LOTR and SW Fans Must Read: Humor

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I found this article, it's correct except for the part when it picks on Lucas about Howard the Duck, he only produced it, didn't write it or direct it.

But read up, this is amusing:

"These past 11 months alone saw the return of Mr Skywalker, Agent Jay, Master Potter and Mr Bond, with Captain ‘Chromedome' Picard and Mr Gandalf following soon.

Next year promises to be just as exciting, what with The Hulk, Daredevil, X2 (the X-Men sequel), Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, The Return of The King and the most saliva-inducing of them all – Matrix: Reloaded.

Other than these big names, though, there are not many more movies to look forward too.

I don't think anyone will pay money to see James Bond: Golden Pension Home, and though people would pay money to see Harry Potter and The Tantric Sex Priestesses, I don't think that it would actually get made. Not without some major complaints by J. K. Rowling (though not by anyone else).

Well, I have an idea what the next big movie to make should be – a combination of both Lord Of The Rings (LOTR) and Attack Of The Clones (AOTC).

After all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (though that didn't work in Napster's case), plus you'll get both sets of geeks – err, fans – watching them.

Trekkies – err, I mean Tolkies – and Warsies (what kind of a name is that?!) will want to call it after their ‘own' favourite movie. Personally, my suggestion is to combine them. After all, the hybrid possibilities are engaging, and are certain to be less groan-inducing than anything Lucas can come up with. I mean, Howard The Duck?! Come on! Let's call the individual movies The Fellowship of the Clones (which is Episode IV), The Two Towers Strike Back (a personal favourite amongst American audiences) and The Return of The Jedi King. The whole series can then be called The Lord of the Clones, because The Lord of Episode II doesn't have a nice ring to it (Sorry, I couldn't resist).

It all starts a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away on Just-Left-of-the-Middle Earth. The evil Gungan Wizard, Saur-Saur Ron, has created a lightsaber ring, which will mean cost savings for special effects since the ring can be made using a simple fluorescent ring tube. All you would need to do is record the WHOMMM-WHOOSH sounds, which shouldn't be a problem for ILM.

Saur-Saur Ron sells the ring to a victim in the form of Darth Saruman, who is played by Christopher Lee. Come to think of it, since he plays both Saruman the White in LOTR as well as Count Dooku / Darth Tyrannus in AOTC, he won't have to really learn any new lines, plus we get the added bonus of a discount – a sort of buy-2-roles-get-1-free on his actor's fee. Considering that this is Christopher Lee, these savings should be substantial. Let's hope that he doesn't die before it gets made, though; he is, after all, 80+ years old, though way cooler than many actors half his age – and under. If he buys the big one, he won't come back. Just because he played Dracula so much that his favourite wine is probably Chateau de B Negative, doesn't mean that he will rise from the dead. The CGI alone is going to be so expensive as to give Palpatine a serious heart attack, thus cutting a very long trilogy very short indeed.

Back to the story, then. Darth Saruman is compelled to find three elves and sell them three Rings. The victims are then compelled to find seven Dwarves and sell them one ring each. They in turn find another nine human kings, and sell nine rings to them. With enough rings going around, Saur-Saur Ron will be able to get enough points to win the famous Intergalactic Game Show, Who Wants to be a Supreme Chancellor? The main reason that the progress has been slow is because nobody cares to do anything except get involved in wars to win the hand of the beautiful Naboo Elven Queen, Galadala, and of her daughter, Leiarwen. These exotic honeys are so gorgeous, they're a mix of Destiny's Child, add a dash of Madonna's wild style, with Janet Jackson's smile. Throw in a body like Jennifer, you've got the star of my..... err, you get the picture.

No ordinary cinnamon-roll class hairstyles for these two – they got the full wedding cake on top. In deference to the two original movies – you know, pointy-ears and seriously long hair – these girls will merely have pointy hair. In case you were wondering how these girls could be so well protected, that job falls to the hair-maidens (yes, you read that right). These interchangeable lasses use large sticks covered in Bantha poodoo, and are as mean tempered as Luke was when he discovered that he actually had the hots for his sister.

And no saga is complete without angst-ridden almost-teenage hero, Anagorn Daywalker. The possessor of a long, mighty lightsaber, he is too young to smoke, thus making his clandestine puffs the cause of his asthmatic wheezing. He is taught by Gan-D-Wan the Grey Kenobi, complete with a beard so thick, you could lose an Ewok in it.

Together, they have to stop Saur-Saur Ron's evil plot, and kiss the ladies too. Of course, no one is sure which one of the ladies is the real one, since they are all decoys – this is where the Clones come in. The ploy was so successful, even the originals have forgotten who is who.

Along the way, they have to fight bounty hunters like Jango Boba Fett (going by the trade name J. Bo), and a hideous monster that combines Orcs, Trolls, Balrogs, Nazguls, Ferrengi, Klingons, Gungans, Trash Compactor Monsters, Hutts and Yoda. Oh, and the hobbit Bilbo too, whose efforts to resist were futile. You thought that they were nauseating enough on their own; wait till you see the Bilborg. Yucks.

In case you were wondering about droids, please remember that this was a long time ago, before Darth Gates was born. Besides, if they were a combination of R2 units and dwarves, they would be so small that half of your time would be spent in looking for them.

To make it appeal to the Asian market, you could even have ultra-stylish fight scenes that would make Chow Yun Fat look like Derek Zoolander. All you need are the wires from Madonna's Drowned World Tour set; heck, you can even recycle the gorgeous costumes and make-up. The catch, though, would be that you would have to let Madonna sing the opening credits...

Still in keeping with the Asian theme, ghosts are no problem. Dead Jedi? Snap. Wizard-fell-off-the-edge-of-a-cliff-being-clutched-by-a-huge-fiend? Piece of cake. However, these being Asian ghosts, both the audience and the actors will not be able to sleep for months. You see dead people? Kid, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Hey, we can even talk about the merchandising tie-ins (you know, Burger King doing a Lord of the Onion Rings meal) and toys. Wait till you see the rumours surrounding the pre-sequel, Episode I: The Phantom Hobbit. My office and bank accounts are now open to all offers from venture capitalists. Come on, George, whaddaya say? George?"

And now go for some deeper enlightment and vote at my new poll.

 

Pretty cool! where did you find this?

 

It's from e-media.com. Never heard of it before.

 

Oh my....

/me falls on the floor laughing hysterically

Marvellous!

Ara
(Misspely misgiver)

 

Saur Saur-ron, the two towers strike back, ROFL THREE TIMES

 

On the subject, I recommend everyone looks at this:

http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/50reasons.html

[ December 11, 2002, 13:59: Message edited by: The Amazing Oopah ]

 

LOL!!

 

Hehe classic

 

LOL

Oh my god, Christopher Lee is 80 years old?
i would have thought he was about 60

 

can you post the full link please... it was so great...

 

You just cheered up my sunday morning! lol

 

Ha, that's hilarious!
I'd like to see the original link as well.

 

Episode of the Ring is a good title.(While atleast in my mind)