Having children with sex offenders

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Thinking about Shell's thread has led me to wonder what makes people want to have children with sex offenders or more and more children with bullies.

Personally, I don't know a single story of a sex offender becoming a good husband and father or a good wife and mother. Perhaps a former prostitute could but that would be it and being a prostitute isn't normally a crime, just in some places.

I can't recall any story of a bully suddenly starting to care about the spouse (or partner) and/or children and becoming responsible.

Blind love? Ermm... people who love can see some wonderful things in those who are universally loathed and even serial murderers have mothers who love them. But don't people love their children or future children?

So what is it? The thrill of it? The joy of flipping out? A kind of rebellion? What do you think?

Also, if you actually happen to know any real case of a sex offender or bully becoming a good spouse and parent, do share.

 

I can't think of any examples of a sex offender becoming a good father, husband, wife, mother either, but that may be more to do with media portrayal than the truth.

Maybe it's just how I was brought up, but the idea of labelling someone as unable to change, or to be a good husband or wife or parent seems fundamentally wrong.

 

It does. I don't want to deal with a preclusion but rather a 99% probability. They may change. Everyone can at any stage of life, but sometimes the probability is very small. As we've had quite a lot of sex offenders and still haven't heard of much improvement in their family lives, I believe it's extremely irresponsible to have children with one of them.

Now that I have thought more about it, I recall a woman asking for advice when her brother converted to Christianity and turned himself in for a couple of rapes. I suppose if someone resents his past actions so much that he turns himself in to the police, there's a chance he never reoffends. But that's just one.

 

I really don't see how any woman could even consider being friends with a sex offender, never mind having children with one. A parents most important duty is to protect their children, no matter what.

 

I'd bet that in most cases, "I'm a sex offender" doesn't come up until after the friendship is fairly well established.

But that's just a WAG.

 

Chev: Unless you've been in a abusive relationship you will never understand (hopefully, you never will). Sex related offenses are usually about control, as are abusive relationships. Once the abuser obtains control it is very difficult to break that control.

 

Damn right... I know how hard it is to get out sometimes but it seems to me that one wants out and it takes a lot of opportunism to stay... I mean, can't feel blameless and all. I suppose the couple from Shell's example is a special case, not just one of only poor discipline and willpower, but all the getting back together after abuse looks sort of sheepish. Then again, if he manages to guilt her into believing she's at fault for the beating (it hurts me more than it does you yadda yadda)... I suppose it has to start from shattering one's self-esteem or it won't work.

Edit:

If we consider such stories, the stigma is sometimes not really merited and the case overblown. Perhaps generalising wasn't such a good idea. But real child molesters and or/violent criminals in this particular area of crime don't make a great spouse and parent material.

[ January 17, 2006, 04:20: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Well, I don't have an explanation for sex offenders, but I have read some stuff about the "bullies" you mention. It was actually given as an evolutionary reason. That the "bullies" (they were actually called "agressive males" in the article) were better providers for their families due to bullying tendencies, and so a woman choosing an aggresive male as a partner was a means of ensuring a greater survival rate for her children.

 

Well, children to get a better survival training with an abusive father. Sometimes I even think that perhaps the harsh discipline and sever punishment from olden times wasn't actually so bad. Especially when I see people raised without punishment or prohibition. But what with the fact that bullies often end up living off their wives' salaries, being unemployed and addicted to alcohol, not only not providing for the family but actually making it difficult for the woman to provide?

 

Now that was a rather stereotypical view of the abusive husband -- and a rather inaccurate one at that. Most abusers are control freaks and are certainly not satisfied with "living off their wive's salaries." I don't know where you get your facts, but most abusers are hard working, contributing members of society.

They look for women they can control. Once control is established it is nearly impossible to break. A good analogy is the Stockholm Syndrome (except the control and attachment is programmed over months or years instead of just days) -- the abused spouse and children are fiercely loyal to their abuser until they finally get to the breaking point, which may never happen.

The bully and sex offender is just an extension of the abuser.

 

I was thinking about the "heavy duty" abusers. The kind that beats wife and children, can't have a normal discussion in a disagreement, is always drunk, sometimes forces sexual favours, molests children etc. So yeah, the standard bully sterotype.

As for control freaks or people who need to have things their own strange way and won't compromise, those can reform and I've seen examples of that. But I've never heard of a recovering wife beater, wife rapist, child molester, that kind of abuser.

 

So was I. You can't identify a "heavy duty" abuser by just looking at them.

 

Correct, but what is your definition of an abuser, then? What does he do, in what circumstances?

My idea was a child molester who's also a bully and I think it's extremely unwise to have children with them.