The Rules of Being a Man

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I just got sent this.........

Rules for all men to follow?

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
    b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
    c. After wrecking your boss' car.
    d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
    e. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden.

8. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man
(in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

10. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

11. While your girlfriend must bond with your mates' girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal
pals' significant dickheads - low level sports bonding is all the law
requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the
short straw on that one).


12. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

13. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

14. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel?. and it's free.

15. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

16. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

17. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
nothin'.

18. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much beer as the other sports watchers.

19.  You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.

20. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.

22. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

23. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.

24. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
    d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

25. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

26. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if
necessary.

27. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

 

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.
No clue what the heck this means, maybe im too young

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Gay (cough, cough) Gay

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth
Or if you get hit in the eye with a slab of Wasabi or Onions, god it makes me tear up

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
Heh, in Friends this describes Monica and Chandler

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.
Id wait for 30 minutes and when people see me leave Ill say I forgot my cell phone or wallet at home. Dont wanna make ppl think I got stood up or anythin

9. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man
(in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).
well not for me. Im still a little kid. But hey, good call. Buying gifts is lame,just give em money

10. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
any of you see that episode of simpsons, i totally disagree(grandpa blew his kidneys and homer had to give him his)

11. While your girlfriend must bond with your mates' girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal
pals' significant dickheads - low level sports bonding is all the law
requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the
short straw on that one).
wouldn't know, but I would totally agree on this one

12. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
hell your makin a fool of yourself if you do, i dont think girls should even do that

13. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
sickenining, Im not gonna fut in front of people. well unless they're family

15. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
dont make me even think about fighting naked

16. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
they how you supposed to swim? well besides rendering your friend almost naked, it gives you speed in the water. bad point

17. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
nothin'.
3 letters... X Y Z

18. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much beer as the other sports watchers.
totally agree. well unless the womans your wife.

19. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.
well DUH, proper manners

20. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
alright some of these are getting to be common sense for a man. Skipped following two for this reason.

23. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a mate of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.
totally agree.

24. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
NOTE:Im a Sagittarius

25. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
I laugh at the thought of men conversing over between the bathroom stalls, women too

26. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if
necessary.
hmm nice tip. But i dont think I wanna follow my time limits like that

27. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.
Sex in the morning? Unthinkable

[This message has been edited by Athalon (edited August 10, 2001).]

 

Hehe, lotta good points there guys

 

lol thats kinda funny, i especially agree with the angelina jolie part, how can a grown man not be moved ny that?

 

actually i don't think i would be turned on by that. a jolie looks evil.

 

Blasphemy! Angelina Jolie looks Hot!!! I love her lips!!!

 

Important note: Men under 30 should ignore point 26! It is very rude to hang up before saying "Hello".

 

to sir b,

NAAAAAAHHH

gimme a kournikova any day.

i concur with sprite abt telephone etiquette. but i thot it should always be observed regardless of one's age ?

*blink*

why stop @ 30 ?



[This message has been edited by fuoco (edited August 10, 2001).]

 

Sir Belisarius,

I agree with you 1000000%!!!!
Angelina Jolie is hot!!!!
And her lips! My GOD!!

 

I totally agree, imagine those lips sucking a bananna.

Now imagine Goldie Hawns lips sucking a bannanna. uggghhhhhhh

 

Sprite, I must assume you are a female. It is generally understood amongst males that such comments are thoroughly unacceptable from males.

For such a comment from females, the proper response is a sarcastic, almost caustic, wry smile.

If a male had said such a thing, I believe the response is identical to the penalty for #1 above.



[This message has been edited by The Deviant Mage (edited August 10, 2001).]

 

Slappy...ROTFL!

Hmmm, yeah, OK, I do act according to some of those rules and I think I sukk! But...

Not bitching about beer!? If there is no Tuborg then don't even bother to call me! Ok, ok, my friends always buy Tuborg when it's me coming...

Two men under umbrella? Geez, what should I do - get home wet through? Or sleep under the bar (like it would be the first time... ) Besides that, I would rather kill myself than forbid any of my friends to get under my umbrella. The next thing will be - you mustn't hug a man. Yeah, right. Get lost!

You see, I'm not dead cold as writer of those rules is. Angelina Jolie? Ok, but what about other girls? Especially that cute lil' girlie (hottie! ) who just got in my neighborhood - man, I cry when I see what I've missed in my life. And she is so near... So perfect... So untouchable... It's a sin to look her... To kiss her... Not to mention to... (cold shower) *sob* *sniff*

Besides that, I cried as hell when my dad died. And when my school friend got killed in car accident. And many more times...

I don't want to comment any more. I already got pissed.

Am I a less man because I don't act as all those "rules" suggest? I'm less robot because of that.

Send those rules back to sender.

 

According to those rules I am a woman

 

If a man "flunks" all those rules, it doesn't make him a woman. It makes him the kind of man women dream of. Other guys may hate you but they're just jealous.

 

That was a scream, funny - very funny.

 

Hehe!

 

no dear gash

flunking the above standards do not make u a woman. wot a silly thought! it merely implies tha you're not a man.


hahahaha

 

Fuoco's right. Not meeting these rules downgrades you to 'guy.'

I'm pretty sure there are extremely strict regulations for females to follow as well, I hope you don't qualify...accidentally.

If you are trying intentionally, I wish you the best of luck.