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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary.

"Two weeks ago," he said, "it was my forty-fifth birthday and I was'nt feeling to hot that morning anyway". I went in to the breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. And she didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone say "Happy Birthday."

I thought, well that's wives for you. The children will remember. And when I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, Janet, the secretary, said "Good Morning, Boss -- Happy Birthday" and I felt a little better -- someone had remembered at last.

I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and I.

I said, "By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day, let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we ?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go by my apartment and I will fix you another Martini".

We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette, and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something comfortable" and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all.

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and my children.

All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there I sat with nothing on but my socks, stupid me !

 

If this doesn't make you laugh nothing will:

"Squawks" are problems noted by US Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Made me laugh a lot at least.

 

Q : How many blond does it take to play hide and seek??

A : one

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!

LOL

 

Oldies but goodies:


What's green and smells like pig?

Kermit's finger.

What sort of meat does the Pope eat?

Nun.

 

Sorry if it sounds a bit clumsy but i have translated it on my own.
Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso and George W. Bush are standing on Heavens Gate.
St Peter asks Einstein if he can prove his identity. Einstein goes to a nearby blackboard, takes a chalk an explains his Theory of Relativity.
'O.K.' says St. Peter 'I believe it's you' and to Picasso 'can you prove your ID ?'
Picasso takes the chalk and with some genius lines he draws a picture around Einsteins formulas.
'I see, it's you, come in' says St Peter and turning to Bush 'Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have proven their ID, now it's your turn'.
'Who are this Einstein and this Mr. Picasso?' 'All right, come in.....'

 

The ambiguity of language.....

Women's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there, you idiot!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like it

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you!

Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex with you!

Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you!

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you!

Nice Dress! = Nice Tits!

Nice Blouse! = Nice Tits!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you!

What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question tonight!

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now!

I love you, too = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it...We'd better have sex now!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys!

(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any fucking dress and let's go home and have sex!

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am a closeted homosexual!!

Please do not be offended for any reason, the above is only intended to make you laugh.

 

Why did the chicken cross the playground?


To get to the other slide!!!

 

Viking I love the posts, but as a fashon design major, I will tell women if a shirt dosent match a skirt. No, I'm not queer. But if you give them active input, they are more likely to ask if a bikini looks good on them.

 

Here's another one i found it rather amusing!


This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather humorous.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

 

Ok a white is in the bathroom taking a piss when suddenly a black guy walks in wips a huge dick. Well the white guy says "How did you get that"?
The black guy responds "Well I tie a rope around it for 5 min. everyday".
Well end up meating a month later and the black says "So did you try it"? The white guy responds "Yup it's almost black".

 

Hehe!

Here's another one i heard yesterday!
I am not saying that its funny but anyway here it is!

Why did the blonde cross the road?
She didn't, she got lost half way!

 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN(AND BE POLITICALY CORRECT):

1> she is not a BABE or a CHICK- she is a BREASTED CITIZEN
2> she is not EASY- she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
3> she is not DUMB- she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
4> she has not BEEN AROUND- she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
5> she is not a AIR HEAD- she is REALITY IMPAIRED
6> she does not get DRUNK or TIPSY- she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
7> she is not HORNY- she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
8>she does not have BREST IMPLANT-she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED
9>she does not NAG YOU-she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
10>she is not a SLUT-she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
11>she does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS- she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
12>she is not a TWO-BIT HOOKER-she is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN (AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT):

1>he does not have a BEER GUT- he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
2>he is not a BAD DANCER- he is OVER CAUCASIAN
3>he does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME- he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
4>he is not BALDING- he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
5>he is not a CRADLE SNATCHER-he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6>he does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
7>he does not act like a TOTAL ASS- he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
8>he is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG- he has SWINE EMPATHY
9>he is not afraid of COMMITMENT- he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

 

A boy walks into class late.
"Where have you been young man," says the teacher
"On Candy Hill," he responds
2 Minutes later another boy walks in late.
"Where have you been?" says the teacher.
"On Candy Hill," he responds
A girl walks into class right after the boy.
"Wait lemme guess, you were on Candy Hill" says the teacher.
"What are you talking about? I am Candy Hill" replies the girl

[This message has been edited by Gaelan Bayle (edited August 18, 2001).]

 

Jenny finds out that her elderly grandfather just passed away, so she asks her grandmother how he died. Her grandmother explains, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggsts that having sex at the age of 94 was asking for trouble. "Oh no," her grandmother replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

Then, as she wipes away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck....."

Happy Friday Everyone!

 

What connects the computers in Sauron's office?
A Tolkien Ring network.

 

I have a lot of dirty jokes to tell, but they will be...apalling, coming from an 11yearold girl. So I'll tell you this one.

A priest walks into a barber shop and says, "I'd like a haircut". After the haircut, the priest says, "how much do I owe you?" The barber answers, "Nothing, I consider it a service to God." The next morning, the barber find 12 prayer books and a thank-you note from the priest on the stoop.

A few days later, a policeman walks into the barber shop. After his haircut, the policeman says, "how much do I owe you?" The barber answers, "nothing, I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber finds 12 donuts and a thank-you note from the policeman on the stoop.

A few days later, a senator walks into the barber shop. After his haircut, he asks, "how much do I owe you?" The barber answers, "nothing, I consider it a service to my country." The next morning, the barber finds 12 more senators on the stoop.

 

I Hope you guys enjoy this:

Reasons People Wear Clothes (Most of the Time)

If we didn't, we'd all be naked and...

1. "Truth or Dare" would be really boring.
2. God wanted to make fashion designers.
3. There's this little thing called acid rain...
4. Porn movies would totally flop.
5. Bill Clinton would have too much fun.
6. Playboy and Playgirl would be totally out of business.
7. Think about it, would you really ever leave your house?
8. Priests would commit suicide, and then no one would get into Heaven.
9. Two words: snowball fights.
10. Sexual harassment would cease to exist, so lawyers would be really bored.
11. Nudist colonies would become golf courses, and it's not like we need more of those.
12. All of those women who love to shop would be mentally traumatized.
13. Music videos would be much less interesting.

... And finally...

14. Two words: old people.


Some more Bumper Stickers

1. Support Cannibalism- EAT ME!
2. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
3. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
4. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
5. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
6. Who were the beta testers for Preperations A through G?
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
9. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
10. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
11. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
12. If you can read this, I can hit my breaks and sue you.
13. Horn broken, watch for finger.
14. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
15. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
16. Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.
17. My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her... or something like that.
18. Sure you can trust your government! Just ask an Indian!
19. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
20. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
21. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
22. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

And for the last:


Why did the chicken cross the road?


JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.


KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell ,alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion on the chicken's part, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

MOSES
And God said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was great rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

 

More about the little road-crossing chicken,
if you remember the movie The Last Boyscout...

BRUCE WILLIS (talking to the bad guy called Milo, with a funny voice):

Why did Mr. Milo cross the road?
-Because his dick got stuck in the chicken.

 

Amazing work H!! I hope Some more of those "whay did the chicken cross the road" hit this thread.

What about sherlock holmes comment? or Pamela Anderson or Obi wan kenobi? Much of fun still roams in that joke.

[This message has been edited by Nobleman (edited August 27, 2001).]