Something off the WOTC boards:

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I saw this on the WOTC boards and just had to share it with you guys. Hilarious. I present to you the most eloquent Orc ever!

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By Loci

Grug: Greetings fellow Elf-eaters! Grug is pleased to find that across this vast multiverse there are other like-minded individuals dedicated to the extermination of the vermin that call themselves the 'Elven race'. For years I have led my hordes in this holy quest, handed down to us by Gruumish himself, and have faced the brittle pansies on their home ground.

And so many have asked me why? Why hunt the Elf? Why exterminate them like humans do to the rat? My replies to their corpses are never answered effectively. Grug, however, loses too many servants that way, so he shall enlighten those heretics who read this document with his first unanswerable answer: Why not? If you're going to kill something, why not kill something that's worth killing?

All orcs know this instinctively: Killing elves is the highest form of art practiced by truely civilized cultures. Even before the vile Corellian cowardly maimed the most holy Gruumsh's left eye while his back was turned, orcs knew that the only good elf was stewed. However, as loathe as I am to admit it, the orc alone cannot expunge the infestation, so other races must be recruited to the cause.

Reasons that have been proven successful in bringing others under the holy banner are:

1. Elves control the drug trade. What, you thought we called them tree-hugging hippies just for fun? You think they inhabit the forrest 'cause they like trees? You think they kill tresspassers because they don't like non-elves? You really thought feywine was alcohol? Think again, foul elf magic has made their poppy fields taller, lusher and more potent than any other grass in all creation. Worse yet, they're hogging it all. That's the real reason the elves are the way they are: they're not arrogant, aloof or idle. They're just constantly stoned.

2. The Drow. The Drow are both the elf-hater's greatest enemies and allies all at once. Evil, viscious, back-stabbing, sneaky, underhanded and cowardly, Drow are the only honest elves in existance. That is, they KNOW that they are inherently evil and an unholy blight on the landscape, and are open about it. The rest of the elves hide it. That being said, the Drow hate elves as much as any orc, and their knowledge of new and fun ways to create elf-specific poisons and diseases make them almost indespensible. As a personal favour, and in exchange for help, Grug has promised that they'll be the last race exterminated. But exterminated they still shall be. If, however, you are too impatient to use the Drow to your advantage, you will find the forces of stupid (Loci note: Grug refers to the forces of 'good' as the forces of 'stupid' or 'idiocy') as staunch supporters in the war. Just make sure you're finished with them when you burn the prisoners. It can disturb them.

3. Elves are an infestation of the woodlands that could otherwise be used for heating homes and real estate. Merchants are particularly vulnerable to this idea.

4. Elves can't keep their genes to themselves. Every male elf walking through town is looking for females of breeding age and every female elf is looking to steal away their sons. You want proof? Half-elves. Nuff said. Worse yet, because of their promiscuity, all elves carry disease much like rats.

5. If all else fails, appeal to their greed. Elves have lots of shiny stuff, humans and dwarves always want more.

Unfortunately, Grug knows of little good to do with elf corpses. Some orc tribes do take trophies like scalps and many do find them impressive, however Grug does not indulge in case whatever makes an elf elven in infectious. Those uses Grug can endorse are: eating, spell components and undead slaves.

Elves are a good substitute for army rations, plus an orc army in elf-land is never cut off from supplies. They have all they need after any battle. Non-goblinoids, however, must be trained to accept elf-meat as a viable source of nourishment due to an inherent weakness of their species (Loci note: I think he's referring to our general dislike of cannibalism). As far as eating goes, elves don't have much meat so broth and soup are more popular ways of cooking them. The boiling also kills any diseases which the elf may have contracted, and kills the 'elfishness' (Loci note: Grug is really afraid that any close proximity to an elf will rub 'elfishness' off onto him). Watch out for the Wood Elves, they're stringy.

Any wizard knows that one of the most useful parts of an elf are their hands. This is because a mummified elf hand is the major component for creating a 'Hand of the Mage' amulet. Elven souls are also good fuel for soul-powered items and devices. As an added bonus: elven souls devoured in this way are denied to their gods. My Necromancer friends like raising elven corpses for their armies. Not only does this bolster your horde, the look on their faces when they have to cut down their own relatives and friends is priceless.

As far as other uses go, elf bones are too brittle for furniture or housing, but some uncautious elf hunters have found certain organs to possess life-preserving qualities. Pasted elven skin is said to reduce wrinkles, their hearts add to your life span and their reproductive organs can act as an aphrodesiac when dried out and ground into powder (Grug knows of a twisted alchemist who performs this procedure while the elf is still alive). The use of elven hair as a trophy interests Grug, but he will not partake. However, due to the long elven stoner tradition, elf hair can be smoked successfully.

And finally, Grug urges all right thinking races to rise up against the Elven Plague and remember the ancient battle cries: 'Elves are the disease! Orcs are the cure!', 'For Gruumish!' and 'Tiiiiiiimmmmmbbbbbeeeerrrrrrr!'

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Kill the elven scum!

PS: Orcs are cool.

 

LOL! Elves are sissies!

 

"Elves are weak and anemic. They are powerful only in their dreams."

 

And in those by hardcore elf-LOTR fans

 

Speak of the devil. Being a hardcore elf fan, I still think this is funny. HA. But I will always advocate elven supremecy

 

*cackle*

Hmm, if this orc is as eloquent as he appears, it looks like we're having an evolutionary throwbaCK