So, two guys walk into a bar....

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Here's my attempt, though it's one that you may have to say out loud to really get:

Okay, a piece of road walks into a bar and says to the barman "I'm a piece of Highway and I'm hard buddy so give me a beer or I'll break your nose!" The barman is a bit worried so he does as he's told and the piece of highway goes and sits at a table looking pretty rough and hard.

5 mintues later another piece of road walks in and abuses the barman "Look buddy, I don't want any stick from you, I'm a piece of Freeway and I'm so tough that if you don't give me a beer right now I'll rip your damn head off!" The barman is really freaked out so he rushes the order and watches the Freeway go and sit with the Highway and look threateningly at all the other patrons.

5 minutes later another piece of road walks and and politely says to the barman "If it's not too much trouble sir, I'd like a bottle of your finest beer" and the barman, expecting more abuse, is shocked but happy to be able to do his job without further abuse. After getting his beer the third piece of road moves to the far end of the bar. The barman looks over at the table to see the Highway and Freeway cowering under the table so he goes over to them. "I thought you guys were supposed to be tough and all that, yet here you are hiding under the table from that guy, what's the deal?" So the Freeway stutters out "D-d-don't you know? That guys a cycle-path!"

 

I was sitting in a bar as 2 ducks walk in. The first one walks up to me and says: "I've got a job for you!" Then the second one pulls out a gun and shoots the first duck. Then he looks at me and says: "You’re fired!"

 

A guy walks into a war, smash his hand on the counter and screams to the bartender

"You're going to give me a beer since I have got the biggest cock in the world"

People are starting to look so the bartender gives him the beer just to calm him down.

The next day it all happens again. He starts shouting about how big his cock is and that he therefore deserves a beer and once again he gets one.

The day that follows is no different. The guy come in and starts making demands. But this time the bartender doesn't care who's whatching

"Well, if you got this gigantic cock show it. Show it and I give you your beer"

He smiles and put down his right hand in his pants. Rummage around a bit and then he pulls up a turtle and screams.

"What the ****! I've got crabs!"


Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes. I just translated it from Swedish

 

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“My own miniature piano player. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, and I got him.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

[ April 28, 2004, 06:15: Message edited by: Jaguar ]

 

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "give me five shots of tequilla." The bartender says "why do you want five shots of tequilla?" The man says "if you had what I have you'd want five shots too." So the bartender pours out the five shots and the man drinks them all quickly. The bartender then asks "By the way what exactly do you have?" The man replies "25 cents"

 

So this hydrogen atom walks into a bar and said "I think I left an electron here last night."
The bartender replied "Are you positive?"

Lame, I know. Shut up.

 

I man walks into a bar and asks for 5 shots of tequilla.

The bar man asks him why he wants so many, and the man tells him that he's celebrating his first blowjob.

The bar man says "Congratulations, let me buy you one more"

The man replies "No thank you, if 5 shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will"

 

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. The bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, but I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."

 

Two jump leads walk into a bar,
the barman says, "I'll serve you if you don't start anything!"

 

Okay, attempt two, probably not that good either since SOMEONE posted the horse/long face one before I thought to

Three pieces of string walk into a bar and take a table. They're chatting for a while and they decide to get some drinks, so one goes to the barman and asks for three beers, but the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve string in here".

So after a couple of minutes the second piece of string tries but to no avail. Anyway, after about 10 minutes of sulking, the third piece gets an idea. He bends himself around the middle and messes up his hair a bit, then walks up to the barman and asks for three beers. The barman gets about as far as "I told your friends we don't" before looking up and getting puzzled. Then the barman asks "Hey, aren't you a piece of string?" To which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot" (boom boom!)

 

The Beerlords Prayer...

Our beer, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, at home as it is in public.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine tasting, and deliver us from DUI's for mine is the barley, the hops and the malt, forever and ever;

BARMEN


number 2...

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The barkeep was so sure that he was the strongest man around that there was a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the barkeep would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided barkeep said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the barkeep handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

 

Ha ha oh man that one was great! Okay here is one for you! A man walkes into a bar because he's an alcoholic and his name is Teekc!

 

So, this barman is cleaning his bar when a flea jumps up on the bar and asks for a six-pack. A bit surprised but keeping cool he asks if the flea has money so the flea puts a tenner on the bar. The barman goes and gets a six-pack for the flea and gives him his change, then watches as the flea jumps off the bar and hops across the floor, up onto a window sill and out the window. A second later there's a huge crash so the barman races over to the window to find out what happened. He leans out the window to see the flea in a pool of beer and broken glass.
"What happened?" asks the barman, and the flea replies "Some idiot stole my damn dog!"

 

What's the IRS? And what's a teekc? Sorry for not understanding some parts of western culture...

 

IRS stands for Internal Revenue Services. The guy in Mystra's joke was a tax collector.

Teekc, if I got the joke. He is one of the member here in SP. Sleepless is just making fun of him.

 

LOL!!!!
Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at you ywpark89; but that's gotta be the funniest thing anyone's said in this entire thread... ...and all the funnier because you're dead serious!

And nior's correct. teekc is indeed a member here; you might recognize him in that it was him who started this thread...

 

Oops... my eyes have betrayed me! Shame on them, and on me for not seeing their betrayal. Now I will take 3 days to punish my eyes and reevaluate my life.

Sorry, teekc...

Plus, now that I think about it, I can't BELIEVE that I actually said that. Maybe I was drowsy. Or drunk. Or under the effects of crack, opium, whatever.

 

Renee Descartes (spelling?) walks into a bar and has a drink. The bartender asks him, "Will you have another beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and promptly disappears.

 

i really don't mind if people don't recognise me since i enjoyed to be a little rock beside a road.

But this

Since when i become an element of western culture? As a pro-Islam Malaysian with Chinese heritage... i think i need to get my heart attack pills. But anyway you did make a better joke than SleepleSS.