The Unseen - short story (fantasy)

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I came up with this idea and wanted it to be a little difficult to figure out what was going on until the end--but not so difficult that the story is incomprehensible. So, if you didn't understand what was going on please ask and I'll post a summary of the story with more details. Also, please critique this and tell me how to make it better. Thanks!


The Unseen

Adrain led us, his current form massive yet silent, gliding along the tunnels we followed with inhuman grace. He radiated menace, a dark being of violent visions and death. He was the hunter. His fingertips brushed against the sides every so often to steady himself, yet he had no more need of their reasurrance to guide him in this sightless place than we did. It would be coming soon. I was sure of it, as we all were. We could feel it, threading through us, a part of us necessary for our existence--and this integral thing, this core of our being, would undo us.

He paused then, stopping moving so abruptly that I almost crashed into his back. He glanced down into the chasm that appeared before us. Light swirled in its depths, smashing chaotically against the walls, a force of primal urges so powerful and uncontrollable that we dared not venture forth. We knew the fate that would await us if we did.

He turned then, raising his hand. The tunnel behind us rumbled in response, and then swung inward, the rock growing inwards to meet itself, grinding together with a terrible finality. Spikes erupted from the rock face, growing and twisting into a grotesque semblance of beauty. Their edges were dark with a fluid, and the entire barrier emanated a dark miasma of decay. The way behind us was sealed. He turned then, looking directly at me.

"Here is where we will make our stand, Aros. We can go no farther." I nodded, his words stating what we all knew to be true. We sat, and we waited. It would not be long.

A flash of light erupted before me eyes. I whipped about, thinking--but no, this was not that light. It was Lauren, the last born among us. A sun blazed into existence before her hand, and the tunnel before her melted away, to be replaced by fields as far as the eye could see, wheat rolling in waves before the gentle breeze that touched my face. I was drawn in, as were the others. Lauren had barely had the chance to live--and yet, she would linger, maintain her tenuous grip on existence far longer than the rest of us would. Adrian, the firstborn, was already beginning to fade, his power waning, but he went with us nonetheless. He had no choice. We were drawn in in case we were needed. We solidified as we became part of this place, Lauren's reality. A golden glow suffused the air. It came every aspect of the world, from the wheat, the ground, the stream that flowed nearby--they all emanated their own light, and with it a feeling of calm and assuredness. This place--it sang to me, full of light and beauty. I was glad we were here at the end, instead of in Adrian's reality or in my more mundane existence.

Lauren flowed in front of me then, and I nearly gasped aloud. The little girl from the tunnel was gone. In her place was a fully grown woman, her waist-length blond hair the color of the wheat around her. She had on a simple white dress that somehow managed to emphasize every curve of her body despite what it concealed. He skin was a deep brown, the treasure of a sun-worshipper, yet it was still smooth and supple, begging to be touched. He blue eyes caught the light, reflecting it back in a way that would not be possible were she not emanating her own light as well, suffused in a soft glow. Her eyes sought mine--well, not truly mine, but I was experiencing this with our creator as were the others--and she spoke.

"Erik," she said, her voice chimes tinkling in the wind. "Erik, come to me." She held out her hand, and I began to walk towards her, could feel Adrian and the others moving with me. We touched her hand, and warmth flowed through my body, a feeling of wellness and lightness. I looked down, and we were in the air, watching the world fall away beneath us, a mother of gold and green and blue. We ascended, being drawn ever upwards--

Dong. The chime rumbled through us, calling Erik away, threatening to draw us away from Lauren. We stretched out through him, seeking her, yet we were being drawn away by a force far greater than us. Dong. We were back in the tunnel, ripped away from that paradise that was Lauren, back in the inbetween, that place where we existed between lives.

Lauren sat on the floor, a child once more, the sun and fields still living before her eyes, but dimmer now. Her grip on Erik, the creator, was weakening, yet joy still etched itself in every line of her face. She did not feel the fear as we did--her very essence was different, something to be held onto and kept close, not thrust away or ignored.

Dong. A third tolling of the bell rolled through the tunnel, loosening rocks and sending dust raining down on our heads. The tunnel behind us, from whence we had come, began to weaken. All of us but Lauren turned, our gazes drawn towards the barrier that Adrain had erected behind us. The spikes began to wither. The last obstacle against our pursuer began to succumb to the pressure being applied to it, and cracks spread along its rotting surface. The cold gray light that preceded sunrise leaked through, compelling us to look even though every fiber in my body wanted nothing more than to run and dive into the great chasm in the floor ahead of us, where light still burst violently upward, spreading out like an erupting volcano.

I began to chant, the words of hope we are all given at our birth.

"If I should die before I wake--"

The light streaming through the cracks in the tunnel intensified, growing more powerful with every tolling of the bell.

"I pray the creator my soul to take--"

Adrian backed away from the crumbling tunnel, his eyes on the yawning maw of earth before him. His form altered, and he became smaller, less threatening, as he moved towards the flaming split in the earth.

Lauren's head jerked upwards, her attention finally drawn away from the world she was creating. "No Adrian! You will be weak there--it is not a true life! You, especially, are the least suited to enter--you will be called upon once in a lifetime, if at all. None want to dream of darkness when they have control over where their mind wanders. The lives of the day are not worth living--stay!" Her voice was half pleading, half commanding, the voice of a child about to have something precious torn from her.

Adrian wasn't listening. He, of all of us, understood fear--and he was the most affected by it now. When the barrier behind us crumbled, he would be utterly powerless--and that was the worst fate for him, the hunter, he who was darkness. The chasm before him offered some semblance of life, a chance for momentary power once more. He stepped closer to the whole, willing himself to appear more approachable, his aura of menace dimming.

Dong. Another tolling of the bell blasted a fist-sized chunk of rock out of the barrier behind us, sending it flying in our direction. We ducked for cover, not out of fear of the rock, but of the light. It blasted forth from the whole like a lance, searing the tunnel above our heads.

I continued my chant.

"To keep my close and guard me well--"

Adrian turned and ran, the light wreathing the ceiling like flames overcoming his inborn repulsion for what he was about to do. He dived into the twisting maelstrom below him, tossed about by the violent emotions and base needs of the subconcious, hiding there until he could surface in the waking world, a pathetic reflection of his former self. No longer would he walk the mind of the creator, his dominion unchallenged. He would now have to compete against that which sought us now, and would be brushed aside with a thought. He would not survive there for long. Only Lauren or one like her would be able to exist there, but never with the power she held now.

"To rise again, this tale retell--"

"Adriaaaan!" Lauren screamed, the remnants of her world shattering, and with it her hold on the creator. With a final toll of the bell, the light poured in, a malicious, living thing, devouring us whole. We dissipated, drifting away in those moments when the mind grabs hold of fleeting dreams, trying desperately to hold on--

The creator's consiousness returned, and with it, our demise.

May the dreams rise again.

 

That was great, some of the best writing I've ever seen, but it seemed more like an intro than a short story... *hint, hint*

 

Very good story. The intro was a bit slow but it started picking up. Very detailed which I appreciated. Ending is a bit weird though (couldn't make sense of it).

You need to work on the rhyth of the story though. When I was reading I got a stop-go-stop feeling. Overall though, it was original and very good to read.

 

Mission accomplished! I wasn't sure what was going on until the last line - and then it all snapped into place. And then I had to re-read the whole thing again.

Well done.

 

Thanks to everyone who commented! I wasn't really planning on a second installment Morningstar, but why not? Here's what I have so far...it's not much, but hopefully it'll keep you till I have time to write more.

@Human
SPOILER (from the original post)
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Here's quick synopsis of what happened:
Adrian, Aros, and Lauren are all dreams. Adrian is a nightmare and Lauren is a dream of happiness and love. The tolling of the bell is the tolling of the creator's (Erik--he's the one dreaming) alarm clock as it goes off in the morning and he begins to awaken. Consciousness is what is coming for them, and it will hit Adrian the hardest because although Erik will try to retain his vision of Lauren once he is awake, he will brush away the fears of the night (Adrian) by the light of day. Therefore, Adrain decided to dive into the chasm (Erik's subconsious) where he will hide until he can re-emerge as a daydream. Finally, consciousness returns, and the dreams dissipate. Read through it again with that in mind and tell me if it makes more sense.
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END SPOILER


Anyway, here's what I have so far:

Part II

Adrian crashed into the walls of the chasm, tossed back and forth with the terrifying ease of a hurricane bending an entire coast to its will. He shielded himself as well as he could, the darkness and terror that he was created of allowing him to withstand the battering somewhat. The ground rushed up to meet him, its rocky face speaking to him of his imminent destruction, and Adrian smashed into the chasm floor, a broken creature. The winds of this place howled about him, shrieking in fury at the intrusion.

Adrian simply lay where he was, unable to move. He could feel his ribs poking out from beneath his veil of darkness, tearing his skin more with every breath. He almost laughed, but the stabbing pain in his side made him reconsider, and he contented himself with a muted cough instead. This corporeal form was not something he was accustomed to--above, in his reality, the only injuries he knew were those he inflicted on others. But here...Adrian calmed himself, slowing his breathing so the pain wouldn't be a distraction. Experimentally, he focused his will, commanding his hand to shift form, imagining it as a massive, club shaped extension. Slowly, ever so slowly, his arm melded and flowed, elongating and becoming larger, more deadly. So. He did retain some of his power--but it obeyed slowly, as if it were held back by the conflicting desires of this place.

Another ripple of agony from his side drew his attention back to his nearly useless body. He had to do something about his lack of mobility, and quickly. Already he could feel the attention of the masters of this place--they were questing out, sensing a disturbance. He was not one of their tame creatures, and they would come for him soon--he would rather they not find him like this. Adrian shifted his focus, this time concentrating on his entire body instead of just his hand and arm. His power came to him, but he had to scrabble for every bit--it was like trudging through thick, sucking mud when he was accustomed to flying. Finally, his reality began to change once more, and his body slowly faded into insubstantiality. His weight gone, he floated upward, finally able to look about. He was a wraith, his broken body no longer a hindrance, although he would have to spend some time healing himself before he next shifted to corporeal form.

He glanced upwards, something about the striated sky above catching his attention. A deep red mist flowed through the sky, tendrils sprouting and retracting in a moment, twisting lazily through the air. The mist was interesting, true, but it was something else...there! Birdlike creatures flew through the air, a thousand conflicting desires, whims crying out to be fulfilled instantly. And yet, where the red mist touched the birds...they simply ceased to exist. They were swept away, gone as if they had never been...

Adrian shuddered and turnd away. He needed to find a shelter of some sort, where he could heal and gather his strength. He floated above the ground, searching for some opening in the sheer walls that rose to unseen heights on either side of him, their tops lost in the sky above. He sought about aimlessly, expending a good deal of his energy merely to stay on course, as the wind proved an even greater obstacle to him in this form than it had while he was more substantial.

He felt something then, a rumbling under his feet, rolling down the tunnel like a flash flood at first thaw. He had still not found a decent shelter, but off to his right-hand side lay a crevass, nothing more than a thin slit in the rock that was his prison--but it was enough for now. He became thinner, sliding inch by inch into the crack. The rumbling grew louder, working stones free of the walls and sending them crashing down about him, a few passing right through him to no effect. Desperation made him work faster, moving deeper into the rock face despite the pain, squeezing himself in because he didn't have time to finish altering his form.

Seconds later, the cause of the disturbance came bursting around the corner. A colossal beetle came into view, its glittering black carapace reflecting the weird colors of the sky above in a dark rainbow hue. Jaws as long as Adrian was tall opened and closed, tearing gashes in the wall above him and sending chips of stone showering down about him. The creature emitted a loud chittering sound, its wings vibrating back and forth rapidly as it cast its head about, searching for something. Adrian shrank back, aware that it was a distinct possibility that it was searching for him. The beetle tore a chunk of stone free of the wall and swallowed it with a grating sound, never ceasing in its inspection of the area about it.

It lowered its head towards the crevass that Adrian was hiding in, its multifaceted eyes reflecting hunger of every form, a million different images flashing and replaced before they could be fully comprehended, lodging somewhere in a place below the waking mind. The monster tore another gash in the wall, taking a small chunk of Adrian's arm with it.

He stifled a yell of pain, knowing that to draw any attention to him now would mean his death. He willed himself to become less substantial, a nothing, non-threatening, not appetizing--although he wasn't sure how much good it would do, considering how easily that thing, that hunger, had just taken a bite out of his supposedly incorporeal arm.

The beetle stared into the crevass for a moment more before turning away, its own insatiable appetite driving it. It leaped into the air, flying upwards and pausing only long enough to tear one of the bird-whims from the sky, swallowing it whole. Then it was gone, raising higher into the mist in search of a more substantial meal.

Adrian heaved a sigh of relief and continued to edge himself deeper into his shelter. He hated this, this weakness. He was unaccustomed to facing fear, and the encounter with one of the masters of this place had deeply unsettled him, serving only to emphasize his impotence. He needed help--but first, he needed to heal. Adrian wrapped his darkness about him like a cloak, the terrors held within comforting him somewhat, and he slept.

[ January 19, 2004, 03:27: Message edited by: ashen_rumble ]

 

Well, you can't stop now!