I need your advice, my fellow Sorcerers...

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That could almost be taken as not a compliment..... almost a "Gee thanks? I guess..." type of moment.

You're right Gaear. Lot's of varying opinions. Probably the same variance he got from his friends. I am guessing he is now shaking his head thinking "...why did I even bother asking a bunch of gamers...".

 

Either that or he's creating a spread sheet.

"FWIW" was a nod to how I was about to contradict myself and add to the piles of advice I just spurned, not an "I'm only agreeing with Blades here, so take this with a grain of salt" moment. Sorry.

 

Thanks everyone for the advice! I accidentally ran into her while reading outside in this beautiful weather. I ended up telling her about what happened with her cousin and, oddly enough, she didn't seem the least bit bothered by it. She actually thought it was (her words) "awesome" and she told me about how her cousin talked about me in the past. A few hours later I received a perfectly normal message from her on Facebook, carrying on a previous conversation we had; completely unrelated to her cousin.

I guess things worked out. Thanks again everyone!

 

glad it worked out!

 

Cool. Which means my "be casual and don't oversell" advice was actually the right one in this case. Will wonders never cease.

 

I'm glad it worked out, too!

Silvery: Oh, shoot. I thought I'd edited out all the "datings" and changed them to "crushes" because the first time I read it, I thought he said he had dated her, but then after writing my post, I reread it and saw that it was just a crush. I did suspect (rightly, it seems) that there was some pestering going on that would have led her to think he was stalking her, which is why it was more than just nothing.

 

Others have already hinted at it, but let me reiterate: There are things that might cause a hiccup in a relationship if you keep them a secret, and then there are things that most certainly will.

Having a crush and an incident with someone's cousin rests squarely in the former. Even more so since all of that happened well before you've met. It's not something you should actively try to hide, but you don't have any real obligations to inform about it either. I can relate to WANTING to be open and up-front about it, but going into such details very early on kinda pulls the plug on the big "so, I'm assuming we're dating now" issue prematurely. Can be cute if she's on the same page with you to begin with, but could get really awkward if she has no real romantic interest for you.

There's nothing wrong with honesty, even brutal honesty, but timing is also a big part of getting the message across in a sensible manner. For example, I don't see much point in boasting having a daughter, a messy divorce and lingering debts caused by it in my closet of skeletons as a part of my initial pick-up line. Rather, I'd rather see some signs of a potential mutual interest developing first before dropping the bomb.

 

This is slightly off-topic, but I'd prefer not creating a whole new post about it. I agree with Sir Rechet for the most part, but it also depends on who you are and what your personal style is. There are some things that I used to bring up fairly early on because while I like dating, I also tend to be picky and cautious at first (now, my very conservative school plays a factor, so I might not be as forthcoming due to job worries). If you've read my friendzone post, you know that I don't generally actually feel attracted to the guys I'm dating, unless we've already been friends for awhile. I just don't *get* attracted until we've had some major conversations, and if I'm worried about physical contact, I don't relax enough to have those. So, when I DO go on a date that's clearly a date with someone I don't know well, I'm usually the one less invested in it, and more curious. Because again (for those of you wondering why I'd date someone I wasn't attracted to): just because I'm not yet attracted to the guy, it doesn't mean I won't be later.

So, while I don't bring up past history about past boyfriends, etc., I'm pretty up front about other potentially controversial topics: my religion, the fact that I don't want to have kids, my love of languages and grammar. When I've talked to my mom about my past first dates, her response is always "What? You told him that? On the first date? Nooo . . . ! You wait until later." But my thinking is: why wait until I'm invested and really care about him? Then if I tell him and he can't accept it, I'll be heartbroken. If it happens now, no big deal. I've considered that once I actually have time in my life and am not struggling just to make a normal life that I might start an internet dating profile. I'm planning on putting it all out there, even including my need to be friends for a long time first. But that's quite a ways in the future. My life is not settled enough for me to actively pursue romance. If one pops up, well, I won't ignore it, but I'm not going to go out TRYING to complicate my life that much.

In Arctic's case, I could see that he was really worried about it, so I figured him mentioning it would make sense, just to clear the air. If he's sitting there worrying about it, he won't have fun . And dating should be fun!

 

Maybe so. Accusations of stalking and being creepy and clingy and weird rest squarely in the latter. A 'hiccup' would be putting it mildly. Genuine stalking often results in restraining orders after all, and it's generally considered part and parcel with serious potential criminal behavior. Would restraining orders be worth mentioning? Or only later, if she happens to bring it up?

She: "Ummm, Johnny? My cousin said something about, um, having a restraining order against you?"

He: "Ah. Oh yes that. Well yes, but I didn't really think it was worth mentioning. Until now. Don't worry, it expires in 37 weeks. I should be good for Christmas at your mom's. So ... wanna make out?"

 

True, but I'm not sure it would be something you'd talk about at the VERY beginning of a relationship. My guess would be around the time when you realize you're not just having random dates, but are actually "seeing" each other. But yeah, the person who had the restraining order should bring it up, particularly before any major events like going to the parents' house for Christmas. I think if it came out too early, it might sound like bragging or like he's still not over the cousin, both of which would also be bad.

 

I'm getting the feeling I'm missing something, Vorona. It might be my non-native English, but those 2 quotes seem to contradict.

 

Ha! I can see that. No, what I do for myself is not what I'd suggest to others. Most people, on a first date, are already more invested than I am, so it makes sense for them to wait. But I don't usually care that much, so I tend to blurt it all out. If you're already invested and want to make a good impression, then by all means don't follow what I do. I really usually don't care about making a good impression because I'd rather make a bad impression and have them still like me than make a good impression and worry that I wouldn't end up living up to that good impression. But I'm neurotic like that. I wouldn't suggest others be neurotic, though.

That said, there are still some things I don't go into, that could potentially cause a lot of awkwardness. I haven't had a restraining order, but that's probably something I wouldn't blurt out at a first date. I also don't talk about past relationships. Or sexual preferences.

Anyway, I didn't mean to sound contradictory.

 

Well, I took it to be both "wanting a relationship" and "wanting to get laid". AD is, afterall, about 20 years younger than you and I. When I was his age, sure, I wanted a relationship, but I also wanted to get laid. Getting laid was certainly higher on my list of priorities than getting married. I'm NOT saying that all my relationships in that time frame were superficial, nor am I suggesting anything about AD's motives. I'm just saying that you're presenting it as a false choice - that he must decide whether he wants a relationship OR to get laid, when chances are, AD is shooting for both.

 

Yep. That's why I said that part about me was a bit off topic, and why Master of Nuhn got confused. It was off-topic, since I know that what I want/where I am is very different from where Arctic Daishi is. The reason I suggested he say something was mainly because he sounded so worried about it. But we had started talking at least a little about relationships in general and when to bring up information in general, which is what led to that post.

Well, yes, that's just one of my areas of weirdness

 

Saying anything would just come across real awkward. The more you talk about how it doesn't matter to you, the more you are hammering home the opposite message.

Nothing good can come from discussing it. It it is later 'discovered', and you are accused of manipulating her to get close to her cousin, just deal with the fallout. At worst, you will lose a friend in the distant future. Or maybe by then, she will know you well enough not to believe you were trying to get to her cousin.

Silence is golden.

Edit: woops, didn't read all replies...

 

^ You have to admit that was kind of funny.

 

Our social link is much stronger now and there haven't been any problems since then. We've been hanging out a lot on campus and chatting online. Monday we hung out for a few hours and I am beginning to suspect (based on how she was acting), that she may be starting to like me.

 

I'm truly glad you found it amusing!