In what situation would you commit suicide.

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My light isn't dying though, it's dead. And I've raged all I can now. I just don't have the energy anymore. Nor anything left to rage about.

 

‘Now Theoden son of Thengel, will you hearken me? Said Gandalf. ‘Do you ask for help?’ He lifted his staff and pointed it to a high window. There the darkness seemed to clear, and through the opening could be seen, high and far, a patch of shining sky. ‘Not all is dark. Take courage Lord of the Mark; for better help you will not find. No council have I to give to those that despair. Yet counsel I could give, and words I could speak to you. Will you hear them? I bid you come out before your doors and look abroad. To long have you sat in shadows and trusted to twisted tales and crooked promptings.’

J.R.R Tolkien

 

*hugs Aldazar*

Don't let the bastards grind you down.

 

Yeah. Don't. Show them that you are stronger than them, no matter what crap they pour over you, you will prevail and you will be the one, who shows the middle finger in the end.

You can beat me, you can bend me, but you can never break my spirit and I will stand up again.

If you think that you don't have nothing to live for, then you have this. Be the last one laughing.

I am.

 

The person that laughs last is the slowest one right?

 

No. S/he's the person, who won.

 

Well said Valkyrie! Don't let other people drag you down.

 

For all of you who've said, tried, thought about, or want to commit suicide: DON'T . I get scared when people do that. Don't kill yourself, please! I love (sisterly) you all!

 

I do appreciate it guys, it's just so damned hard to hold on. I always thought I'd be strong enough not to even think of suicide but I guess I was just shutting out the negative thoughts and refusing to acknowledge them rather than recognise and deal with them. Maybe I'm just weak though. The funny thing is, I guess, that in my involvement with Dads In Distress, I've helped talk more than a few guys down from suicide but now that I'm faced with recent developments I have trouble talking myself down. Mind you, I have been right on the brink lately and had the pills out and all. BTW, a weird thoght occurred to me a few days ago. According to Douglas Adams the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42 right? Well, in my weirdness I figured out that with a bit of basic maths and stretch of the imagination the answer by this reasoning is a noose. Look at it this way, 4 + 2 is 6 (obviously) and to me the number 6 looks decidedly like a noose!
Anyway, I'm trying very hard to refute this to myself and I appreciate the support guys.

* hugs to all *

 

Aldazar, I'm about to lose my family, too, and I know what you're feeling -- I figured that if I couldn't live with the people I love more than anything, I might as well bail. I thought of a few scenarios wherein whoever found me would not be too traumatized. But then I thought of my kids a few years down the road -- it would hurt them too much, even if they didnt understand now. You'll meet your boy in a few years -- he'll be a man -- don't screw him and yourself out of that chance.

 

*hugs LKD and Aldazar*

I could babble on innescantly about this but yet to say anything of value, so I am just telling you to hang in there...

 

The thing is, he is the MOST important thing to me in the entire world and his mother is poisoning him against me. It also makes it hard when I don't have the opportunity to spend time with him so he can make up his own mind about me.
I mean, we were having Access visits for ages there and we were really getting somewhere with our relationship but now I haven't seen him for 5 months and with Father's Day having just been here....well, let's just say that I felt like I had dehydrated myself from crying so much. What makes it worse is that as well as the four and a half years I missed from when he was 3 months old and she walked out and the year or so that has seemingly just been flushed down the gurgler, she married about 2 years ago and MY son is now calling HIM dad! Fair enough that's the situation he's in and it's a natural thing to call this guy dad, I guess in reality the guy IS my son's dad - being the guy who is now raising him - and I'm "just" his father. Part of me still hates it though and it always tears me up inside to hear my son calling another guy dad. I know what it's like growing up without a father though so I truly do understand and I'm happy for him that he has a constsnt male role model. It's just so ******* hard!! Maybe I'm just weak.

 

@Aldazar: Love isn't weakness, it's strength - especially overwhelming love in the face of overwhelming adversity. Weakness would be giving up.

{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}

Keep us posted. I'm wishing the best for you.

 

Thanks Rallymama, by being weak, I meant in not being able to hang on. In the face of everything, in a second's notice I would gladly die for my son and I've just been feeling lately that maybe THAT is what's in his best interest. His mother, as I said, is poisoning him against me and refusing contact so I feel that maybe it's best for him that I not be around to interfere in their happy life. I mean, with all the stuff she'd be filling his head with, by the time he gets around to finding me there will probably be no way to break through the lies. I think that at the very least I should just walk away for good. Anyway, I have another phone contact scheduled tonight so we'll see what happens then I guess. Thanks again guys.

*** hugs to all ***

 

I don't think that if he comes to see you will be just to mock you and not hear what you have to say. Most propably he will come to see for himself and there my friend you can win the game. And remember lies are shadows that can never stand the power of truth (light). Suicide is not a solution, this action will help his mother say to your son "see what worthless father you had the A******** killed himself because he could not face his problems like a real man" . Now you tell me what impression your son would get

 

At the possiblity of offending everyone I feel I should point out something I first said to a firend of mine at school.

You don't live for other people, sure having other loves and friendships is really great the first consideration on weather life is worth living should not be weather other people approve of you but rather what you would like to do with your life. Given time and effort all problems can be resolved but until the time to meet your son comes it would probably be a good idea to attend to the issues you've probably been neglecting.

 

You know this already, I'm sure, but the way to win your son's affection is to make sure his mother's dirty little head-games are COMPLETELY one-sided. Be no worse than neutral when speaking about her to him, and eventually he'll see where the real love is coming from.

 

Well, the phone contact last night went much as I expected, although the difference was that I got to talk to him for about a minute or two, but she almost immediately got on the phone and said "He doesn't want to talk to you, I'm hanging up now" and then hung up on me.
And, yeah, I have been keeping completely out of the mud-slinging side of things. Except for one occasion about 3 years ago where she just kept pushing my buttons and I ended up swearing my head off at her. That's one thing I learned early in life - throwing insults gets you nowhere good. So these days I simply ignore them, usually they sink in a bit and drag me down some but that's life. The unfortunate side effect is that I've got about 22 years worth of rage inside with not much of a way of venting except for using it to fuel my determination. Sorry if this all isn't making much sense but I'm still feeling like crap right now, the only light I've had is that brief exchange with my son on the phone last night.

 

Especially @ Death Rabbit, but generally.

I believe that the best thing to do is talk about problems, with loved ones and others with experience. Hang in there buys, it hurts but you may well work out a solution.

I agree with the feelings and analysis that Death Rabbit describes because I did too. My main problem being a poor social communicator (at the time, I think I am wiser and more capable now since I have doubled in age...) I was frightened to speak to absolutely anyone about my feelings. Also wallowing in self pity and self loathing just exaverbated the problems. I even became anorexic! Because mainly nervousness and lack of self confidence.

Now I see some of my students going through the motions of poor self esteem and self loathing, because they are constantly being rubbished by others, even (or especially!) from those that are supposed to be their closest loved ones.

One of my students does physically dangerous things as a reaction to continual social and mental abuse from previous schooling. I hope that I can be there for him if he needs to talk.

And this is my point. Men (and boys) are generally not taught how to communicate their feeling and problems (because it is girly or sissy to do so). Men need to talk and should do so often.

Talk about problems, reflect over issues (even with the wisdom of hindsight) and search for sensible and useful solutions to problems. Life has its ups and downs and we need to work together to make the downs less down.

Don't know if I can actually be of major help, but my ears and heart are open if they are called upon. I'm a good listening board and I've had to help out and cousel not just students but friends going through divorce.

All the best, because together with loved ones you can make it.

 

The main problem I have with talking about my problems with people is that I somehow manage to convince myself that everyone else has their own problems and don't need to listen to me ***** about small things. Plus I have trouble dropping the facade Ive built up based on the John Wayne Theory. I can't even drop it around my family very much.
Maybe it's just that I haven't dealt with past problems very well and therefore I internalise everything.