Jokes!

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Okay, I want some jokes here, but they can't be good! They have to be corny or annoying or somehow irksome to hear (nothing racist or mean though, that would be....racist and mean.) Here's mine...

So one night this robber goes into a house to...well, rob it, I guess. He's going through all the rooms, putting things in his sack, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he hears a voice, "Jesus is watching you." He stops and searchs the room he's in, but doesn't find the voice, so he keeps working. A few minutes later he hears it again "Jesus is watching you." He stops again, searchs the room again, and can't find the voice anywhere, so he keeps going. A few more minutes pass, and he hears the voice a third time, saying the same thing "Jesus is watching you." This time he really turns the room upside down and finally finds a parrot sitting in cage in a darkened corner. So he asks the bird, "Hey, have you been the one telling me that Jesus was watching me?" And the bird replied "Yes." So the robber asks "well, what's your name?" And the bird said, "My name's Moses." The guy started laughing and said "What kind of family would name their parrot Moses?" And the parrot replied "The same kind of family that would name their rottweiler Jesus."

[ October 29, 2002, 07:18: Message edited by: dragonjewel13 ]

 

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

 

Sam is walking on a beach, and stumbles across a bottle. He opens it up, and releases a genie who grants him three wishes.

"I wish to have a million bucks."

Poof! A Swiss check of a million dollars appears in Sam's hand.

"I wish to have a custom avatar."

Poof! Sam's avatar changes from a lowly turquoise gem to a mighty red dragon.

"I wish to be irresistible to women."

Poof! Sam turns into a box of chocolates.

[ October 30, 2002, 02:27: Message edited by: C'Jakob ]

 

Corny - A guy walks into a bar. Then he hears a guy behind him say, "Try using the door next time."

Annoying - Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assualted.

Irksome - One day an elderly woman showed up at the Pharmacy asking for a box of Extra Large condoms. The pretty young woman behind the counter raised her eyebrows and said, "Excuse me?" "You heard me, you little hussy," snapped the elderly woman. "I asked for a box of condoms. Extra Large." "Fine," said the pretty young woman with a smirk and then handed her a box of Extra Large condoms. Immediately after paying the elderly woman opened up the box, took two of the Extra Large condoms out and then, much to the astonishment of the pretty young woman, proceeded to attach them to her ears. "Ma'am!" shouted the pretty young woman, "What on earth are you doing?!" "What does it look like, you little vixen," said the elderly woman. "Do you think I want to get hearing aids?"

[ October 30, 2002, 15:46: Message edited by: J. Alfred Prufrock ]

 

*joke removed cause copyright problems with fellow Dutchmen*

------------------------------

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

-----------------------------------

A Day in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

[ October 30, 2002, 22:06: Message edited by: Morgoth ]

 

Alright

A panda walks into a restaurant. He walks over to the bar, sits down, and orders a steak and a salad. After he finishes his meal, he stands up, pulls out a shotgun, blows a hole in the back wall of the bar, and starts walking towards the door.
The bartender gets mad, and says: "Hey! Who the hell do you think you are?"
The panda says: "I'm a panda, look it up!" and then walks out.
The bartender pulls a dictionary out from behind the bar (because all bartenders keep a dictionary behind the bar) and looks up "panda." Finally he finds it and reads:

Panda: n. Large black and white relative of the raccoon. Lives in the forests of Asia. Eats shoots and leaves.



[ October 30, 2002, 17:48: Message edited by: Falstaff ]

 

Morgoth, did you copy that joke from this thread from about a week ago? http://www.sorcerers.net/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=7;t=002397

 

A woman meets an genie who grants her three wishes but there is one problem everything she get her husband get's it ten times more

She says: I want an million dollar
But then you're husband will get ten million.
Yes I know

Next I want to be the most atractive person in the world
But then you're husband will be ten times more atractive then you are.
Yes yes I know

And my final wish I want al tiny heartattack

 

Dear Marty,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!

[ October 30, 2002, 22:07: Message edited by: Morgoth ]

 

One day a man was seen driving down the highway with three penguins in the backseat of his car. A police officer pulls him over and says "What on earth are you doing! You take those penguins to the zoo immediately!" So a few days later the same man was seen driving down the same stretch of highway with the three penguins in the backseat, but this time they all had on hats and sunglasses. The same officer pulls him over and says "Hey! I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" The man replies "I did! I'm taking 'em to the beach today!"

 

So far, most of the jokes have been fairly funny so i'll add one:

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar, but this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne." "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo street" he says.""This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"