Jokes

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Post your silly jokes here. Obviously no racist or perverted ones. I'll start you off with :-

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate

 

There are more here:
http://www.sorcerers.net/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=7;t=005083

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks
in the garden, God came to visit Eve. How're things, Eve?" He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain,"
reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the animals six so I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!" "Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"

 

q - What's black, crispy, and hangs from a celing?
a - An amateur electrician

A girl walks into a pet store and asks an employee if they have any rabbits. The employee leans down and asks, "What kind would you like, dear? A cuddly black ones, a warm brown one, or a nice white one?" The little girl shrugs and replies: "I don't think my python really cares."

 

Hey, I posted this on another forum today, so let's hear it for recycling!

Q - Why do kids think chefs are mean?
A - Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream.

 

Another Creation joke, awww

Logfiles of Eden:

C: Let there be light!
Unknow User ID
C: God
Enter Password
C: Omniscient
Invalid password. Reenter password.
C: Omnipotent

And God logged on at 12:01 AM Sunday, March 1.

C: Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command.
C: Create light.
Done
C: Run heaven and earth.

And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Monday, March 2.

C: Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light.
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C: Create firmament.
Done
C: Run firmament.

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

C: Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C: Create dry_land.
Done
C: Run firmament.

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

C: Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from night.
Unspecified type. Try again.
C: Create sun_moon_stars.
Done
C: Run sun_moon_stars.

And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Thursday, March 5.

C: Create fish.
Done
C: Create fowl.
Done
C: Run fish, fowl.

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after it's kind and every winged fowl after it's kind. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 12:02 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Friday, March 6.

C: Create cattle.
Done
C: Create creepy things.
Done
C: Now let us make man in our image.
Unspecified type. Try again.
C: Create man.
Done
C: Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and of the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Too many command operands. Try again.
C: Run multiplication.
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
C: Insert breath.
Done
C: Run multiplication.
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C: Move man to Garden of Eden.
Filename Garden of Eden does not exist. Abort, Retry, Ignore? A
C: Create Garden_of_Eden.
Too many parameters.
C: Create Garden.edn.
Done
C: Run multiplication.
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
C: Copy woman from man.
Done
C: Run multiplication.
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C: Create desire.
Done
C: Run multiplication.

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn.

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C: Create freewill.
Done
C: Run freewill.

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn.

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C: Scan Garden.edn for man, woman.
Search failed. Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C: Delete shame.
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C: Destroy freewill.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C: Stop.
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C: Ctrl_Break
C: Ctrl_Break
C: Ctrl_Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS COMPUTER SHUTTING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. LOG OFF NOW.

C: Create new world.
You have exceeded allocated file space. You must delete old files before new ones can be created.
C: Delete earth.
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C: Delete evil.
This file is in use and cannot be deleted.
C: Destroy evil.
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C: Oh ****!!!
Invalid path or filename.
C: Destroy earth. Please confirm.
Destroy earth confirmed.

 

What did Snow White say when she dropped off her film?

"Some day my prints will come."


One day, this king decided to go hunting. So he gathered up his entourage of servants and went trekking into the woods, in search of deer. After searching for a while, he heard some rustling in the bushes nearby. He drew his rifle and aimed at the bush, when, all of a sudden, a man came running out, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" The king shot him dead.


After a little while, one of the king's servants finally gathered up enough courage to ask the king, "Sire, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!"


The king replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"
~~~
A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
~~~
Say, did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?

No?

Well, well, well.
~~~
The miserly squirrel never found a mate, because he insisted on a prenutshell agreement.
~~~
Why should you never run in front of a bus?
You will get tired.
~~~
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
Because so many of them own phones.
~~~
Where do Sith Lords shop?
At Darth Mall.
~~~
What do you say to an alien with two heads?
Hello. Hello.
~~~
What did the lightbulb say to its mother?
I wuv you watts and watts.

 

Some tips for women


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HE :Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Q:How do you call a fish with no eyes?
A:A fsh!

I'll edit in more as I come up with 'em

 

I lost my bed, can I have yours?
or
I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

 

Three little mice were talking about how tough they really are.
The first mouse says:"In my house there are about 5000 poison crumbs, I just eat them and only become a little nautious"
"Pfff" said the second mouse "in my house there are about 50 mousetraps, but I always get the cheese and even when one gets me I do 10 push ups just for a workout"

Meanwhile the third mouse slowly walked away, the other two thinking they are the toughest mice around.

"Where are you going" the first mouse asked

As he slowly turned around the third mouse says:" I'm gonna f*** the cat

 

Q How does a programmer pray?

A In the name of the Father, the Son and Holy Ghost enter.

Q Why does a programmer use the whole bottle of shampoo when washing his hair?

A Because it says 'repeat' at the end of the instruction.

 

What do teachers and calenders have in common?
You like hanging em up most

Its yellow and if you push the button it turns red?
A little chicken in a mixer

Two chairs are playing soccer and an egg comes across them.The eggs says"can i play with you guys?" The chairs reply "But eggs cant play soccer old chap"

 

The word of the day is 'legs'. Lets go to my place and spread the word!

 

What's red and sits in a corner?

A baby eating razor blades


What's green and sits in a corner?

The same baby six weeks later