Post Your Jokes Here!

a pun, what a start tal

okay, here's mine:


A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."
Arriba!!!!

 

Not bad. Could see it coming a mile off though.

 

Nice one....

@ Barmy Army
You tell a better one..

 

i dont really find jokes funny unless its offensive to someone somewhere... so, i cant really post mine in here

 

Ok, I have one for you all:

Two priests died at the same time and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, until a computer tech dies, and actually comes to heaven...but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Canada."

 

Yeah, it was pretty ptrdictable.. but it was the only one I had on hand at the time

I also kinda saw kitrax's one coming too.. try this one, I like this one

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament
"Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison."

Love, Dad


Shortly, the old man received this telegram, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was, "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you at this time."

 

I know lots of jokes but they are funny in spanish...

 

Its the same with Irish jokes Sydax.

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on
hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on
the first evening.

The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of
Miller said, "The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!"

The president of Budweiser asked for "The King of Beers, make it a
Bud!".

Adolph Coors requested a "From mountain spring water, the clearest
beer, a Coors if you don't mind."

And so it went around the large table, each president asking for
the brew from his own company as if it was the best.

Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.

"And you sir?" he queried.

"I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply.

"A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked.

"Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?"

Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions.
"Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!"

 

A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest and a rabbi are in a boat fishing in a lake. At some point, though, the Orthodox priest rises and says to the fellows:
"Well, brethren, I have business to go. May the Lord be with you," he says, gestures to the shore, mutters a short prayer and, fish and rod in hands, calmly walks away on the water.
The other two watch him, stunned. However, soon afterwards the Catholic composes himself, takes the fish that he has caught and the fishing rod, and excuses himself to the rabbi, saying that he has to go too. He mutters a short prayer too, steps outside the boat and goes to the shore.
The rabbi is smitten. However, he eventually calms down and thinks "Well, if they can do it, so should I." He says a prayer, composes himself, steps outside of the boat - and starts drowning and shouting for help.
The two priests, who have meanwhile caught with each other, look back alarmed. Flustered, the Orthodox priest asks:
"Wait, don't tell me you didn't show him the underwater stones?"

 

Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy
hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that the shots were so bad that they'd just meet up at the
hole.

So the first guy looks and looks and finally finds his ball sitting
down
deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups.

He promptly pulls out his 7 iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups
are
flying everywhere but the ball won't come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature gets mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man "I've created this
beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all,
now
they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are
Buttercups
your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year".

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find
so funny?"

The man looked up and said "My buddy is over on the other side in the
*****willows."

 

You know, that censor thing is going to ruin some good jokes.

 

Haha. Enagonios, that was the best in a while.

I don't remember jokes original and intelligent enough to compare with any of the stuff here. But I can translate a rather classical "dumb humour" joke out of my memory in a hopefully working fashion. I did hear this in Finnish afterall, some 10 years ago, so it will *not* be in the original format.

A Finnish, a Swedish and a Norwegian are sitting in a park. After discussing this and that for a while, they start fighting over which one of them owns the largest "thing" in size.

The Norwegian goes first:
"I own a helmet big enough to hold a big city inside!"

The Swedish responds:
"Bah, that's nothing! I have a handkerchief big enough for you to set all the military weapons in the world on it."

After a while the Finnish says:
"In my house I have a pet lion that uses that helmet to s**t in, and the handkerchief to wipe his butt when he's done."

 

In Argentina, we all call spaniard "gallegos" and they have lack of intelligence; BUT, gallegos are people from Galicia and they are very intelligent people, so, when I moved here, I found out that there is a town called Lepe where people really lacs INT; so, here is a joke made by spaniard people about those poor guys:
France and England's authorities get together to contract a company to build a tunnel between the 2 countries; so they get a list with 7 companies offering their proposal and in the list there were this 2 spanish guys company: Paco y Pedro: Tunnelists by hand, only for 1000 U$S; of course authorities laughed and they decided to call them just to make a joke out of them; they all met and the president asks to Paco and Pedro: "So, what equipping do you have?" Pedro says: "2 shovels and 2 picks, one for each other"; "so you are the only 2 workes?" asked the president; "yes, we are"; the authorities were almost laughing their arsess off and then ask to Pedro and Pablo again: "so how you will build the tunnel?"; "well, Pedro starts in France, I start in England and then we met at the middle and you have your tunnel"; laughing out loud the president asks: "what happen if you two miss the middle point?" Pedro and Pablo look each other, talk eachother secretly and finally Pedro says: "well, you will have 2 tunnels at the price of one".
In spanish is funny. Hehe

 

Heard this one years ago, and it still has the same reaction on people.

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A little boy and a little girl were playing in the sandbox at the park. The little girl looked down the little boy's pants and asked, "What's that?"

To which the little boy responded "I dunno." So the little boy looked down the little girl's pants and asked, "Well what's that?"

"I dunno." replied the little girl. So they both went off to their seperate homes.

The little girl went to her mother and asked, "Mommy, what's this?"

The mother looked at her daughter very seriously and said, "Honey, that is your garage, and you never, ever want to let any cars park in there.

"Oh. Okay." said the little girl as she walked away.

At the little boy's house, the little boy asked his father a similar question. "Daddy, what's this?"

To which the father responded with a knowing chuckle, "Now son, that is your car, and you want to park that in as many garages as you can."

"Oh. Okay." said the little boy as he walked away.

The next day the little boy and the little girl were at the park playing in the sandbox again. After a little while, the girl came running home screaming, "Mommy mommy!"

The mother rushed out of the house and grabbed her daughter, "What is it honey? What's wrong?"

"A little boy at the park tried to park his car in my garage and I ripped of his two rear wheels!"

--------------------------------------------------

Everytime I tell that joke, every guy listening cringes and crosses his legs.

 

Rear wheels? We have front wheels?! Is there something my daddy didn't teach me about my car?

 

i like the beer joke, that's a good one

the others were good too but I'd heard variations of them at one time or another already...

here's one, im writing from memory though so it may not be as good as the original...

2 friends, mark and mike are always stealing from an old man's fruit garden. one day, the old man finally catches up to them and is about to blow them away with his shotgun when he reconsiders and tells them: "each of you go into my fruit garden and come back with 10 fruits of 1 kind and come back here, then we'll talk."

Relieved, the friends go back to pick their fruits. The first to get back is mike, holding 10 grapes in his hands. The old man tells him, "okay kid, if you can stick those 10 grapes up your ass without laughing, I'll let you live. Otherwise, I'll blow your head of."

Mike starts sticking the grapes up his ass one after the other. On his 10th grape, mike turns back to the garden entrance and starts laughing.

The old man shoots him dead and mike's spirit floats up to heaven where St. Peter says to him, "Mike, you only had 1 grape to go! Why did you laugh?"
Mike replies "I'm sorry St. Peter, but I couldn't help it. When I turned towards the fruit garden, I saw mark coming back with 10 melons."

 

Heard it from my brother.

A duck walks into a bar, asks the bartender, "Gotcorn?". He replies casually, "No I ain't got corn". "Oh!" says the duck, and walks out.

Five minuts later the duck returns. "Gotcorn?". "No I already told you, I've ain't got corn", the bartender replies, slightly annoyed. "Oh!", says the duck and walks out.

Five minnuts later, the same thing, "Gotcorn?", and the bartender replies, "I'VE AIN'T GOT CORN AND IF YOU ASK FOR IT ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!!!". "Oh!" says the duck and walks out.

It returns however within the same timeframe. "Gotnails?", "NO!!", "Gotcorn?".

 

Deary me, guys! Am I gonna be forced to hi-jack this thread or what?

 

Please do Barmy