Spanking Kids / Causing Pain / OK?

Remove all ads!

Ok, tell me how do you 'teach' your kids!

I'm open to suggestion. I really am. We have two, older girl and younger boy. There is friction programmed between the two of them.
The oldest is already past the whole bum-treatment age, so it's just the boy every once in a while.

So far our cubs do well and we as a parent think we do more right than wrong.
The spanking doesn't necessarily end in tears or drama.
The hard words or cutting off privileges often does end in drama-queen and kings.

But in case you think we spanked our kids all the time, I have to tell you that it is not so.
I do sometimes spank my missus, though, on occasions

But since T2 is right, it will be my last contribution here on that matter.
I do accept that there are rules or philosophies that are unique to each family.
And they deal according to it. They do what they consider right.

But there is no deus ex machina when it comes to rising kids. And people learn as they go.
But if you insist on relying on todays shrink-talk too much, it wont get you much further either.
They don't have all the answers, you know.

 

There is no real distinction, some people might be able to see it but for every "gentle loving tap on the bum" there is the slap in the face, the bruises on the thighs or the hot sauce in the eyes. No matter how condescending you might be Tal I will not believe it is ok to to find it ok to strike children. It is wrong from a practical point of view and it is wrong from a moral point of view. There is an ocean of repercussions between the slap and nothing. I understand that people have a hard time accepting that their parents might have been wrong in hitting them and they themselves are wrong in hitting their children. People love their parents, even the truly abused child loves its parents so I can understand why people want to support their parents' methods. You can actually still love and respect them even if you discard some of their parenting tools. As for your bizarre story about "reality" you really should look into the facts of this issue. The research, the science. The picture you paint is dead wrong.

Maybe I should stop now so I won't get accused of trolling again for expressing an opinion you disagree with.

 

Well, I put down the "extremely rare cases" even though I have to say I've never spanked my son. I find I can get his attention just fine when I grap one and his fingers between my index finger and thumb, and squeeze (not hard). This happened the other day when he got pissed off at me, and decided to smack me upside the head. He says, "Hey, that kind of hurts!" but it gets his attention and he stops what he's doing. He's never been hit to the point he cries.

I also think it depends on the parents. A shout from dad caries a lot more weight with my son than the same thing from mom. He argues with my wife, he cowers in fear when I yell at him. A shout is quicker, painless, and accomplishes the same goal.

 

I don't. My mother and step-father are both dead and I really don't miss either (I actually felt quite good knowing my step-father passed).

Let me repost a reply I made to you last month:

To me this was just extreme:

To me that anyone could possibly believe a slight swat on the butt where the mark goes away within a few minutes would be comparible to real abuse is laughable. Such statement simply lowers the criminal aspect of abuse such as being beaten so severely the victim cannot move for two days (which my sisters both swear happened to me, but I don't remember it) or being hit about the head until a person cannot be recognized by their own family a week later (which happened to my sister). A child getting a mild swat on the butt isn't in fear for their lives and doesn't need to run half naked out of the house from a gun wielding step parent.

Abuse is not nearly as common as mild discipline. The children I knew that were "spanked" did not get a fist to the face or have a cigarette extinguished in their skin. They did not have to peel their pajamas off their body the morning after the "spanking".

If I believed laws such as the one where you're at prevented child abuse I would be on that band wagon in a heart beat. But the fact remains those laws are as ineffective as restraining orders for an abuser.

 

Yes and the people who did that t2 are hiding behind the very same arguments used by the supporters of "slight swat".

 

What is the argument against the slight swat again -- other than it being illegal in Sweden? In post after post of people explaining why a slight swat isn't this horrible evil thing, I've lost sight of why we even need to have the discussion. I know it's not that people are trying to claim that this is abuse, because I don't think anyone on this message board is that deluded, misguided, or just plain off their rocker. So what's the issue?

Barring places where this is illegal, slight swats are perfectly okay. They always have been. They always will be.

 

According to joacqin, it's the same as any other strike, basically.

What I still wonder about is the 'why not?' part. I don't think such a notion is self-evident, so it needs explaining. In response to that (in general), Montresor at least stepped up to the plate and offered something tangible:

It sounds like he acknowledges that there are different degrees, but maintains that it all comes out in the wash as far as negative impressions go.

Anyway, that's why all the round-and-round with the "is not!" / "is too!" stuff - too little 'splaining, too many supposed 'statements of fact.'

 

Right.

So what we essentially have is 1 guy claiming that any sort of spanking is abuse, even the slight swats. Most of the rest of us realize that slight swats aren't abuse, but somehow the burden of proof is on all of us, rather than the one guy. Isn't this all a little bass ackwards?

Joacqin, why don't you explain to the class why a slight swat is abuse. The fact that it's illegal in Sweden isn't a valid reason for those of us who don't live there. So why should the rest of us adopt this viewpoint?

 

Can no one else see what's really going on here?

jaoqin is just upset and afraid because he knew he wasn't supposed to light the grail-shaped beacon. Bad, evil, naughty jaoqin. And there is but one punishment. You must tie him to a bed and spank him. After you spank him, you may deal with him as you like.

And then, you must spank me.

 

I think that is wrong. As parents, we are teaching our kids that since they are at a very young age, as they are really not able to grasp the consequences of all their actions at a level that the parents can, that they will get a spank on the bottom if they continue to do what their parents have repeatedly told them not to do. As they mature, they will realize what their parents were doing. Teaching and raising. It didn't take me long in life to realize that my when parents spanked us as kids, not because they are terrible human beings, they did it so we wouldn't do somehting that would harm ourselves or others when other methods of teaching this lesson failed. Once we were old enough to figure this out, they stopped spanking. I thnk I was in kinder-garten the last time I was spanked. I have no hard feeling against my parents for spanking my siblings and I. It was never done in anger. Or mostly not. I can't say my parents were perfect, but they did try their best. Why is this so hard to grasp?

 

In all seriousness, you should apply that argument in order to be consistent with that position. If any type of inflicted discomfort is abuse, then that should include psychological discomfort as well as physical. In fact, I suspect that some would argue that psychological trauma can be as bad or worse than physical trauma.

I guess that leaves us only the reward system. Give them treats for good behavior. But you'd still have to give them treats for bad behavior too in order to not inflict any discomfort. (This is all assuming that your ten month old who wants to stick his head in the oven doesn't understand your reasoning for why he shouldn't do it, but maybe he will so in that case we're all good. )

 

I voted for option #2.

 

Notice by the current stats that its the people who have kids think spanking is ok, and the people who dont have kids think its wrong.

 

I haven't voted yet (I will in a second), but count me among those who don't yet have kids (workin' on it!) but also don't believe that spanking is wrong. It should be a last resort, of course, and one should obviously pull one's punches - but I don't think it wrong. A spank/smack should be soft enough not to cause damage but hard enough to make your point.

I was fortunate to come from a stable home free from abuse. I was only spanked a few times, personally - the memory of my red, stinging buttocks from the rare instances I DID deserve a spanking were a pretty successful deterrent. While not "spanking" or "hitting" per se, I did, on a few occasions during my rebellious teenage years get my "bell rung" by my father (his term). Simply a forceful open-handed smack to the side of the head. Used very sparingly, of course - but boy, did it ever get my attention. And at the time, I had it coming, believe me. It was unpleasant, to be sure - but effective, and it served its purpose.

Not once did my parents roll a fist, use an object (belt, switch or otherwise), or even leave a bruise. It's by this measure that I can categorically say I was never physically abused. I was disciplined, period. I plan to use the same playbook with my own kids, as it worked pretty well for my brothers and I.

 

Jack hates time-outs. My wife does it to Jack sometimes, because he will actually argue with her. When she tells him to go to timeout, he sulks over, plops himself down, and usually says "Damn it!" I don't have to use timeouts, because I'm the enforcer in the house. Dad doesn't get mad often, but when he does he means business, and simply raising my voice is enough to put an immediate stop to any inappropriate behavior.

My son stops, gets a very sad look on his face, and will say, "Daddy, you don't have to be so mean." The point is though, raising my voice works for my kid, even if it makes him a bit sad in the process.