she speak to one of the guards within the city. Frightened by his slow response she hurried into the city and passed along the ravine that divided Skingrad into two parts.

Seeing a guard up the slope she approached him. "Guard, I need to get a message to my family in Wolfgate. Where can I find a messenger?" Again the guard was hesitant to answer. Finally he said, "I hear there is trouble in Wolfgate. You look tired and ill. Let me escort you to the inn nearby and see if I can find help for you."

She was impatient but decided it might be best to allow him to do as he suggested. He settled her in the West Weald Inn and said he would find aid for her. Ordering a glass of wine she settled in a corner to await the return of the guard.

Shortly another guard entered the inn. Approaching her he introduced himself, "I am Captain Crag. May I sit, my lady?" She nodded and he sat down facing her.

"I understand you wish to send a message to Wolfgate." Again she simply nodded. "At the moment there is no communication with Wolfgate. We have reports of civil war." She sat up concern written across her face. "Sorry, my lady, but I have little information other than that."

"My Father! I must get to my Father!" "Please calm yourself. It is obvious you have been through an ordeal. Tell me of it." His quiet but authoritative tone calmed her a bit and she told him what had happened.

After her story was finished, he leaned back and thought a moment. "It is best if you stay here for the moment. You can rest and clean up. The innkeeper is a good woman and will help you. Meanwhile I will see what I can find out and will know where to find you. I promise you that as soon as I have any information I will let you know."

She hesitantly and unhappily agreed to this. Her father had supplied her well with septims so she had no concern on that account. She took a room and as it was early yet she had the bathing room to herself. The Innkeeper was kind and loaned her a simple but comfortable robe while her things were cleaned. There was even a mirror and she sat in front of it staring at her pale face and slightly red eyes. Her wounds had almost healed but a puncture in a neck itched. A thorn she absently thought and paid it no mind.

Retired to her room she found a meal set for her. She tried a piece of fruit but found it made her nauseous. She was able to keep down a portion of the venison and drank a little red wine. Restless but not knowing what to do she lay down and fell into a fitful sleep.

Ragging hunger woke her. Going to the table she tried to eat the food there but her body screamed that was not what was needed. Driven by a sense of starvation she stumbled down the stairs. Seeing the sleeping Innkeeper she took a step towards her, the desire to sink her teeth into the exposed neck almost overwhelmed her. Horrified she stoped. What was she thinking? What was wrong with her? She whirled and fled into the night. Finally she found herself at the Temple and crept softly in and up to the main altar. She reached out and touched it. Silence, nothing happened, there was no response from the holy object. She flung herselt at the base weeping. Finally pulling herself up she wentt to the side altars, each dedicated to one of the Nine. Once again there was no response. Fear and terror overcoming her she staggered out into the night. Wandering aimlessly and without thought she found herself on the road up to the castle.

She had met Janus Hassildor, Count of Skingrad, once when she went with her father there on official business. She knew he was a powerful wizard perhaps he could help. Passing a couple of guards who only looked at her wonderlingly she entered the castle and stopped by th well. A small bit of her inate common sense was returning to her. She was barefoot, dressed in a common robe now dirty and bedraggled She must think, she must be a lady and not burst hysterically demanding to see the Count.

"Kiara, Kiara Blood-Fang?" a man's voice asked. She turned and eveni in the dim light could see him clearly. Count Hassildor stood staring at her one eyebrow raised. All she could do was choke out, "Help me. Please help me."

He stepped close to her. The robe had fallen from around her neck and he looked down then reached out and gently touched her neck. "Let us go inside and you will tell me what has happened to put you in this state." Taking her arm he lead he inside and through the silient castle to a sumptuous room. Seating her at a small table he went to a cupborad and returned with two goblets and two decanters He poured a bit of red liquid from each decanter into a goblet and handed it to her then from one decanter filled the other.

He seated himself and toying with his goblet he watched her, sadness on his face. For a moment his thoughts went inward and the sadness deepened. He shook himself and spoke, " I can help you if you will let me but first tell me your story. I know, from my Captain, of the attack on you and your wandering for several days but I want to here it from you. All of it, everything that happened, that you felt, that you saw."

Taking a sip from the goblet and then gulping it down she began. Hesitantly at first then quickly her story fell out and she gazed at him with pleading, frightened eyes. The count listened intently without speaking until she had finished.

"So you visited the Temple and the altars did not respond to your touch. There is no gentle way to tell you and I think you suspect already." Kiara nodded helplessly then shock her head whispering, "No, no it can not be."

"I hope you are one of the strong one because you have been infected with vampirism and it has passed to the stage where the gods cannot or willnot heal you.""

Kiara shrank back in her chair, crying out. The count poured from one of the decanters. "Drink this, it is only wine but at least our good red Skingrad wine." She took the goblet and sipped from it her eyes never leaving him.

"First let me tell you what I know of Wolfgate. The news is bad. There has been civil war and many of the residents are dead. Your father has been reported as one of the dead." She cried out and buried her head in her hands crying wildly. He let her cry on for a while, then gently pulled her hands away and wiped the tears from her face.

"Mourn later. For now we must deal with what has happened to you. Wolfgate will need you. You are heir to the Blood-Fang titles and properties."

Slowly she gained control of herself. "How can I help anyone when I have become such an evil thing?" she whispered.

"Evil? No, you do not need to be evil, just realistic. You must learn how to control your needs and desires just as humans must learn to deal with theirs. The choice is yours. I have ruled Skingrad for generations. Ask my people if they are happy, if they have good lives. My county prospers and is at peace. Perhaps they do not love me but neither do they fear me. Few know my true nature. Most think of me only as a powerful wizard and that I am. First you must learn what is truth and what is myth. You must learn what to do so as not to sink into the mindless, animal state which overcomes so many."

Kiara exclaimed, "You a vampire? No, you are a powerful wizard so I have heard, so my father said."

The count smiled slightly, "Oh yes, I am a powerful wizard, I am a powerful ruler and I am a powerful vampire."

Kiara listened to him talk and gradually felt more relaxed although she longed to be alone to weep for her father. She was torn between her desire to sink into anguished mourning and her fear of what she had become.

The count arranged for her to stay in the castle and spent many hours with her telling her what she must do and what would happen if she did not feed. He explained that she could feed on the blood of mammals but would need human blood from time to time.

Days passed as she learned from him until one day he told her that things had quieted at Wolfgate and he felt she was ready to return. He provided her with supplies and a couple of castle guards to escort her and they set out. Arriving at Wolfgate she found many buildings destroyed and residents wandering aimlessly, searching through the wreckage and staring into space, lost and desolate. Her home was damaged but still inhabitable and she gathered people and set about the work of rebuilding lives, hers and theirs.

 

First of all -- excellent idea and very good descriptive writing. It reads well. Now onto the critique you were asking for ....

My first thought is ... is this a tale (something that happened in the past) or a story? You've set it up to be a tale (past tense), but are telling it like a story (current tense).

Determine the voice you want to use. Is this Kiara telling the story or someone telling it for her? Is this to be a written record or a verbal tale?

The basics of the story are sound. For a story I tend to believe tight writing is best -- but for a tale, embellishment is usually a trait of that style.

For example:

Why did Lord Blood-Fang only use three guards to protect his most prized possession? Embellish on the trouble and why the Lord would fear for his daughter's safety.

Why would the vampire in the cave want to make her a vampire instead of killing her? Perhaps this will be answered later -- or even never answered. You initially stated she finds out over the course of several adventures she's a vampire -- yet she's just been told in the second installment. I like the idea of her slowly changing into a vampire -- having her meat prepared more and more raw, shifting to red wine, finding herself fascinated by blood ... until she finally drinks. The initial attacking and devouring of the rabbit raw seemed forced -- unless you've abandoned the slowly learning strategy.

What is her motivation to disobey her father and get back to Wolfgate -- instead of going on to the "IC" as her father wanted? Perhaps she would decide to disobey her father after hearing about the civil riots, nobles hunted down and lynched in the streets, other leaders in hiding, etc..

She is accustomed to being catered to, yet she is incredibly polite -- she sounds like a peasant when she is asking for things, not like noble. A noble would be pissed that people aren't helping her immediately -- and fly into a rage when they do not answer her questions.

Once again, I like the story. And I apologize if I've offended with the critique -- but I think this kind of critique is what you were aksing for.

Edit: By the way it is perfectly acceptable for you to change the direction of story while you are writing it. Some of my comments were based on your introduction -- if you were unhappy with the progression using those initial constraints then my comments are obviously off-base.

 

Wonderful, T2Bruno just what I was looking for. The weakness of my start was due to my not knowing exactly what the story of Wolfgate was. I know a little more now and probably should go back and embellish that a bit. Wolfgate was originally founded as a mining town and ruled, I gather, by a group of councillors. There was a war between the councillors which basically destroyed the town and it was rebuilt.

The story will appear in the mod as a book. Books in Oblivion are usually kept short. How many people playing a game sit and read a book? Sometimes the story covers several volumes. I can think of a few that use 4 or more volumes to tell the story so the story can be spread some.

Spellbound made a suggestion regarding the vampire who bit her which I intend to use and which will explain his leaving her alive and he will be more a Count Hassildor type vampire than the stereotypical animal type vampire.

As stated tenses are a big problem for me, commas too. I'm getting help from the members of FAI.

Towns and counties in Cyrodiil are limited as to the number of soldiers they may have and distances between cities are not great. Lord Blood-Fang would be lucky to have 6 soldiers on his personal staff. Technically I think he wold have had to hire mercenaries.

Thanks again. T2, please feel free to comment and make suggestions.

by the way, it is a tale which took place in the past. Currently she is living in Wolfgate as Oblivion opens and Kvatch is destroyed.

Unfortunately I think the style most natural and comfortable for is the story telling one. No bard am I to sing an exagerated saga of the heroes, heroines and demons of ancient times.

I see the scene in my mind almost as if it were a video taking place as I watch.

 

That would be me.

 

Kiara's Story V3-strictly a draft

With the help of a few close relatives and friends Kiara had been able to hide her condition from the world at large. Her biggest concern was Tandor, the young man whom she loved. They had been sweethearts for most of their young lives and their families had favored the union.

Kara tried talking to Tandor about vampires and vampirism but he became upset and declared that all vampires should be destroyed. She brought up the subject of the hidden vampires of Cyrodiil, ones who even served on the Elder Council and other high offices. Tandor said that was impossible that it was easy to tell who was a vampire and who was not. "Vampires can't go out in the sunlight and have red eyes. They kill for the joy of killing and cannot control themselves", he said. "No, Tandor, you are wrong. Not all vampires enjoy killing and those who are able to control themselves can tolerate some sunlight." she replied. He angerly responded, "How do you know this?" She sighed and slowly spoke, "Because I am one, I am a vampire."

He moved away from her in horror. "No!, Not you! How? When did this happen?" She told him what had happened but did not mention the Count. "I survive without killing. It isn't easy and I certainly do not like but there is no cure. So now will you kill me?"

He took a step towards her then drew back again. "Kara, I love you. There must be something we can do. There must be a cure. I will search for one and return when I find it."

Again he took a step towards her then turned and left the building. Kara bowed heard and tears ran down her face. "alas, I may never see him again."

After Kiara buried her father and other family members she found she had little time to mourn for them. She was now the leading lady of Wolfgate and despite her youth most of the surviving residents looked to her for help and guidance.

Fortunately the devastation had been restricted to the town. The farms and mines had escaped the civil war and she also found quite a bit of treasure laid away in the vault. The enemies of her family had fled to parts unknown to her and she was able to work without hindrance. Of course the surviving elders all wanted to tell her what to do. She smiled politely and set about restoring the town.

Her days settled into a routine of hard work as she gathered people into work groups, bought needed supplies and hired extra laborers. Slowly the town was rebuilt and life returned to something resembling normalcy.

She was able to go outside in the daytime if she was carefully. She was not happy about being a vampire but she adjusted and gradually accepted her life. She found that she was stronger and her senses much more acute than when she had been human. The fact that she was solemn and no longer the happy, laughing girl she had been did not surprise anyone. They just assumed she was sorrowing over the loss of her family and the heavy responsibilities that had fallen on her shoulders.

Count Hassildor became her political mentor, Master in Magicka training and surrogate father. She spent many hours with him learning so much. They explored the country side as he showed how to safely feed and move undetected. In the bowels of Castle Skingrad she honed her natural skills in magicka. Her powers grew greatly and rapidly. Politics came just as naturally to her and yes, she learned also to manipulate others using not only her own charm but the enhanced charm of the vampire.

Tradition depicts the vampire as a crazed animal attacking and then gouging upon its victim but the sane, controlled, intelligent vampire who remains reasonably humanoid looking exudes charisma, attracting members of both exes without their being aware of how or why. Through all this Kiara remained devoted to the service of her people and good despite the calamity that come upon her.

Months passed and she had no word from Tandor. This worried and saddened her One day she realized that she had become so used to be a vampire that she wondered if he did return with a cure would she take it. She tried to persuade herself that she would but honesty finally compelled her to accept that she had become dependent on the enhanced powers it gave her.

One night when she was returning from a farm she became aware of another person and stopped prepared for danger. A man, looking not mucholder than she was, stepped from the shadows Immediately she realized he was a vampire. She was alert and ready for battle for vampires were as much enemies to each other as they were to their prey, more so in fact.

He lifted his hands in a gesture of peace and friendship. "Fear not, Kiara, I am Caldron and I have observed you from a distance since the first day. May I walk a bit with you?"

She moved off towards Wolfgate keeping a wary eye on him but he left a comfortable distance between them and began to talk of some of happenings around Cyrodiil. She found she enjoyed his company and conversation. Much as she had grown to love Janus Hassildor the difference in their ages left a vacuum in her life. Without realizing it she missed the companionship of some near her age who could truly understand and accept what she was. No matter what society thought she had no peers except the Count.

Reaching the walls of Wolfgate he bid her good night and vanished into the shadows. She stared after him for a moment then slipped quietly into Wolfgate and her home.