A poem about conformity

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This is a first draft of this poem so sorry if it seems a bit...raw.

Around this little world of ours
conformity begins to bend
its well refined chain of gold
tightly against the non-comformist threads.

Slowly, slowly, it begins at first
then suddenly it races,
consuming the genral populous
painting "acceptance" on our faces.

This is the way, this is the way
the way we must progress,
it seems the world would sympathize
to put us non-comformist to rest.

 

"Raw" is an excellent word looking or listeneing to "rythm". The poem has solid story to tell and it has attitude. It isn't so to say "faceless".

Anyhow. What about making more connections between the content of the verses?

How about that chain? in the second verse it races? Perhaps if it slowly puffed or cuddled or squized and the suddenly crunched?

The crunching or hurting instead of just painting would fit well with the thirds verse which speaks of putting the "guilty" to rest.

That said I'll emphasise that what I said initially. The poem has an opinion and it screams out to tell us. I hope You could use some of my input to shape the poem.

[This message has been edited by ArchAngel (edited April 10, 2002).]

 

I'm no English scholar, so I'll just say that your poem is pretty nice.

 

So how 'bout this.

Around this little world of ours
conformity begins to bend
its well refined chain of gold
tightly against the non-comformist threads.

Slowly, slowly, it begins at first
then suddenly it squeezes,
containing the general populous
the un-popular it teases.

This is the way, this is the way
the way we must progress,
it seems the world would sympathize
to put us non-comformist to rest.


I am sure that this is not the best way it could be written. If you have any other ideas (Archangel, yours are greatly appreciated) please post it. Thanks

 

Very good. You have learned this from the Duck Woman, I take it?

My advice as a nearby associate is that you remove a few of the cliches, because they make the poem perform slightly (though not much) like a pop song instead of a solemn decree...

The first stanza is great - perhaps change "non-conformist" to a different word so that there is not so much of a syllabrically-intensive workout. Perhaps use "silver threads", meaning that the gold chains and the silver chains...well...you get the idea.

In the second stanza, destroy "general populous" - that is an evil creature from the bowels of geography books. Perhaps like

"Slowly, slowly, it begins at first
then suddenly in squeezes,
containing the thousand milestones
those resisting it then teases..."

although that's just a bad example. Like teachers. Also "un-popular" gives it a feeling of diminuated High-School (although, perhaps that is meant?), so what I would do because I'm just the smartest most poetic dude in the world, is shove some metaphorical babble in there.

The fourth stanza is an excellent conclusion, except I don't really understand "sympathize". Use "gather" or another term to make it sound as, say, an army sent to put the supposed evildoers to rest. Also, you might change "non-conformist" again, although it may make the poem more vague.

Warning: this is not me speaking, it is the writer inside me (his name's Bob). Have a better attitude. Wink, wink, wink.

NOTE TO KAHLIIB: I write this before I descend into Hell with about fifty other people, mostly younger than me, with two sticks and a headfull of scarlet B's. I wish I'd never prescribed myself this pain, like you didn't.

 

Ahh I see Mr. DeBredee .. *ehm* I mean Bob isn't all that bad a teacher. Not bad at all

The last sentence in the first "stanza" seems wrong in rhytm. Perhaps skip the word "tightly" since the chain only starts to squeeze in the second stanza.

I agree with "bob" in the second Stanza. Perhaps if you feel that "squeeze" is a hard word to work with, then try using synonyms
or using a rhymetool. Afterwards creativity is just a matter of hiding your sources.
Here is an excellent Rhyme/synonym/etc tool http://www.rhymezone.com/
Like this 11-syllable baby that rhymes with squeeze: chronic obstructive pulmonary disease

One last note; Non-conformists are part of the essence. I would only throw them out as a last resort.

Good luck

[This message has been edited by ArchAngel (edited April 11, 2002).]