Jan is a god

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I was thinking, and i realised that Jan was a God. Bear with me. The time of troubles came along and all gods became mortal. What if some of the gods didn't go back to their planes afterward? I think Jan decided to stick around, afterall how many turnips can you sell in the abyss? On Toril, he can sell turnips and send people mad with endless stroies etc. What is he the god of I hear you ask?
TURNIP CHEFS! It makes sense all of a sudden... Turnip stew, turnip casserole, turnip surprise (it has extra turnip), turnip salad, turnip pie, turnip pizza, tur.... oooh my head hurts. I think i need to lay off the turnip beer.

 

I think you should stop sniffing stuff...

 

That reminds of this time when uncle binkus was travelling to waterdeep. He found this green pool which was surrounded by orange flowers. He was a keen botanist and went over to smell them. It was most unfortunate because they turned him purple. No matter how hard he washed, he couldn't turn back to his normal clour. It finally ended when a circling griffin spotted him amongst the greenery and had him for diner.

 

A definite case of overdosing on turnips methinks.

 

david, I agree

Jansen sure is one of the best things about BG2 - love him

 

You know, I can believe that he is a god. Like remember, in Dragonlance Paladain of what's his name travels as Fizban - a slightly crazy mage with all kinds of funny stories that he half-remembers. Why not Jan? Though he could have a litlle better spells...

 

Maybe Jan could be given a few turnip-related spells to fit in with his fallen God status:

The Evil Turnip of Doom - a blast of scintillating turnip juice Jan can shoot from his fingertips which completely wrecks the taste buds of anyone who inadvertently drinks it for 4-6 rounds.

Bigby's Crushing Turnip - a huge turnip drops from the sky and crushes all beneath it. Save-v-Death at -4 or death by turnip. People of a turnip-loving disposition only take half damage.

Abi-Dalzim's Horrid Turnip - turnip juice covers the entire area. Any non-turnip related beings in the immediate vicinity drown horribly.

Turnip Stop - time for everyone around Jan stops for the time it takes to eat a fully ripe turnip.

Oh, I could go on all night...

 

Summon Turnips would do nicely - I am a great fan of summoning!

 

Not to forget the awesome power of the goodturnips. Tuh-duuuuh! (<-dramatic music)

I totally agree btw. Jan's way too cool for a mere mortal

 

Well, he did say that he took over from bane and gave it up to Cyric...


So, yep. Unless hes a lier, hes a fallen Gody, all right.

Summon Tunrip Warriors
Duratin: 10 hours
Spead:1
School: Turnpation
This spell summons 1-5 Turnip Warriors, who fight all those who don't love Turnips in the imeddte area. Also, can be eaten to repleish health fully.

Also, they taste good, like turnips.

 

And Jan's new weapon:

The Holy Turnip Sword of Smiting Turnip-Hating Scum and Other Vegetable-Disliking Miscreants
Damage: 1d8 + 12 (3 from various enchantments, 9 from its innate turnipy powers
Resistances: +25% turnip-stew protection; +22% turnip-sauce protection; +88% protection from irate turnip-haters protection
Wielded in one hand (the other generally carrying the Shield of Turnip Justice or just a plain turnip for munching on between fights)
Special abilities: 20% chance upon hitting of destroying any non-turnip food the victim is carrying
Extras: the blade can be coated with special turnip juice which soaks into enemy armour and renders it vulnerable to turnip-based weapons


The Shield of Turnip Justice
+5 shield
Abilties: renders the wielder completely immune to all weapons not smothered in turnips; has a sharpened lump of turnip embedded in the centre which can be used for piercing attacks


Someone ought to put these items in the game for any turnip-lovers out there in serious need of some Jan-related upgrades.

 

You guys are all insane, aren't you?

 

"Take that, you turnip-hating scum!"

 

The revenge of the turnips will smite you!!

 

Insanity is in the turnip of the beholder.

Wait.

How did a beholder get a turnip? And an insane turnip, no less!

Time for a holy turnip quest. Save the turnip from the mad manic beholder!

 

LMAO.

I can picture someone comeing along and making this into a real Mod: "Jan's Turnip Mod" would be the name....

*drools*

 

Y'all remind me of Golodon.

But in the meantime, let me defend the taste of the turnip. It's got a sort of crisp sweet flavor with a hint of Maui onion. Turnips, especially organic, fresh specimens, are amazing in a stew or in a salad. Have you tried them chopped up and fried? Yum! Don't just talk about it...go out there and getcher turnip.

My wife says they are also low in carbs!

 

"This reminds me of the time, way back when..."

Someone really, really ought to do an expanded Jan mod. I could well imagine him targeted by a gang of turnip-haters or maybe thieves desperate to steal his latest creation. And the turnip spells and weapons listed above have real potential.

Anyone who disagrees is clearly of a non-turnip state of mind and should be summarily pelted with rotten turnips until they come to their senses.

 

Been suggested before.

 

The moderately amusing thing is that, with cooking being another thing I like to spend time on, I've foung that turnips really aren't half bad. Not as popular as potatoes in America, but a fairly decent option for many recipes that would otherwise call for potatoes.

And to stay somehwat more on-topic... anyone else here familiar with the British series "Black Adder"? I keep looking at Jan and think "Baldrick's brother".