What to tell your children when someone dies

Remove all ads!

Last week, an uncle of my wife and my in-laws cat both died. My 2 1/2 yr old was fond of the uncle and very fond of the cat. The wife and I have discussed what to tell her when she asks where they are. We both prefer not to lie, but never really came up with a solution. But, the catch. Heaven. My wife is a believer, I'm not. We himmed and hawed for a while and then she asked her mother, when Big Daddy Blades wasn't present. So the wife responds with "they are now in heaven", leaving the whole "they died" thing out of it. The little one asked me later that night where they are, with me not knowing she previously asked her mother. I answered, they are up in the skies now, leaving out the whole religous aspect. She wanted to go too. That one hurt a bit.

What do you guys/gals tell your little ones?

 

That's a tough one - my son is also about 2 1/2 years old. It's something that I never even considered up until now, as the only senior family members are the grandparents, all four of whom are in good health. I don't know what I'd say. I cannot even help you out for what happened with me. My first grandparent died when I was 14, so I was already old enough to understand.

 

I was 2 1/2 when my dad died. My mum is a believer in Christianity but lost her faith when dad died. However, she told me that he had gone to heaven and it was a special place that good people went to. She said that my dad would be able to see me and look after me all the time even when I couldn't see him.
To be honest, it was easier to explain it that way to a kid my age than to explain death. At 2, I had no concept of death...the closest she could have got to an explanation was 'You know when Sesame Street ends?'

Mum wasn't forcing religion on me but trying to tell me that dad wasn't coming back without hurting me too much.

A cold caller rang not soon after that and I answered. Told her that daddy was in heaven and mummy was crying in the kitchen....that company never did phone back!

 

It always seems counter intuitive to me to tell kids people go up to heaven when they die, yet we bury them down in the ground.

As for your question, when my aunt died and my son (3 at the time) was close to her. He wanted to know what happened. I told him the truth. She died. I explained to him that everybody dies. I don't believe in lying to my children.

 

The best answer is the truth: death. My wife (a counselor) even suggests an open casket, so the child has a concrete sense of finality. Kids don't really get abstracts, after all, so 'he's gone to a better place' or 'he's moved on' can hurt more than 'he's dead', because it can leave a sense of abandonment. Plus, the whole 'I want to go, too' bit can be creepy.

For those of us that are religious, explaining that death is a change, and not the end, can come after. The kid's sure to ask at some point.

My first cat died when I was very young (maybe 4 years old?), and I not only was told the truth, but saw the dead body. It was sad, but nothing more. The 'phobia' around the concept of death and dead bodies (not you dying, mind you) is really a learned cultural thing. Little kids shouldn't have it yet.

 

Open casket for kids?!?! You must be having a laugh! I spent ages looking under beds to find my dad when I was a kid. I think an open casket would have had me trying to wake him up at the funeral!

 

That's a tough one -- no matter what you tell them, even if you are quite clear that the person is not coming back, kids tend to think that they will come back -- it takes time for them to realize the finality of it all, and their innocent confusion can rub salt into the wounds of those who do understand the situation. But it's a part of life that we all face, be it at 2 years old or 42 years old.

 

I wasn't (and am not now) scared of death. I just had no concept of the meaning of death. Putting kids in front of an open casket is just dim. It doesn't help at all and is just going to confuse them! However, that is just my personal experiance. Different people deal with things in different ways.

One thing I do think is that it's a really stupid thing to listen to councellors and people like that in these cases. They don't know you, your kid or your family. Plus, they have this dreadful habit of thinking that having a bunch of paperwork to say that they have read all the books makes up for real experiance

 

My little one keeps asking where the cat is, even after we tell her over and over. What can you do? Just have patience and keep telling her is the best path that I can think of.

I don't know about the open-casket though. I remember seeing my grandmother in one as a kid, I think I was around 7 and it kinda seemed a bit creepy, as it didn't really look like her, more like a fake her. She was always smiling in life and to see her like that felt, well, wrong.

 

As I understand it, part of the rationale behind an open casket is that very thing though - by seeing that person dead, you then truly comprehend and accept the fact that they're dead.

Not seeing the cat dead would probably lead to a child wondering where it is. I'm not suggesting you show you're little one the dead cat, but it makes sense that she would wonder where it is without knowing it's dead. I'd expect she'll soon forget though ... one of the great things about kids is their resiliency. They can basically get over anything. Adults can too, but they seem to do it with a lot more angst. Kids oftentimes just shrug their shoulders and move on. If only we all did that.

 

Not necessarily. My mom couldn't deal with her grandma moving away when she was 4. She was inconsoleable for months, crying all the time. Her grandma eventually had to move back!
There are both kids and adults out there that have a hard time coping with stuff, let alone moving on. I'd say, if there should be a general rule for all cases, then stick to the knowable. Death is final, don't misinform people. If people (of whatever age) can't deal with the truth, then no excessive blame will fall upon you: Inappropriate information is less offensive than inappropriate misinformation. If people judge your cold, hard information to be unkind and harsh, then you will be seen as careless and insensitive at worst. When you intentionally misinform people (and that leads to its own problems), that can be seen as deliberately malicious.
An open casket can be insensitive, but telling stories about the unknowable as if they were truths, is more wrong.

 

What if your religion posits these things as absolute truths? Christianity doesn't really say anything in any details. There are some analogies made to sleep, some indications that we spend some time in heaven (there's a reference to the martyrs calling for vengence from under the altar in heaven, but that's likely imagery), and then the final judgement, but not really anything more than that. Some people believe quite firmly about certain aspects of life after death. I don't think telling your children those things is any worse than telling them about your religious beliefs in general (and I know we have some mixed opinions about that on these boards).

 

It's a difficult topic and a painful one, for everyone involved.

I'm pretty sure they told me my great-grandparents were dead when they died. Probably mentioned Heaven too, but death part was there.

Open casket is perfectly normal around here. It's traditional (unless there is an objective reason why there shouldn't be one). Family says goodbye to the dead person, children included. It's customary to kiss the dead person's cheek, if you're close family.

Have to say I'm in favour of the open casket. Don't really see anything morbid about it.

I was 5 or 6 when my great grandfather died, but was younger when the others died. Don't remember much about their deaths, except that someone said that one of them had come back (from grave) to take the other one with them. It was a joke, but I had a dream about it later. Not a concept for little kids.

I remember how my greatgrandfather looked in the casket and that his cheek was cold. It doesn't affect how I think of him. I only started crying when we got home back to his room and he wasn't there. That was death. Not a body in the ground.

As for the religion part, I do not see anything wrong with telling your own children what you believe in and what likely your family has believed in for centuries, or likewise, not mentioning anything if you are not religious. Both approaches are accurate. Children will make up their own minds when old enough. It's not really a matter of the stories being right or wrong, true or false. A parent has a responsibility to explain the world to their child, and to do it as best as they can. If faith figures in, let it. If not, no harm done.

I think that trying to explain is far more important then what you say.
To provide assurance, naturally embedded into the rest of the information, even if you just pass on what you were told as a child.
Even if it's:
We spill the wine on the ground for them to drink, take food to their graves and kiss the monuments in greeting and to say goodbye.
We light candles to remember them.
They died and went to the afterlife. Their souls are around for 40 days more. Their bodies are buried. They are family.
You watch over the body and the candle must burn all night. You send with them what they loved.
You poke them with a needle, so they don't come back. *shrugs*

Anyhow, religion or not, I don't think that euphemisms help. Death is there.
I hope I never have to tell a child that someone it loved died. But I will tell them exactly that. They died. They'll never be back. They love you.

 

This topic reminds me of an old joke (I know, not really appropriate, but I can't help myself...):

There are two brothers, Sam and David. Sam asks David to to watch his house and cat while he is away on vacation. Sam calls David to ask how things are going.

David swallowed hard, "Well, your house is still standing. Nice place you have here by the way. Sorry to tell you this but your cat died."

"What?!" Sam said. "You just can't tell someone that their cat is dead. You have to break it down to them gently. The first time I call you should say that the cat is on the roof and yo can't get it off. The second call you should say that the cat lost its footing trying to catch a bird, it fell and now it's at the vet. The third call you should be to tell me that the vet says that it's not looking good for the cat. On the fourth call you let me know that my cat died peacefully in its sleep."

David agreed.

"So," Sam continues. "How's Grandma?"

"Well, Grandma's on the roof and we can't get her off."

 

I was in High School, when my father died. My only lovable sister came and ask about father, i was speechless for a moment, i was not getting any word to tell her. After a while, i slowly replied, our father became a STAR in the galaxy. He will always watch you and take care of you.
I don't know, what she understood, but she stop crying.
its really so hard to explain someone's dead to a child.