I need your advice, my fellow Sorcerers...

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Most of you are fairly older than me and so you likely have more experience when it comes to dealing with such things. If you wouldn't mind, could you please give me some advice?

Let me start by saying that a few days ago I met this girl at school and we've been hanging out on our college campus. We're still very much just acquaintances at this point, but she sent me a friend request on Facebook. I accepted her friend request and saw something absolutely terrifying. This girl is the cousin of a girl I had a crush on early last year. It gets worse though, I was very much a different person back then and I was very socially awkward, and to be honest I was a little bit obsessed with this girl. I didn't stalk her or anything bad like that, but I just couldn't stop thinking about her; nor did I "take the hint" that she wasn't interested in me.

Well I eventually moved on about a month later and in the time that has passed, I have become a very different person. Back then I was a bit obsessed with this girl and I didn't even know her that well, I was also very shy and socially awkward, and I didn't really have any friends. However, a few months later I started college and met several people who helped me become more confident and much more mature. I have completely learned from the horrible mistakes I made at about this time last year, but I still feel absolutely horrible about everything that happened.

Now, an entire year later, I meet her cousin, who I didn't know was her cousin until just now. We're still just acquaintances, but I enjoy hanging out with her, we share common interests and she seems like a pretty interesting person. She doesn't know that I used to like her cousin and her cousin doesn't know that I have been hanging out with her cousin. I refuse to lie or hold-back the truth, I think she has a right to know what happened last year. It would be dishonest if I didn't mention this upon finding it out, and I couldn't dare deal with the guilt of knowing I held something like this back. I don't want to destroy our fledgling social link (please forgive the Persona reference), but I also don't want to be dishonest. Please give me some advice?

 

Maybe I should have picked Option #1. I do think that, upon finding out that you dated her cousin, you should say something like, "Hey, I saw you're a cousin of XXX. I want you to know that I was interested in her in the past, but it didn't go anywhere."

But that's all I'd say. I wouldn't go into the whole explanation of how you've changed, unless she asks. Not all cousins know everything about each other. In fact, I know very little about my own cousins. Unless they've been engaged, I don't know if they've dated at all, let alone know details about their dates. Other families are closer and cousins do know these things. I'd wait to see what she actually knows before going into details. And it may come out naturally, anyway, in conversation.

I also think you're probably worrying about this too much. As someone who tends to worry about things, I guess I can see it easier in other people than I can see it in myself. I agree that it would be unfair to hold back the truth, but I also think that it's not as big a deal that you think it is. That said, that's another reason to tell her something: it will clear your own mind up.

Hope that helps!

(Oh, I voted "something else" because although I'd tell her about dating the cousin, I wouldn't go into detail about it.)

 

What Vorona said. You're almost certainly over analysing this one. Relax a bit. It'll either work out or it won't.

 

Same here. Stop being a tart, grow a pair and talk to her.

Verona, I thought he just had a crush on the cousin...in which case nobody cares. Crushes don't count as it's generally totally one-sided and you just built it up to something important in your own head. Unless you broke into her house to steal her knickers then I doubt she even remembers you.

I think we were all this overly-dramatic and angsty at your age though. That's why we can laugh now

 

Why? By your account, nothing happened, I also don't see the significance of the ladies being cousins, unless they're living under the same roof or seeing each other everyday.

Once had a friend who used to come up with these elaborate stories and what-ifs to stop him from ever getting involved with anybody... e.g.
"ah she won't like me, I'll scare her off, I'll come on too strong, I don't know where to take her, I don't know what to say, I don't know when I'm meant to kiss her or how, I don't know the first thing about sex, I'll humiliate myself, I won't be able to make her happy, her parents will hate me, what if she's faking it all..." and on and on.

Being anxious is normal, but don't worry so much that you start to self-sabotage.

 

I voted for let bygones be bygones, for a few reasons:

1. You don't even know how close she is with this cousin. If it's like most of my cousins, we see each other a couple of times per year, but we're not at all close.

2. OK, you had a crush on her cousin. And this new girl would care.... why? Everyone has had a crush on someone at some point in their life, it's nothing to be ashamed of. And honestly, the only person who is going to think this is even a little important is you and possibly the girl you used to have the crush on - but seeing as how it's been a year, she probably doesn't care anymore either.

3. Unless you are omitting some key piece of information from us, you didn't do anything wrong. This is something so unimportant that she might think you're really weird just for bringing it up in the first place. How shallow would this new girl have to be to consider that you having a crush on her cousin - before you even met her - should have any bearing at all on a potential relationship between the two of you?

Now, I know you said that you didn't want to be dishonest with her, and I can totally respect that. And I'm certainly not suggesting you lie should the subject come up. But there's a difference between being open and honest if her cousin should come up in coversation, and putting that out there yourself. You don't even know this girl that well - if you're interested in a romantic relationship, now is hardly the time to be throwing your own insecurities about your past at her feet. I think you need to let this current relationship percolate for a while before you do anything. If you get into a long term relationship with this girl it will certainly come up eventually. But for now, pump the brakes man.

 

I had the same situation, the difference being that i was turned down by the younger sister and dated the older sister for a while. I never mentioned my earlier attempts at her little sister and I have no idea if they talked about it with each other nor did I care much. The sisters were quite close so it's entirely possible that they had discussed it before (they certainly discussed me with each other which I disliked). The fact that I did not bring it up was certainly not the reason we eventually stopped dating. So in my opinion you should let bygones be bygones. Not that I'm an expert in long lasting relationships mind you (quite on the contrary) but still I'll give you my two cents.

EDIT: Probably worth noting that there was several years in between and that can make a difference I suppose, but I'd still let bygones be bygones.

 

Reading between the lines of AD’s post, it sounds like maybe he annoyed the hell out of the first girl by simply being “clingy”, and he’s now worried that the new girl will talk to her cousin, find out about the “old” AD, and she’ll want nothing to do with him. If that’s the case, I’d go with Vorona’s suggestion – mention that you were interested in the past, but it didn’t go anywhere. Be casual about it – don’t over-sell. OTOH, if my interpretation is wrong and the cousin barley new you existed, then I wouldn’t say anything.

 

Well I only know she's her cousin because she listed her as her cousin on Facebook, so it would seem that they do know about each other. But thanks, I don't see any reason to mention it. If she asks, I'll tell her the truth. You're right, it's not really that big of a deal. Thanks everyone!

---------- Added 0 hours, 15 minutes and 3 seconds later... ----------

Well something did happen, I told a "friend" back then that I liked her, and he decided he wanted to "hook us up." So he took it upon himself to ask her out on my behalf, without my knowledge or permission. That in it's own right wouldn't have been so bad, if it weren't for the fact that he wouldn't accept "no" for an answer, and literally kept "begging" her to go out with me, over and over again. She seemed to think that I put him up to it and she thought I was "creepy," when I had nothing to do with that.

To make matters worse, I later tried to apologize for the incident and explain that I didn't ask him to do that, but she didn't believe me. I was very naive and "inexperienced" back then, so I thought if I kept apologizing for what happened, she would eventually realize that I didn't put him up to it and forgive me. Yeah.... that never happened, which only made her think even less of me. I eventually moved on with my life and learned from everything that happened though.

I later wrote a short story set in a post-apocalyptic world where myself and my co-workers (we all worked together) were trying to survive the zombie apocalypse. I included her as one of the characters, as she was one of our team-members, but my character and her character had absolutely NOTHING romantic going on whatsoever in the story, and I included all of our other co-workers as well. She heard about the story from one of our other co-workers and something was lost in the translation, it would seem. She automatically assumed it was a romance story about me and her, when it was nothing of the sort. This made her think I was "stalking" her. Later things were cleared up by another co-worker who showed her the story and cleared things up, but the damage was already done.


tl;dr A lot of teenage angst and work-place drama that was largely unnecessary.

 

AD, in any meaningful relationship honesty is everything. You would want her to be fully honest with you, right? Why would you be any different toward her? If you truly feel your previous actions weren't "worthy" of an upstanding person and that you were being a tad obsessive due to social issues you were having, I would be honest about it. Tell here how you have grown. Just put it in the right words, words from your heart.

 

I agree with dmc. Honesty becomes everything after your relationship is established but opening yourself up completely at any potential relationship can well ruin it. I mean going through past relationship(attempts) is probably not the best of icebreakers. It takes time to gain trust so it's best to be careful.

EDIT: I'm not suggesting going about lying but just being a bit selective what you say at the beginning. Eventually you might want to tell her about the incident and then she'll probably just laugh it off. If her cousin tries to tell her something then dmc's advice works quite well.

My incident was different in the way that I still am more or less friends with the younger sister without any sort of hard feelings. Heck, I met her older sister at her birthay party and she approved of our relationship so in that way it was somewhat different.

 

Only bring it up if it's mentioned. What's the point in rocking the boat? Especially if you're not even dating yet. You'd come across as weird. Play it cool.

 

Don't you just hate it when that happens!? I know I do!

Lesson learned: Never apologize for things you haven't done wrong.
Your "friend' made a mistake to tell her about your crush on The Cousin. The Cousin made a mistake for not believing you. Leave it at that. Their faults, not yours. Though it's too bad that you're the one who's harmed by it, I guess you better "just grin and bear it" (Where's Big B, btw? ). But that's not the issue now.

Just think of how you'd act "normally". If it's your personality to be open and honest, be that. Honesty is usually a very good thing (well, that's what we think here in Holland, sometimes we're too honest, it's said). Being open is good, but too open quickly borders weird/needy.

I don't think I'd mention the cousin, but if you really can't resist the urge:
I'd tell the girl you noticed her cousin among her FB friends (unless she's got hundreds. In that case you might come across as someone who is already starting to "stalk her too"). Leave it at that. She'd probably ask you how you know her cousin. Don't tell her too much, just a single sentenced synopsis like "Oh, just a crush that didn't work out." And then something about how you best knew her (co-workers?) a bit more emphasized "We were co-workers!"
Don't mention the story though. I don't think 18 y/o chicks really like zombie stuff.(you're 18 right?).

 

Exactly! If she is going to take such issue with it, you don't have to worry about how you'll bring it up to her - she'll be the one who brings it up to you. In which case, I'd follow dmc's advice.

Don't forget that there are a lot of "ifs" that have to happen here for this to be a potential concern.

This is only a concern:

1. If this girl speaks regularly with her cousin.
2. If the current girl tells her cousin about you
3. If the cousin remembers you and thinks ill of you one year later
4. If the cousin puts two and two together that you are that same person that she is now dating
5. If the current girl is bothered by it

If any of those "ifs" don't hit, you're in the clear. I can understand you wanting to tell her eventually, but she'll be much more likely to laugh it off - say a month from now after you've been on a few dates - and then you tell her. But again, only offer the information if she brings it up, I sure as hell wouldn't be the one to start the coversation.

 

I hear what all you guys are saying. Why risk it? I get it.

To me, once a relationship starts, it is down the road that you start to regret all of the that truths you didn't share. That is very important IMO. Why start out with a lie or half-truth or even something hidden?

It all depends on what you are looking to get out of your relationship.

 

Hey, this guy asks for advice. I got 20 years on him with a tad bit more experience in life, so I just tried to impart some of it. Throughout my life many older people have given me advice as I am sure most of you have rec'd advice in similar ways as well. I definitely ignored a lot of it and regret doing so. The OP asked for advice. So I gave him some from the heart. I don't really understand why are you mocking that?

The original post sure seemed like he was trying to develop a relationship. You comment makes it sound like he is young and only is thinking about getting laid or something equivilant. I took it as he was looking for something more and told him how I would approach it. He is free to take it or leave it.

 

Blades, I don’t see anyone “mocking” you. I just see disagreement with your approach. Nor do I see BTA thinking AD just wants to get laid; he’s just pointing out that the mindset of a 20-year-old is different from that of someone twice that age, and he recognizes that that mindset could unnecessarily get in the way of a relationship developing.

Anyway, the bigger lesson to be learned here is – Facebook ain't nuthin’ but a heap-load o' trouble.

 

This thread is rather funny in that there are volumes of varying advice being given. I'm not sure what AD's supposed to make of it all.

I'm with Blades, FWIW. If something shady comes out in the laundry down the line, your goose it cooked, AD. You already know from your own experience that once you're perceived as 'creepy,' there's NO going back. You can take that to the bank, and an uncovered hidden relationship or weird-ish prior interaction with her cousin is definitely going to qualify as creepy, particularly the way you've described it - and the way you can assume the cousin is going to describe it. Also it's virtually guaranteed they will discuss it. As you say, if they're Facebook friends, that's close enough. Girls get into their girl cabals and discuss everything. Hell, they spend 90% of their time communicating in one way or another, so how could they not discuss it? That they will do so in your case should be assumed, IMO, not hoped against.

The way for things to not go wrong is, as Blades says, to always be honest. The trick is to be okay with whatever outcome honesty gets you, so if she bolts, well, okay. At least you weren't trying to deceive her with strangely analytical plans and concealed half-truths that clouded significant details. Just think how well it will go over a month from now when you try to explain why you didn't feel it was terribly significant to share with her that her cousin thinks you're a creepy stalker guy.