Jokes - hope no-one minds

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Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer?
.
.
.
.
.
.
The taste.

 

Check out this site if you like jokes:
http://www.aaronsjokes.com

This is a great joke site.

 

Yeah good jokes you got that from www.amused.com didn't ya?

There is heaps of cool jokes and also other cool stuff there, check it out!

Well i bought this joke book the other day ad its awsome here are some of the jokes!

Four men went golfing one day. They thought after a long day of golf they should head towards the bar for a drink.

The three men started talking, braggng about their sons. The first man told the others " My son is a builder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free".

The second man said "My son is a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes!"

The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, " My son is a stockbroker and he is doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio".

The fourth man joined them and after a few minutes the first man said to him "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?
"Well" replied the man. "My son is gay and dances in a gay bar". I'm not tottaly thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. "His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new merecedes and a stock portfolio!"

 

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life
is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the

end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle
is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an
old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a
gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're
young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol,
you party, you get ready for school. You go to primary school,
you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your
last nine months floating

...and then finish off as an orgasm!

> >>>HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
> >>>She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
> >>>She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
> >>>She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
> >>>She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY
OVERBURDENED.
> >>>She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST
QUALITIES.
> >>>She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in
DOMESTIC
> >>>INCARCERATION.
> >>>She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
> >>>She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
> >>>She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL
STIMULATION.
> >>>She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
> >>>She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE
SIDE.
> >>>She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
> >>>She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
> >>>She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD
DISPLACEMENT.
> >>>She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
> >>>She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
> >>>She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
> >>>She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
> >>>She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.
> >>>She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
> >>>She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
> >>>She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
> >>>She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC
SATURATION.
> >>>She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
>>>>>She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
>>>>>She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
>>>>>She is not LOOSE - She is ELASTICALLY UNDERPRIVILEGED.
> >>>She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR.
> >>>She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST

 

Here is another good one!

A pregnant woman, with triplets is walking down the street when suddendly a masked robber jumps out of no where and shoots her in the stomach three times.
Luckily the three babies are ok and the doctor decides to leave the bullets in there because it is too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks in to the room in tears.
What's worng asks the mother?
I was having a wee and this bullet came out replies the daughter.
The mother tells her its ok and tells her what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
Mum i was having a wee and this bullet came out!
Again her mother tells her not to worry and and she explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the third triplet, a boy walks in to the room in tears.
Its okay says the mother i know what happened, you were having a wee and the bullet came out.
No says the boy i was jerking off and i shot the cat.

 

This guy is drinking Scotch on the rooftop bar of a 50-floor hotel when the guy next to him orders 10 Tequila shots. He watches as his neighbour downs all 10 shots, one after the other, then runs to the balcony and jumps off. The bartender keeps wiping the bar like nothing happens. A few minutes later, the guy almost drops his Scotch when the Tequila drinker suddenly sits down next to him again and says, "Another 10 Tequila" to the bartender.

He doesn't even pretend not to watch as the guy drinks all ten Tequila shots and yet again runs to the balcony and jumps off. When the elevator doors open and the Tequila guy strolls back over to him again, he can't help but say, "How the heck did you get back up here? You just jumped off a 50-story building!"

Smiling, the guy replied, "Tequila makes you buoyant. After 10 Tequila shots, you float gently down to earth." Then, to demonstrate, he orders and drinks another 10 shots and jumps again off the balcony.

Seeing is believing, so the Scotch drinker switches to Tequila. He downs 10 shots and jumps off the balcony- and is killed in the fall.

When the elevator doors open and the Tequila guy strolls casually back to his seat at the bar, the bartender shakes his head sadly and says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman".

 

Lol good joke sprite!

My sister told me this one!

What smells funny?
A clowns fart

Why was the blonde proud of having finished the jigsaw puzzle in two months?
Because the box said "Two to Five years"

 

ive built up a collection of jokes,these are a few of them.Enjoy

TITLE: The Genesis on the PC

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,

cLet there be light!

Enter user id.

cGod

Enter password.

cOmniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

cOmnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

cTechnocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

cLet there be light!

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

cCreate light

Done


cRun heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

cLet there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

cCreate firmament

Done.


cRun firmament

And God divided the firmament. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

cLet the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and

to the dry land appear and......

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

cCreate dry_land

Done.


cRun firmament

And God divided the waters and the land. And God saw there were 0

errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

cCreate lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

cCreate sun_moon_stars

Done


cRun sun_moon_stars

And God divided the light and the darkness. And God saw there were 0

errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

cCreate fish

Done


cCreate fowl

Done


cRun fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that

creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged

fowl after its kind.

And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

cCreate cattle

Done


cCreate creepy_things

Done


cNow let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

cCreate man

Done


cBe fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and

have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air

and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Too many command operands. Try again.

cRun multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

cInsert breath

Done


cRun multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

cMove man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

cCreate Garden.edn

Done


cMove man to Garden.edn

Done

cRun multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

cCopy woman from man one

cRun multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

cCreate desire

Done


cRun multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

cCreate freewill

Done


cRun freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

cUndo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

cDestroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter

replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

cHelp

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an

accessible file and cannot be destroyed.

Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

cCreate tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

cCreate good, evil

Done


cActivate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.

1errors.

cScan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

cDelete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

cDestroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter

replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

cStop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

cBreak

cBreak

cBreak

***ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS***: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN OR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.

cCreate new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.

cDestroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

cDestroy earth confirmed

***COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN***. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
MARCH AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh.


TITLE: Windows Error Messages

The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?

9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
off."

11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20.User Error: Replace user.

21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.
>>

TITLE: Military Intelligence


Following is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South
to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND A NUMBER OF
VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES, THAT'S
ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO
ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


TITLE: The Stoic Native American

There once was a pack of indians and the indian cheif could never seem to
fart. So eventually he got one of his indian people to call up a doctor and tell
him "Big cheif no fart!". So the doctor came up the next day with a pill and he
says "Here, take this and call me the next day to tell me what happened". So the
indian calls back up the next day and says "Still, big chief no fart!". So the
doctor brang up an even bigger pill. The next day the indian calls the doctor up
and says "Once again, big cheif no fart!". So the doctor had enough of this and
brang and this HUGE pill, I mean this pill had to be takin' in by tanks. So the
next day the indian calls up the doctor and says..."BIG FART, NO CHEIF!!".

TITLE: A Mess O Shit


The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath.
Step 2: count to 10. Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just
as much blood when you grab a thorn.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown,
And fewer Still to smack the annoying SOB upside the head

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult
that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
foundation leaks and a ball game rains out and a car rusts and...

I always try a little kindness. As little as possible.

I am told that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration,
If so I am sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

Men are like small children. You bring a new one home
and the ones already there resent it.

I love playing cards with children.
They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's
the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who quit their jobs
immediately. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

In any organization there's always one person who knows what is going on.
Seek-out that person and work on getting him fired.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first
woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Mallzheimer's: The inability to remember where you parked your car.
THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:
>>> > ======================
>>> > The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no
>>> > genitals.
>>> > ----------------
>>> > When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then
>>> > there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
>>> then
>>> > there must
>>> > have been something before it.
>>> > ----------------
>>> > People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for
>>> the
>>> > TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
>>> channel
>>> > manually.
>>> > ----------------
>>> > When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat
>>> > it too". F*** off. What good is a damn cake you can't eat? What,
>>> > should I eat someone else's cake instead?
>>> > ---------------
>>> > When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course
>>> it
>>> > is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
>>> > this?
>>> > Who and where are they?
>>> > ---------------
>>> > When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
>>> > dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that
>>> thing
>>> > over there.
>>> > What did you come here for?
>>> > ---------------
>>> > People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a
>>> > choice, did ya there buddy?
>>> > ---------------
>>> > People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
>>> > where my watch is, pal. Where do you keep yours? Do I point at my
>>> > crotch when I
>>> > ask where the bathroom is?
>>> >
>>>
>>
>
>

Top 19 Ways To Annoy Other People...
***********************************************

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%,
dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all of your checks, write
"for sensual massage".

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running
in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's
what YOU think".

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific
papers and "cc" them to your boss.

8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in
accordance with prophecy".

9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping
your hands over your ears.

10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the
people are green and insist to others that you
"like it that way".

11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen
times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
it's gone now."

12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what gender they are.

14. While making presentations, occasionally bob
your head like a parakeet.

15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer
at passing cars to see if they slow down.

16. Sing along at the opera.

17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem
doesn't rhyme.

18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and
then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter
something about "psychological profiles".

19. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail
address book even if they sent it to you or ask you
not to send things like this.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr.
>Benson looked out the window.
>
>"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
>
>Other passengers left their seats and came running over;
>suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet
>another engine exploded on the other side.
>
>The passengers were in a panic now, and even the
>stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing
>tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit
>and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
>His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the
>passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly
>walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several
>packages from under the seats and began handing them to
>the flight attendants.
>
>Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
>
>"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those
>parachutes?"
>
>The pilot said they were.
>
>The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was
>nothing to worry about?"
>
>"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
>"We're going to get help."

TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS


10) Ellen DeGeneres-- Suffocates in the closet


9) Susan Lucci--Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to
accept

an Emmy


8) Jenny McCarthy--Struck by a random thought


7) Frank Sinatra--Killed by Stranglers in the Night


6) RuPaul--Prostate cancer


5) O.J. Simpson--Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent
suicide


4) Madonna--Exposure


3) Unabomber--Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"


2) Al Gore--Dutch Elm Disease


and the *Predicted* NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS:


1) Bill Gates--Falls out of a Window
>>

> A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
>>> middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
>>> unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
>>> The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
>>> over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of
>>> the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
>>>
>>> The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
>>> highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
>>> She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
>>>
>>> "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
>>> killed it."
>>>
>>> The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
>>> her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
>>> dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
>>>
>>> Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the
>>> two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped,
>>> turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards,
>turned,
>>> waved and hopped another 50 yards.
>>>
>>> The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be
>>> in the woman's spray can!!
>>>
>>> He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What
>>> did you spray on that rabbit?"
>>>
>>> The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
>It
>>> said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

TITLE: Descriptions of some people you might know...

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3. A room temperature IQ.

4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them
together.

5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

7. Bright as Alaska in December.

8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.

9. Fell out of the family tree.

10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.

13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.

16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled .

17. Takes him an hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".

18. One burger short of a happy meal.

TITLE:MARTIAN LOVE

 

ROTFL I love them all expecially the one about creation

 

ROTFL!





[This message has been edited by Gormenghast (edited July 31, 2001).]

 

It's not finished!!! I want more of 'em... Anyway great jokes!

 

I thought this thread was dead.

If women drink::

BEER: personality=casual, low maintenance, down to earth
approach= challenge her to a game of pool

BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA:
personality=flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
approach=avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy

MIXED DRINKS-NO UMBRELLAS:
personality=mature, has picky taste, knows what she wants
approach=if she wants you she'll send you a drink

WINE-BOTTLED NOT 4 LITRE CASK:
personality=conservative and classy, sophisticated
approach=try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversion

BACARDI BREEZER, SMIRNOFF ICE, VODKA MULE, ETC:
personality=easy, thinks she is trendy and sophisticated but actually has
absolutely no clue
approach=make her feel smarter than she is..... and you're in!

BAILEYS:
personality=annoying voice, bit of a tart
approach=stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

SHORTS AND SLAMMERS:
personality=hanging with the lads or looking to get drunk......and naked.
approach=easiest in the pub all you have to do is wait.............

if men drink:

CIDER:
he's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER:
he's poor/student and wants to get laid

PREMIUM LOCAL BEER:
he likes good beer and wants to get laid

BITTER:
he likes good beer and wants to get laid

IMPORTED BEER:
he likes expensive beer and wants to get laid

GUINNESS:
the man is a rapist and will get laid one way or the other

WINE:
he's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and
help him
get laid

VODKA OR BRANDY:
extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid

PORT:
thinks he's sophisticated, secretely likes men and wants to get laid

WHISKY:
he doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who gets in
his way
of getting laid

J.D.
not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine
activities
(knitting, crochet, etc) to weasel himself into getting laid

TEQUILA:
likes fighting almost as much as getting laid

BACARDI BREEZERS, SMIRNOFF ICE, VODKA MULE ETC. he's BLATANTLY GAY or at least BI CURIOUS!

 

Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?
Because if they dragged them by their feet, they'd fill up with sand.

A guy at a bar sees a woman, and approaches her. For a lack of anything better to say, he just says, "I'd like a little pussy".
The woman says, "Me too, mine's as big as a bucket".

Why'd the gorilla fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

What does a Southern girl say after sex?
Get off me Pa, you're crushin' my smokes.
(it's a joke, laugh)

A couple is driving down a country road. They get into a heated arguement, and the woman lashes out with a knife; severing his penis, she throws it out the window.
At the same time, A father and his 7 year old daughter is coming the opposite way down the road. As they pass the couple, the penis bounces off of his windshield. An eerie silence ensues as the father hopes his daughter doesn't say anything. To his dismay, she asks, "Daddy, what was that"?
"It was a bug dear", he says. And she seemed satisfied with the answer.
A little ways down the road she says, "Daddy, that bug sure had a big dick, didn't it"?

Oh man, I love that one.

I'd also like to say that I'm not really sorry if that offended anyone.

 

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel.

"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome.

"Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.

"Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol.

"We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film.

"ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt.

"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel.

"Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan.

"Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel.

"Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan.

"Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.

"Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong.

"Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room.

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery.

"Please waste." -- Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel.

"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel.

More of this you will find here: http://www.rinkworks.com/

 

Sorry if you've already seen these :


A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and
took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the
customer, saying, "That'll be £5000."

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did
it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast,
tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage.

"Hey, that one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming,
Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the
shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a
cage of its own.

The price tag around its neck read £50,000. The tourist gasped to the
shopkeeper,

"That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does
it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but
it says it's a project manager."



THE 10 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of s**t

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.

3. How about "never"? is "never" good for you?

4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

6. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?

10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

USEFUL EXPRESSIONS FOR THOSE HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f**king sunshine?

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

4. Do I look like a f**king people person?

5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

7. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

8. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

9. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

12. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

13. And your crybaby whinny-assed opinion would be...?

14. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

15. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I' m just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.

21. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

22. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

23. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

24. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

25. Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work is done.

26. Earth is full. Go home

27. Is it time for your medication or mine?

28. Aw, did I step on you poor little bitty ego?

29. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

30. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

31. When I want your opinion I'll give it to you


Sorry if there were any swear words in there

 

So a man walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. After he orders a drink and the bartender goes to the tap, the man hears a tiny voice say,"Wow, look at those muscles. Do you work out?" The man looks around and sees no one, so he decides that he is just hearing things. He downs his drink and asks the bartender for another. The bartender goes and gets it, and as he does, the man hears the same tiny voice say,"You look very smart. I'll bet you were the top of your class in high school!" Again, the man looks around and doesn't see anyone. When the bartender returns, the man tells him about the voice and what it said. The bartender, in a knowing voice, replies,"It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."



Okay, there is this magic mirror in this bathroom at this restuarant. If you go up to it and tell a lie, *poof* you are gone. So anyways, this really ugly lady walks up to it and says "I am the most beautiful person in the world!" *poof* she's gone Then, this tone-deaf lady walks up and says, "I am the best singer in the world!" *poof* she's gone. Then this blond lady walks up to the mirror and says, "I think..." *poof* she's gone!


If H2O IS WATER WHAT IS AN ICE CUBE?

H2O CUBED


Irelands worst air disaster occured today, when a small two seater plane crashed into a cemetary..... Irish search & rescue have recovered 826 bodies. Digging continues....

Sorry If i have offended someone!

The kindergarten kids had graduated to the infant class. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, 'No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.'

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, 'No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word.'

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and, in a very adult way, replied, 'Winnie the Shit.'




[This message has been edited by Gormenghast (edited July 31, 2001).]