Knife In The Dark

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ok well i'm not 100% that this is what I wanna call it but anyway I also have this story posted in the booktalk section but I think it's most appropriate here. I'm just starting out writing so I know it's probably going to be a little rough so do you guys have any suggestions? This is only the 'opening' act, so to speak. But have a look and let me know what you think!

Damon ran through the narrow streets of the quiet town of Nithir. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, but he dared not stop. His life depended on it. Had he escaped the creature? He could still feel her presence, dark and foul, around him. Though he could not see her, for the shadows concealed her well.

Damon stopped in an alleyway for breath. A shadow moved to his left, he turned his head but saw nothing. He decided it was not safe here and continued his run through the streets and alleys, behind shops and homes, trying to find somewhere to hide. He heard and eerie laugh, that foul being had found him. A hand touch his should. He whirled around to fact his assailant. A tall dark haired woman stood before him. Her skin was as pale as the moonlight, her hair was made of the very shadows that concealed her in the night, her eyes, a deep violet, were piercing his gaze. A beautiful creature, he thought to himself, as beautiful as she was, she was far more deadly and cunning. She was dressed in a fine black cloak with leather armor. She had no weapon, for she did not need one, her alluring features and smooth smile were her weapons.

“You’ll not feast tonight demon!” challenged Damon.

“You will not prevail against me. You will fall to my might, like your pathetic fellows. You will give me strength and power. You WILL be mine,” declared the woman.

Damon turned to draw his rapier from his waist and to strike down his enemy, only to find that he had none for she had disappeared. Damon surveyed his surrounding to find the woman and ran into an alley for shelter.

He rested his back against the alley wall to catch his breath. He felt the first of the rain drops fall on his head. He turned his head to the night sky and looked at the full moon. The rain fell harder, cooling him in the summer night. Washing the sweat and fear from his face. Damon lowered his head and looked down the alleyway. He started heading down to the end to find a place to rest for a while. As he was walking he saw a small black feline on top of a pile of boxes.

“You and I are both strangers in the night,” Damon told the cat. He stroked the cat’s head and it purred with pleasure. Damon continued to stroke the black cat and continued his one-person conversation with the cat. Suddenly the feline froze and stared blankly at Damon.

“What’s a matter kitty? Cat got your tongue?” Damon joked to himself.

“You will not prevail,” came a soft whisper from behind Damon. The cat hissed loudly and ran away. Damon tried to turn to see where the voice was coming from but was held fast by two strong and elegant hands. One held his neck while the other grasped his waist. The lightning-quick rogue made a dash for his rapier, which lie near by, but was not able to grab it in time. As Damon faded into darkness the last thing he remembered was a female’s voice in a mocking laughter then sharp pain in his neck as he slumped to the ground dead.

*There I added some spaces so it made it easier to read. And, yes, I do plan on finishing the story, it will be long , and having everything above explained.*

[ July 30, 2003, 04:09: Message edited by: Obad-Hai ]

 

Break it down so that there are spaces between each paragraph. I think you will find that almost all professional articles and stories on the internet are that merciful to one's eyes.

 

While agreeing with Oaz that while you show this on Sorcerer's Place you should put spaces between your paragraphs (you'd be surprised how much easier it is to read and how that will hold your readers' attentions more) I also feel that you demonstrate a lot of talent! Your adjectives and descriptions were very well placed and it's the kind of dark fantasy that leaves chills down your spine. It does make a nice start to a story -- provided that you add a little more explanation and depth to your characters before or afterwards. It does leave one wondering quite a few things... Hope you continue this story, I'd be interested in reading the rest of it.

 

Pretty good stuff. There's a few hanging clauses and typos but nothing major. You manage to convey everything clearly without getting into a string of overwrought descriptions. The sentence structure is a little rocky for my taste but in this segment it works to increase the tension, so kudos if you've done that deliberately.

I'm looking forward to more.

 

ya I know there are some spelling errors I retyped it kinda fast and didn't pay much attention to those, like I should have, but thanks. Ya I planned to make the sentences somewhat rocky to create suspense. And i'm just starting out writing so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. This is kinda my opening to the story. After this initial part, that is when the story really begins. But I should have more up soon and I hope you guys will fill me in on what to change or add or fix.

Thanks guys!

 

A very interesting story. I guess i'll just wait for the continuation of it

 

Wow, I can't remember the last time someone took my advice. Pretty good; I have to agree with Rallymama for the most part. Also, consider using "he" in the place of "Damon" in some places; it can get repetitive.

[ August 01, 2003, 02:05: Message edited by: Oaz ]

 

Sounds pretty good.