New Jokes topic

Remove all ads!

A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the lady stops saying: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The guy barks "WHAT??"

The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. Then he realises that nothing was going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.

He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

The woman's face goes blank. He continues..."I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.

The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a man".

 

That one was pretty funny. Let me see if I can come up with one of my own

Nah couldnt do it today.

 

Heh, good one, Fergus.

There's one of mine; I'm not sure if it's a real-life story, but it has always been told as one.

The thing happens in the ex-soviet union, back in the early 1990's. An old family car is speeding on a highway, cops see the car and sign for it to stop. The driver stops with no question, inside the car is his wife and two kids - a boy of 12 years and a girl of 7, all buckled up. The cop tell the man his name, shows the badge and declares that the driver has been speeding 10kph over the limit(Russian cops tried to hang on any opportunity to rip the money from the common people back then). The driver says that the cops have a broken meter, and it has miscalculated the speed, because his car is incapable of speeding beyond the speed limit.

The cop observes the car and agrees, but does not want to lose the opportunity of some gain and asks the man to do an alcohol test (You have to breathe in a device which will either detect alcohol in your breath or not). The man breathes, device shows positive. Cop immediately asks for money, but the driver states that the measuring device is broken too and offers to check in on his wife. Wife breathes, the device shows positive. The driver does not give up and offers to check the device on the boy. Boy breathes and checks positive. Cops are in doubt, and the driver gives his last offer to check the device on his daughter. The girl breathes, and the device shows positive.

Cops, totally convinced that their pre-union apparatus does not work, dismiss the man with a shrug and no ticket. The man gets in the car, pulls gas, drives a hundred meters off and tells the wife:

"And you told me - Don't give booze to kids! Don't give booze to kids!"

 

Same scenario as in Fergus joke:
A man and a woman infighting in bed.
She: I'm sooo horny, say something very dirty to me.
He: Kitchen......

 

Masochist: Hurt me, hurt me!
Sadist: Nah.

 

Doctor: Does your family suffer from insanity?

Family: No, actually we kind of enjoy it.

 

So there's these three racehorses, they're good friends and their names are Tom, Dick and Harry. Every race these three finish near the top and usually come in the first three spots. Lifes good for them, and each evening they head to the pub for a pint. Everything's going well, but then Tom starts doing worse and worse at the track.

So after a few races, in which Tom has finished really low in the field, the three of them are at the pub. Naturally talk turns to Tom's recent run of bad luck.

"Guys, I'm really worried" he confides, "My owners not too happy about my performance, and I think I may end up at the glue factory if this keeps up. What the hell am I gonna do about it?"

Dick and Harry, while concerned for their friend, don't have any obvious suggestions or answers. At this point the bartender approaches.

"I coudln't help over hearing your problem." he says, "and I've got just the solution for you. Are you interested."

"Of course I am. What is it?" Tom is excited, but not expecting much.

The bartender replies "Well, I make this special brew which will have you racing like you've never raced before. In noe time you'll be right back in the top three with your mates here."

"Hey, that sounds great" Tom says, "but what's the catch? Is it very expensive or what?"

"No, No" comes the reply "I'll provide it free of charge. There's just one thing."

"Well what is it?" asks Tom

"You have to drink this stuff every day, and... errr... It makes your ass itch like you wouldn't believe."

Tom, eager to return to his winning ways, agrees to try this stuff, regardless of the itchy ass. So the bartender leans under the counter and pulls a bottle of really foul looking liquid out.

"Here yah go" he says as he hands it to Tom.

Tom downs the liquid in one gulp, and hands back the empty bottle. He returns to the bar every day for a few days, and shortly he's winning races again. After this everything procedes as usual with the three horses holding the top three positions in most of the races. Unfortunately, Dick then starts lagging behind, not doing so well. After one race, in which he came dead last, the three friends are sitting at the pub as usual. Talk turns to Dick's bad luck lately.

"I'm really worried" He confides, "I think I may be in trouble if I don't start winning some races, and end up at the glue factory!"

"Hey, not to worry!" says Tom, "You should try that great brew the bartender makes. It got me right back to the front when I was having my troubles."

"Really?" asks Dick, "It's that good?"

"Oh yeah man! It's gold. There's just one thing. It makes your ass itch like you wouldn't believe! But apart from that it works like a charm!"

"OK then, I'll try it!" comes the decision from Dick, "If it works it'll be worth the itchy ass."

They call the bartender over, and Dick inquires about getting some of this magical potion. The bartender, after asking if Dick is aware of the fact that it will make his ass itch like crazy, agrees to supply some for Dick. After a week or so Dick is back to his winning ways. Lifes grand, and continues as before, for a while. Then, Harry starts lagging behind in the races. Once again the three find themselves in the pub, after a particularly bad loss on Harry's part.

"You know guys" says Harry, "like you both were, I'm really worried about being sent to the glue factory. I was thinking that maybe I should try that concoction the bartender makes, since it worked so well for you both."

Tom and Dick both agree this is an excellent idea.

"But I should warn you" says Tom, "That stuff will make your ass itch like you won't believe."

"Yeah" agrees Dick, "It gets REALLY, REALLY itchy."

Harry considers this, but decides it's worth the sacrifice. They call over the bartender and once again he warns Harry about the itchy ass. He agrees to supply Harry with the good stuff. Harry, after taking his doses for a week or so, is once again within the top three, and winning races. All three horses continue taking the potion and winning, and all three also agree that it makes their asses REALLY itchy.

After a few weeks in the top three, they find themselves sitting in the bar once again. In strolls a greyhound and approaches the bartender.

"Bartender", says the greyhound, "I'll take a pint."

At this point Tom turns to the other two and says....


"Holy Sh*t!! Did you guys see that? A talking Dog!!"

 

Oooookaaayyy..

 

I have another one about a horse in a bar.

In a bar there sat a very sad horse, he had been sitting there for several days and looking miserable. After awhile the barkeep tires of the sour horse and put up a sign that says "Free drinks for an entire night if you get the horse to laugh!"

Many people tried to get the horse to laugh, jokes so funny that they could make anyone laugh, alas it was to no avail. The horse kept his somber face and his sour mood.

One night a man walks in and sees the sign. He tells the barkeep he will give it a shot. Ok, say the barkeep but dont get your hopes up.

The man walked to the horse and whispered something in its ear. The horse roars with laughter. Everyone is reall amazed and the man gets really drunk for free.

The man returns to the bar a couple of days later and he sees that the horse are still laughing, he also notices a new sign, "Free drinks if you can make the horse stop laughing"

The man says to the barkeep, ill take the bet again. He walks to the horse whispers something in its ear and then they walk together to the mens room. When they come out the horse is crying like a little baby, and nothing can comfort it.

The man gets his drinks and is starting to get another real intoxication. After a couple of drinks the barkeep asks the man "how did you do it?"
The man says to get him to laugh I told him that I had a bigger penis than him, to get him sad again, I showed him...

 

If you like true story jokes try this one: www.tiac.net/users/cri/darwin.html

I hope you like it.

 

Stop me if you've heard it before... Too late.

One lunchtime a duck walks into the bar, asks for a pint and a sandwich. The landlord is shocked, but gathers himself to ask what the duck is doing around there. "I work on the building site across the way", says the duck.

Thereafter every day the duck comes into the pub for his lunch.

Then one day the landlord calls him over and he says: "I saw a circus coming into town yesterday. Why don't you apply for a job there with your talents?"

"You mean the place with all the animals?" says the duck.

"Yes"

"In the big tents?" says the duck

"Yes"

"What the F*** would they want with a plasterer?"

 

From the movie Traffic:
When Nikita Kruschev, premier of the USSR retired, he told his successor, I'm gonna give you two letters (the ones you put in envelopes). When you're in a situation you can't get out of, open the first one. When you have another situation you can't get out of, open the second one.

Soon enough, the successor got into some trouble, and he opened the first letter, which read: "Blame everything on me." So he blamed Kruschev and it worked like a charm.

The same thing happened soon after, and the successor opened the second letter, which read:"Write two letters."

-----------------------------

From a magazine I read:
A genie grants a bear and a rabbit two wishes each.

The bear wishes for a giant penis.
The rabbit wishes for a motorbike.

The bear wishes for every bear except himself to be female.
The rabbit wishes the bear to be gay.

[This message has been edited by creudzfeldt-jakob (edited January 17, 2002).]

 

ROFLAO!! i'm sorry but the last horse joke and the bear and rabbit joke have had me in stitches!!

 

Great fun!

Here's one:

Two guys are walking down the street and they see a dog, sitting on the sidewalk, licking his genitals.

The first guy says to his buddy: "I really wish I could do that."

His buddy responds: "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

 

Two cannibals are sitting around a fire eating a clown when one sais to the other... "Does he taste funny to you?"

 

An avid adventurer was caught by a band of cannibals and brought to their chief.

"Please don't eat me, I'm a very influential Chief Editor." says the man.

"Don't worry, soon you'll be Editor-in-Chief."

 

A few excerpts from the courthouse...from real life.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes. I have been since early childhood.

 

Mirkwood, LOL. I can't wait to tell that one.

 

Not sure if I posted this last time we had a jokes topic.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

You know the trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,it was Weggie Kray.

I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.I rang her up,I said "Do you get my drift?".

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck".

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition , I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

Did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, "That's a turtle disaster".