What is the Friendzone? Does it really even exist?

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joacqin keeps making these good points. When you're in school/college/university, due to common schedules, classes, etc., it is inevitable that you will at least develop casual friendships with a lot of people of both genders. Once you get out of school though and join the workforce, that doesn't happen nearly as much. Sure, there are people of both genders you meet at work, but unlike in school, they aren't all around you're age, and many of them may already be married. So the opportunities go down. And it is certainly true - a natural response even - that if you meet someone of the opposite gender who is around your age and not in a relationship with someone else, who also happens to have qualities you value as a friend that you're likely going to find them attractive as well.

 

My 14 year old son has a lot of friends, from both his school and neighbourhood. I would say that over half of them are girls. I asked him a couple days ago his opinions on this friendzone topic. I guess it's really not a surprise that his answer concurs with pretty much the rest of you guys here. There isn't a single one of those female friends that he isn't attracted to in some way.

 

Did these friends pass Aldeth's friend test - "considered going out with ... for a dinner/beer/ball game/whatever?" High school would be a bit different I think, just because so much social interaction is a group thing - parties, sports, etc. I'm not sure that having gone to the same 9 parties and 8 football games as some girl (i.e. being in their crowd) qualifies as genuinely socializing together in a real friend capacity. That would be moreso the beer bong escapades you had with your three best buddies.

 

Men can be amazingly simply creatures you know. Chances are if neither person is already in a committed relationship, you are friendly and somewhat attractive, and you are also about the same age as us, after talking with you for a while, we'll probably want to get in your pants. Just sayin'...

 

Sounds like friendzone, flirting or no. You would have jumped her but for something preventing it on her end. Maybe she would have jumped you too, but she was already sexually fulfilled, while you weren't, but she still got 'friendship' from you, which is all you got from her without the sexual fulfillment she already had. She had it all, you had half. Advantage - girl, but maybe you could call it Friendzone level 5 or something less severe.

What did she refer to you as?

Here's another nuance to this whole thing: I was reading on another board where some sad sack reported that he got together with a 'friend' that he had long desired, and that they decided to make a go of it, but that she had special needs and was 'polyamorous' and wanted to have an ongoing sexual relationship with her ex-boyfriend while dating the sad sack guy. She said that he would be her 'primary' while the ex would be her 'secondary.' The guy was naturally very conflicted over this but apparently consented after much pressure from the girl, because he was so smitten (see my remarks up the thread about being loveblind) that he didn't want to lose her at any cost. Now he is an informed cuckold. I'm not sure what to call that, lol.

 

Friendzone is when one person has feelings while the other doesn't but still wants to have a platonic relationship. That is how I see it.

I would also again be a jerk and point out that women often consider themselves as having many male friends while men don't. Just like many men might be annoyed at ending up in the friendzone I am sure many women would be sad to find out how few of their male friends actually consider them a friend. Even if they don't want to actively hit that just now a guys friends are his mates. Women are mostly acquaintances but again there are exceptions.

 

Frustrated.

 

Did he want a secret affair or an arrangement like above where everybody knew what was going on? I have to admit the arrangement thing is a bit new on me - seems to be a somewhat modern development.

Ah, I see. I didn't think you were celibate btw, just that you weren't getting it regular like her. Guess I don't know what to call that!

 

Um... Probably by his name?

Well, to put it as bluntly as possible, was he really smitten, or just horny? When I was in my early to mid 20s, and a girl wanted such a relationship with me, where I could still put one through her now and again, AND have a relationship with someone else if I so desired, I know EXACTLY what I would call that: IDEAL.

 

No, he was crying into his keyboard as near as I can tell. This wasn't just an 'open' relationship from what I gather, but supposedly a committed relationship where the girl would be allowed to have sex and a secondary committed relationship with guy #2. That's drastically different than 'friends who f***' or what have-you, particularly so if the aggrieved party is deeply invested for whatever reason.

I don't follow ...

 

It was a joke - and admittedly not a particularly funny one. I was saying the girl likely referred to dmc by his name.

 

Ah, okay. Well what I was getting at with that is that dmc's title with her might shed some light on what we should call their relationship. Flirtzone, lol.

 

It is a concept invented by internet nerds. Never really got it. It's supposed to mean that the girl in question wants to keep you as a friend, but not more than that. Theoretically, it's all kinds of awkward and technically it's indeed not really a 'friendzone'. But then again, I wouldn't know what to call it. Never been in love with people that I would call my friends.

 

Okay, that's an interesting detail because it might mean you really were a contender and that it was just the sense of right and wrong the both of you had that prevented it. That would definitely not be friendzone imo. (But her BF might have been in danger of friending if she had a wandering eye, ha-ha. Distance and lack of attention can do that to people.) So if that were all true, I would call that zone the Contenderzone. (I think the whole "zone" idea is limited to friends though really; zones are strange and threatening places, like The Twilight Zone. So just Contender would do.)

As to names, I assume that if she introduced you to someone she would not say "this is dmc, he is a good dmc of mine." Friend? Huggy-bear? Stud-muffin? The real test would be what she said about you in confidence to her girlfriends.

I've heard that before lol ... like most group dynamics maneuvers it seems mainly to be a defense mechanism used by internet nerds to try to disassociate themselves from other internet nerds. You can't demonstrate a lack of legitimacy for a concept by naming and disparaging a group that may or may not be involved with the concept. e.g., video games are stupid because internet nerds play them.

 

Oh, no, I'm totally doomed!

This has been really enlightening, but as my initial reaction indicates, it scares the heck out of me. You see, I'm a woman AND I don't even START to get attracted to a man until we've been friends for a few months. And by friend, I actually mean more than just hanging out a few times outside of work. I mean, someone I can talk to about my dreams, my fears, my opinions . . . If a guy starts asking for more (physically) too early, I just completely freak out. Not sure why -- I just have trust issues, I guess. That doesn't mean I don't want anything eventually.

And to be honest, like several guys have mentioned, I've pretty much always fallen for my male friends . . . we just have to be friends first. As others have mentioned, respect is huge. I need to respect them, but I also need them to respect me, and unfortunately, that does mean my boundaries. I had never heard of this friendzone thing, but it looks like the end of any serious chance I might have to meet the right person. I hope there are still men out there who don't mind being friends first for awhile. Because otherwise, I'm going to end up the old maid cat lady . . . I might be headed that way anyway, but I'd like to at least have a fighting chance.