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Hoping to win a pun contest, a man submitted 10 puns to the contest center to increase his chances of winning. As it turned out, no pun in ten did.

 

For math students and all others who are intersted in curves.
http://wald.heim.at/redwood/510013/images/GEOMETRI.JPG

 

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

One morning a man meets a frog as it jumps across the road in front of him.
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman" croaks the frog.
The man picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.

After a while the frog croaks from the pocket: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman and stay with you for a week"
He picks the frog out of his pocket, takes a look at her, smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket.

Later the frog starts up again, louder this time: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful young woman, and I'll stay with you for a year. And I'll do whatever you want!"
He picks it up again, takes another look, and puts it back.

With some desperation now the frog says: "Whats wrong with you? Just one kiss and you'll have a beautiful girlfriend who'll do whatever you want for a whole year! Why not kiss me?"

He picks the frog out, looks her in the eye and says: "I'm an IT consultant. I've got no time for a girlfriend at the moment. On the other hand, a talking frog, now thats cool!"

[This message has been edited by Viking (edited January 21, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Viking (edited January 21, 2002).]

 

/me came across this one in one of his textfiles

Archaelogists in Israel come across the cave with the drawings on one of the walls, in this order: a crude picture of a woman, a picture of a donkey, a picture of a shovel, and a picture of a fish. The great minds of the world consider this and finally this one scientist gets up to explain it to the audience. "Well, we believe this describes their culture and society, somewhat like a record. The woman symbolizes the fact that they esteemed their females very highly and respected them. The donkey signifies that they understood it's uses as a work animal or tool for performing tasks. The shovel indicates that they knew how to work with the soil and plants. The fish shows that many of them were fishermen and made their living by fishing and providing food from the nearby mediterreanean. Everyone is excited: "Yeah, wow that's really something." But way in the back a good-lookig Jewish fellow stands up and says."No, you bunch of ignorant goyim, Hebrew is written from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel! Dig the ass on that babe!"

 

A REDNECK LETTER


Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.


Love, Mom


P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.


There are approximately two billion children in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu or Buddhist (except maybe Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, which comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each for each household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose of our calculations) we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops and breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, and moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more then a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds) the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tonnes, not counting Santa himself. On land a conventional reindeer can pull no more then 300 pounds. Even granting that a "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360.000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54.000 tonnes, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the Monarch) 600.000 tonnes, traveling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14,3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time when Santa would reach the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps. in 0.001 second, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17.000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which is ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
the sleigh by 315.015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

DUCK HUNTING

A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the South Carolina Low country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in to a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and he is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities." He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here."


An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

 

love tha last two, Igor.

 

This is one of my favourite jokes!


Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!