Funniest quotes and answer choices

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I wanted to reopen this topic because it is great, and also because I wanted to know a bit of dialogue that I can't get at at the moment.

Can someone post the Jan Jansen dialogue from the end of Throne of Bhaal, the one where he tells you about the year he spent as a God. I really want to give it to someone, but I don't have time to go through ToB to get it.

Anyway, in exchange here's a couple I like.

In SoA, a dialogue between Jan and Viconia and he tells about how he was swallowed by an avatar of Lloth, then Viconia asks you why you travel with this gnome, and you have the option to say something like, 'Well, it all began with Jan's uncle Scratchy...' and thence start up a Jansen type story yourself and annoy Viconia.

In ToB, again between Jan and Viconia. Vicci tells Jan he has a venemous spider down his back, frightening the life out of him. Then when she tells him she was joking, he says something along the lines of, 'I am so turned on right now...' It's a classic!

 

In the background noises in the cities people shout all kinds of things. One of my favorites is apparently from a local vendor, and it goes something like: "If your parents won't buy you a pointy stick, they don't love you!"

 

i just lost it when jan told valygar about his ranger aunt. don't remember it exactly, but something about jans aunt having a pet shadow dragon called larry and a wyvern called gerry. and then aunty got eaten by someone because of her fruit armor. "as was the style of the time".

 

I hope I don't get bombarded by reviving this topic, but this is too funny to pass up:

Edwin: Out with it, gnome! I see that you are fabricating another of your fanciful lies as you look at me!
Jan: Oh, don’t get all huffy. It’s just that, at this angle you look a lot like my Uncle Ager of the Tomes.
Edwin: Ah, and I suppose he had a comical disfigurement, or his mind fell a few coppers short of a silver, or that his tremendous odor kept the stars afloat, or some other thinly disguised failing told ONLY to demean me in the eyes of others!
Jan: Eh, no, he was a mage. Tell me, Edwin, are you having trouble at home?
Edwin: (sigh) Go away, gnome. Go away.

And this one is simply HILARIOUS!!

Imoen: You know, Jan ... I was listening to a story you were telling a little earlier. I thought it was quite fascinating.
Jan: Indeed? Well, I must say I’ve never quite looked at goat cheese quite the same way again. And neither did poor Gilbert. Or any of his cats.
Imoen: And neither will (CHARNAME), the way (HE or SHE) was groaning. Your story did remind me of a story I heard in Candlekeep, though.
Jan: Oh? A new story? My, my ... you’ve got the tiniest toes on my gnomish feet wiggling like Aunt Petunia trying to get into her Sunday dress. Let’s hear it.
Imoen: Well, it just reminded me of the bowl of goat’s milk that old Winthrop used to put outside his door every evening for the dust devils. He said that dust demons could never resist goat’s milk, and that they would always drink themselves into a stupor and then be tired to enter his room ... that way he would never have to spend any time dusting because his room was always be clean.
Jan: Ingenious! Go on.
Imoen: It turns out that dust devils gossip a lot, and tales of Winthrop’s nightly goat milk would spread. So along comes this three-armed Balor (There’s a longer story about why the Balor had only three arms, and besides the fact he was nicknamed ‘Smart Mouth’ by the greater powers of the Abyss I won’t go into it any more than that.) who flies into Candlekeep in the middle of the night and storms his way over the Winthrop’s cell and drinks the milk. The Balor, however, has mis-heard the gossip and thought he was drinking the milk of a pregnant Glabrezu. Don’t ask me why.
Jan: Well, he must have been disappointed. I know I would have been.
Imoen: Indeed, he was. He put up such a fuss and a racket, pounding on the door to Winthrop’s cell, that he woke up just about everyone in the keep. Including Gorion, who usually slept very soundly and didn’t wake up very well, anyway. Well, Gorion was all groggy and thought the keep was under attack and just about blew the roof off with a series of fireballs and lightning bolts. (CHARNAME) was so scared (HE or SHE) cried like a baby.
Jan: Hhmph. I don’t blame (HIM or HER). Uncle Scratchy once did something similar with a bad mixture of turnip stew and vinegar, but the smell was probably worse.
Imoen: Gorion was terribly angry. He was grumbling and (CHARNAME) was bawling, people were running around everywhere ... it was a terrible scene. They banned goat’s milk from the keep, which meant that Winthrop had to dust his own room after that point and taught him a lesson about trying to get out of work, as well.
Jan: Hmmmn. What happened to the Balor?
Imoen: Oh. The monks bought him off with a tome of jokes about baatezu. I hear he’s been touring the Abyss ever since. Gets heckled a lot, but what do you expect for a comedian in hell?
Jan: Hmmn. Hmn. Alright. Yes, very good job there, lass. At least one turnip reference might be called for in the future, but all-around well done.
Imoen: (giggle) I’ll keep that in mind.

 

I love this topic. I'm so happy it got revived.

One that had me rolling was Minsc and Korgan:

Minsc: Korgan! Boo sees that you've been staring at him. It has made him very angry. See how he trembles with the fury?

Korgan: Ach! The little bugger's probably just cold. I'll heat a pot of water to warm his wee bones and ya just toss him right in. Then its hamster stew for everyone!

 

This has been said, but it hasnt been well said:
Imoen: You look a little down, Edwin. You’re not upset, are you?
Edwin: My mood is no concern of yours, child.
Imoen: You’ve become less blustery, I think. Maybe ... maybe you’re mad everyone else is finding destinies and prophesies and generally surpassing you in every way?
Edwin: You go too far, girl! I hold none of you above me!
Imoen: I mean, even me, little frail Imoen is a big scary Child of Bhaal now! That’s got to be frustrating.
Edwin: Now that is just nonsense! All of it!
Imoen: Hey Edwin! Boo!!
Edwin: WHA! What ... is it .. NOW!
Imoen: He flinched! The big bad mage flinched! HAHA! Oooh, look I’m Bhaal, I’m big and scary, ooohh.
Edwin: Now that was just ... you are just being ...
Imoen: Oooooh, don’t worry, the big bad Imoen won’t scare you no more. Heeheeheee, ‘boo’ I says, and he jumped out of his skin ... (snicker)
Edwin: (grumble) ... whelp ... child ... monkey-brained ... how would you like your flaming death you ... grrrr ...

Heres another:
HaerDalis’: Ahh, Imoen, my wildflower. Have I ever told you you’ve a most natural grace and innocent beauty about you? T’is something any man would find most charming.
Imoen: Yeah, okay, whatever. I don’t know about my grace, HaerDalis’, but I’m not all that innocent. I can smell a cheesy come-on from a mile away.
HaerDalis’: ‘Twas not meant as such. I’ve no intention of offending you.
Imoen: Uh-huh.
HaerDalis’: T’is only that I see you in an unguarded moment, at times ... and I see the ache in your heart reflected in your eyes. It saddens this sparrow to know there is no-one to hold you close, Imoen.
Imoen: I ...
HaerDalis’: But no doubt I over-step my bounds by saying so. It has only ever been my hope that you might one day give me the chance to be the one that comforts you. It would be an honor, my wildflower.
Imoen: Whew. Gosh, you’re good.
HaerDalis’: Yes, I know. T’is an art form that has served this sparrow well, at times.
Imoen: Write a book. I’ll buy it.

 

Hey, I love this!

I remember the time I.... wait, that was my brother. Oh yeah... When I played through with only.. no, that wasn't me either.

hmm well, one time I had someone who. No, i dreamed that one.

Oh oh oh oh, here's a thought, a thought...a
it's....


gone.
sorry.

 

Is there any way to get Cespenar's voice?
Who play him?
That guy is the fun... can you say it? Hino's Doooooooooooooooooooooom...

 

Cespenar is the best, funniest, cutest... NPC I've ever seen.

"No more shiny ones. Oh, well. Back to cleaning I guesses."

 

Cespenar: I put your shoes in a box (or something like that)

 

Cespenar: "I keep looking though undies, then."

 

I'm running out of recipes soon. Gotta see Martha. She's somewhere in hell I think.

You should got me a candle... or a parakeet in a cage. Smelly.

I sees the bracers of goody two-shoesnes.

Cespenar is a good butler. Oh Yes!

 

I know this is slightly offtopic but all my favorite BG2 quotes seem to have been said and reading all of them kept me laughing for an hour and reminded me of a few in the first Baldur's Gate. For istance Mad Arcand wants you to go get his ring of foolishness and in order to make his request rhyme he constantly says "Wertle, wertle, woo" and later one he ends with a warning not to wear the ring or "You'll wertle, wertle too!" And Portabalwinder goes, "My lung! It's flopping out all over the dirt! Damn" which I always found hilarious. And lastly, when you're helping Drizzt take out all the gnolls, if try to talk to him before they're all gone he says, "Do not poke the Drizzit!" which I always found hilarious.

Oh another really funny response in BG is when a the Flaming Fist guard in most southwest corner asks who you are you can say a "A pack of rampaging tarrasques! Krie! Krie!" which I also found really funny and random

 

Edwin from BG2 when you don't let him join:
PC: You can't join yet. Wait longer.
"Oh, good. I was afraid I wouldn't have time to finish my chart on grass-growth rate (Damn monkeys should be drawn and quartered! All of them!)."

And when you fire him:
PC: Just wait here.
"Bah! I'm sure there's a lot of things around that would keep a great magus such a I interested. Look! A rock! How fascinating!"

 

I cant remember the exact words but Caspenar had a line where he gave a little wink to all those who didn't buy the game and instead were playing an illigal copy.

I think he said it when I didn't whant him to forge me something.

 

Cespenar:

You must have something in here worth me lookings. Maybe nice female imp? Nah...

If you have Thieves’ Hood: “I...hey, what is this? A hood? You off to visits grandmother, or what?”

If you have Runehammer: “Mmm? What's this? You gots hammer? Bhaal once drop hammer on big godly toe. Jump around and swear for days, he did. Kicked poor me all the way to Baator. Very bad week, that.”

If you have Bag of Plenty: “Eh? Bag of rocks? What you do with so many rocks? Need for head?”

If you have Golem Page but dont have him upgrade it: “I just puts book back...probably too many big words for you'se, anyway. Not enough neat pictures.”

If you have Bard’s Gloves: “Hmm...mmmn....wait, here a glove. Only one? What is you, rock star? Oh, wait, here is other one...”

 

Very funny responses were in Baldur's Gate 1. The NPC's even talked to each other(Without the dialogue box but on the realtime).

 

How about one of the first quotes of the game, if you insult Minsc while he is in his cage?

Minsc: Don't make me add you ass to the kicking list!

 

When Minsc decides that you are a good guy.
"We should get you a hamster, or maybe an Ice weasel, depending on your preference."

 

Ha! I love this game! Anyway, my favs (sorry for repeats if there are any) are

"Needs to find Martha soon. She round Hell somewhere I thinks."
You: What are you going to do?
Spectator/Beholder(I can’t remember): Find the nearest Hive check out the ladies.What about you?
You: The same.
(Anything this guy says is funny as hell!)
Imoen: So Sarevoke now that you have a piece of my soul in you...do you feel any different?
Sarevoke: Well beside an obsession with my clothes and weight, No.
And of course theres Edwin as he is turned into Edwina when he realizes what happens you and the party make fun of him, something along the lines of: “Well yeah Edwin, looks like you got yourself into a muddle this time… by the way, nice rack!” (I couldn’t help myself) Edwina: Yeah, they are nice aren’t they- wait a second. “Looks down pants” AH! Where’d it go?!?!”
LOL, by the way, nice rack! SO GOOD