A cheery poem

Remove all ads!

I posted this poem somewhere else on SP, but I would really like some feedback on it since it's my first poem. Besides, whether it's good or not it would be nice to read some cheery poems here every once in a while. Anyway, please give me some comments on this.

Joy

You are here!
Unexpected, unannounced
Yet you are here
My friend, my confidant
You are my laughter,
my happiness

I dare not blink
For fear that you will disappear
A conjured apparition,
melting away before my eyes
Like the morning fog before the sun
But blink I must,
and you remain

A radiant smile lights my face,
as I leap up to embrace you
We talk excitedly,
laughing uncontrollably
And I am content
For you are here
My friend, my soul
My joy

 

Excellent poem - creative use, and I wonder where, oh where did you conjure this apparition from?

As per my advice, I would say simply change a few phrases. You see, poetry is a substance that has no name, no molecular structure, no solved purpose - which is exactly what makes it interesting. The conveyance of normal prose, like my writing upon this word, is simply chalk-white cliche based upon majority communication. Poetry, however, is based upon singular emotion - two words that can smoothly perform to make something that doesn't NEED a pliable, set substance like an essay or warning label. To this end, reduce majority communications, i.e., cliches. I hate cliches. I seek to purge them in every poem I write because it singularifies them from all the others.

This poem I find to be very interesting, although not "cheery" - that is a... stereotypical word. It is more calming and pleasureful; this poem is not cheeriness and 'positive attitude', but is bliss and true happiness for the company of something loved.

My literate advice, though, is simply one word. Expand. Write a few more stanzas about how you "must blink" - but don't stray from the emotion you've already given, the constant, everything-is-swell. Constant emotion gives a poem more flavor.

Perform some expansions of limiting words, like in the second stanza,

"But blink I must
and you remain"

...'and' could be changed to 'yet'. Yet I remain. Simple little context clearers like that would really help this poem, plus more length. And purge the cliches.

Read Edgar Allen Poe's happier poetry for good examples on "cheery" literate emotion.

And that's my advice.

 

Xaelifer, thank you for the advice. I am working on expanding the poem a little, but I have nothing substantial yet. As far as the cliches, to what exactly are you referring? The "fog before the morning sun", or is it something else? In any case, here are another few poems and I would again appreciate any feedback.

Nothingness

We are nothing
or so you say
In the vastness of space
amongst countless stars
What are we?

We are less than dust
we are nothing
What does one life matter
in the grand scheme of the universe?
Nothing
or so you say

Yet I ask you
to take our child
and hold him in your arms
Look into his face
open your eyes
And tell me
what do you see?

Do you see nothing?
I'll tell you what I see
I see life
joy and laughter
I do not see nothing

Leave the stars
to their cold magnificence
It is hard to believe
we are insignificant
When I am holding
the universe in my arms

Morning

Fingers sliding
over pale ivory
and gleaming ebony

She plays
and her soul is set free
as she greets the morning
with song

 

By cliches I mean the usual two-word phrases you hear repeated again and again in English oral conversation. Well...for a quick example... in the first stanza, you say

"Like the morning fog before the sun"
(common simile usage)

Perhaps some words could be metamorphed to make it more fun to read (this is part of the reason Shakespeare is so popular to English literaticians - he did not write expectedly). Perhaps make it something like

"A dispelled fog against the sun" (look in a thesaurus for better "dispelled" words - a poor example).

--

I love your next poem Morning, but Nothingness, I'm afraid, jumps around too much.

In Nothingness, I can't tell who's saying what. The first stanza is confusing in the sense that it has the same performance as those after it, and as the conclusion. It's almost as if you took part of a bigger version and stuck a middle part there. You need to introduce the fact of the poem, by taking out the very first "or" and make clearer the fact that YOU are asking "What are we?" by adding a but. But what are we? (Good question, by the way).

The conclusion is excellent, although replacing "the universe" in the last line with a mocking "nothing" would make it interesting:

"When I am holding
nothing in my arms"

as if to say "How can you REALLY believe this is nothing?" This might confuse readers, though, so you'll have to decide. Just an idea.

Morning is excellent - don't change a thing except for adding few punctuation marks (only, however, if you feel that this is necessary). You sound kind of like E.E. Cummings. You're an excellent poet - you make your work better than most because you aren't simply writing in order to create poetry - your emotion backs you to let itself flow onto paper.

Huge advice: write about things you feel most powerfully about. This is the only way any author achieves his standard of success.

 

"Morning" is indeed very well done. I skipped it at first, but when I read Xaelifer's comments I went back to look at it. Very nice.

The first one, however, needs some work. (I didn't read "Nothingness" for lack of time.)

What's the difference between your two poems? Lack of subtlety. In the first couple of lines of "Morning" I don't even know what you're talking about. Just images. In the first poem ("Joyfulness"?), you beat your readers over the head with the point. Don't force them into a feeling. Evoke it.

Another difference is that "Joyfulness" is ordinary. You use the same words the many would use for a feeling that everyone is familiar with. While it's good to keep on common, human themes (instead of, say, the joy of casting "Mislead" with your mage-thief before backstabbing, which not many in the world would identify with), you have to say something unusual and/or in an unusual way. Otherwise, why would anyone bother reading your work?

Get funky with your bad self. You can write. Try out different forms. Make them rhyme sometimes. Pay attention to rhythm and meter sometimes (Darien is the master of this; read her stuff in Satiana's poetry thread). And don't worry about punctuation (I wouldn't punctuate "Morning" at all) as long as the meaning remains clear.

 

Xaelifer, Shralp, thanks again for the input. I will eventually get around to revising my other poems, but I don't have much time right now and it's easier for me to just write something new. This one has a bit of a darker tone than the other poems, and I also tried to make it a little more subtle as to what is going on...but I don't really know if I succeeded there. Once again, any comments would be welcome, and anyone else who wants to post poetry under this topic should go for it!

Mother's Lament

The call comes in
Disbelief and shock war for supremacy
Only to be overtaken by crushing, bitter sorrow
A soundless scream echoes in my head
Leaving in its wake a jagged abyss of pain

I stare helplessly at my empty, clasping hands
Searching for answers that I know I will not find
I who have protected him for so long
Cannot save him from this
My nurturing, shielding wing
Is forever broken

So, with tears streaming down my face,
I fall to my knees and pray
For that is all that I have left to do
I rise hesitantly
And reach out with shaking arms
I gather my family close
And we cling together helplessly
Trying to stay afloat in a world now so devoid of life

I close my eyes, and the past comes alive again
Fiercely defying reality
I see his face shining once more
I reach out…but my hands stroke nothing but memories
My son, they may have taken your body,
But you will live forever in my heart
Be at peace