Jokes! (following teekc's bar-jokes thread)

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Don't get that one.

 

Have to be from the US to get it probaly. There is/was a TV character called Smokey the Bear, and he used to say that "You and only you can prevent forest fires".

 

2 classics:

Q: Whats curved, yellow and looks like a banana?
A: A banana

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick

 

One day there was a guy. Tired of not understanding his female colegues. He wished he could be one of them.


So he turned Gay.

 

A man with an alligator walks into a small restaurant. He asks the waiter: "do you serve Gothenburgers here?" The waiter replies: "of course we do." The man then says: "Good. Give me a chicken soup, and a tender Gothenburger to my alligator"

 

Wanna hear a clean joke? Jimmy took a bath with bubbles!
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door!
~~~~~~~~~~~

So a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are driving a car through the desert when their car breaks down. They get out and decide they should each take one thing while they walk to the next service station. The brunette and redhead each pick something and start walking and leave the blonde ondering at the car. The redhead turns the brunette and asks, "What did you bring?"

The brunette replies, "I brought our basket of food in case we get hungry, what did you bring?"

Redhead: "I brought our jug of water in case we get thirsty!"

The two, satisfied, keep walking until they hear an odd scraping behind them. They turn around to see the blonde with her item.

Brunette: "What did you bring?"

Blonde: "I've got the car door!"

Redhead: "Why?"

Blonde: "If we get hot we can roll down the window!"
~~~~~~~

A blonde is walking along a road that is parallel to some railroad tracks when she sees a brunette skipping along the tracks singing, "21! 21! 21!"

The blonde thinks its a game and joins in, singing, "21! 21! 21!"

Eventually the brunette hears a train coming and jumps off the tracks and into some bushes, the blonde, preoccupied with the game, gets run over...

The brunette gets back on the tracks and starts singing, "22! 22! 22!"

 

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

---

now that one is fcukin' funny! lol

 

Morsmordre, that was hilarious!

 

This one's a pretty much salvaged story with different versions. Anyway, you might enjoy it, so...

A pregnant woman figures in an automobile accident that left her in a coma for 4 months. When she woke up, she realized that she wasn't pregnant anymore and called for the doctor. The doctor told her that the baby was fine, in fact, she had twins... a boy and a girl. Also, that her brother came to name the babies for her. The first thing that came to her mind was: "Oh no! Not my brother, he's an indiot." But collecting herself and expecting the worse, she asked the doctor for the baby girl's name. The doctor says "Denise". And she thinks to herself: "Denise. That's a nice name, I like it. Looks like I was wrong about my brother after all." And she asked for the baby boy's name. And the doctor replied: "Denephew".

 

This is a story of true love.

Once upon a time there were a pair of childhood sweethearts. They were playmates as toddlers, best friends in elementary school, and were a steady couple all through high school. They even managed to stay true to each other through college even though they went to different universities.

Upon graduation they were to be married. Of course as luck would have it, the day before their wedding they were both in a tragic car accident and perished.

They were met by Saint Peter and welcomed into heaven. Upon hearing their story Peter arranged a meeting with the Almighty himself. God was so impressed by their love he asked them if there was anything he could do. They responded "All we ever wanted to do was get married, and we were never able to. Would it be O.K. if we got married in heaven?"

God thought about it and said "Let me get back to you".

The happy couple then went off to the cloud they were assigned and proceeded to wait.

After 250 years they still hadn't heard anything so they petitioned to speak to God again. He responded by saying he was working on it.

Another 500 years went by and they still hadn't heard from the Almighty so they sent him another note. He responded by saying he was working on it.

Then 250 years later they were summoned in front of God in which he announced that everything was all set. It was the most glorious wedding of all time. The angels sang, all of heaven danced and rejoiced.

Well as luck would have it a month later the happy couple wasn't happy anymore and went before God and requested a divorce.

God in great disappointment put his head in hands and moaned "You have got to be kidding me. It took me a thousand years to find a priest up here and now you want me to find a lawyer!"

 

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"

And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments.

And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

 

Gee PacMan, looking at my own body I would say the Devil is indeed winning.

 

Purported to be the funniest joke in the world according to a survey done a year or two ago, albeit probably a bit condensed:

Two guys were out hunting one day when suddenly one of them fell to the ground screaming.
As the guy's buddy asked what had happened, they both saw a dark-coloured snake slithering off into the bushes so the buddy rang Emergency.
Operator: "what is your emergency?"
Man: "My buddy just got bitten by a snake and...oh God, it looks like he's dead!"
Operator: "Well, before anything else, just check to make sure he's dead"
Man: "Okay, hang on"
Pause....then a gunshot is heard
Man: "Yep, he's dead now. What next?"


And one I read just yesterday:
A Zen Master is walking along the streets of New Yorkl when he spots a Hot Dog vendor. He walks up to the vendor and says "make me one with everything"

 

Pacman, I know a nerdier version of the creation

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said:

c>Let there be light!
Enter user id.
c>God
Enter password.
c>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c>Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c>Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c>Create light
Done
c>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c>Create firmament
Done.
c>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c>Create dry_land
Done.
c>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c>Create fish
Done
c>Create fowl
Done
c>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c>Create cattle
Done
c>Create creepy_things
Done
c>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c>Create man
Done
c>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c>Insert breath
Done
c>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c>Create Garden.edn
Done
c>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c>Copy woman from man
Done
c>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c>Create desire
Done
c>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c>Create freewill
Done
c>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
>Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c>Create good, evil
Done
c>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 error.
c>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c>Break
c>Break
c>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN
FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

 

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.