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How do you get a one-armed blond out of a tree?


Shoot her in the face.


I have friends with odd senses of humor.

 

2000 years ago - somewhere in palestine

a village crowd is about to stone a young woman to death because of adultery. just before the first stone is thrown jesus appears.
he stands up to the crowd protecting the woman. with a scornful voice he adresses the crowd : he who is without sin shall cast the first stone !

the crowd goes silent. nobody moves anymore. suddenly - from the back rows - a really huge rock, five pounds or more, comes a flying , hits the infidel woman at her head. the woman falls over, dies.

jesus looks at who threw the rock. when he discovers who it was, his face turns red with embarassment : mommy, sometimes you really *are* a nuisance.

 

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Brisbane and tell her,' and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
anything, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.'

 

My brother told me this one:

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender says: Hey, do you know you have a stearing wheel stuck to your croch?

The pirate replies:

Yeah arr......... It's driving me nuts.

 

1.) What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing--he can't come when you call him.

2.) What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
"Hop in."

 

The pearly Gates. 10 beautiful women are standing in front of St.Peter and want to get to heaven. St.Peter then asks 'Which of you have ever cheated on your husband take one step forward.' 9 of the 10 women take one step forward. 'All of you to hell' says Peter and all of them go down to hell except for 1. Then as Peter wants to open the gates he waits for a moment, looks at the last woman and says 'Oops allmost forgot-the daef one too'.

Edit: None taken

[ January 02, 2005, 19:24: Message edited by: {OverLoad} ]

 

No offence, but please leave a space after your full stops, makes the post easier to read.

 

Q. What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?

A. Sparky!

 

How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender!

 

I hope this one is not too offensive but there are no complaints from me about the Irish jokes!

What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

This was from a guy at work, who prefer's his ladies to be over 200lbs.

 

Two drunks are sitting in a hotel bar.

The first one syas to the second one:
"I will give you $100 if you do three tasks for me."

"Ok," says the second one, "What are they?"

The first one replies:

"First, you have to knock out the bouncer. He's the big black guy in the lobby.

Second, the is a fighting Rottweiler with a tooth ache out back. You gotta pull its tooth.

and third, there is a ninty year old virgin on the top floor. You gotta **** her."

"No problem," say the second drunk.

He walks out into the lobby and knocks out the bouncer in one punch. He then goes outside. He is outside for a very long time. After a long time, everyone in the lobby hears a long scream. A while later the secomd drunk comes back in, covered in blood, and says:

"Ok, wheres that old lady whose tooth I gotta pull?"

 

Nice one Leppi

 

I got this from my friend

Rednecks

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas
to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come'on this
is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert near took out
the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books -
poof! up in flames , and they hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas . . . When a couple gets divorced
they are STILL cousins.</>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the Arkansas driver what
gear he was in at the moment of impact. He replied, "tractor hat and
camouflage hunting outfit"</>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Folks in Arkansas now go to movies in groups of 18. They were told "17 and
under are not admitted".</>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?", the doctor asked. "No ya dummy" the man shouted, "This is her
husband!"</>

 

A radio conversation at sea

Voice 1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to
avoid collision.

Voice 2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
north to avoid a collision.

Voice 1: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Voice 2: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Voice 1: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Voice 2: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--NOW!

Voice 1: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

LMAO! nice!!!

 

I do belive that joke has been posted before

 

Twin Brothers
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

 

Sick. Disgusting. Wrong.

Need more!


And a "joke" of my own:
Q: What is the difference between tech support and an apple?
A: One leaves a marvelous taste in your mouth and leaves you wanting more when good, and gives you a terrible taste in your mouth and makes you think you just wasted your time ingesting it when bad... The other is a fruit.

 

ROTFLMAO!!!!! Barmy that was great, sick, but great.

A Blond And A Lot Of Sheep

There's this blond, she's sick of all the blond jokes and being made fun of. SHe decides to dye her hair and eyebrows brown to fool everyone she's a brunette. It works, she look just like a brunette.

She then walks up to this sheperd and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, then you let me keep one."

The sheperd knowing she's going to get it wrong says, "Sure, how many do you think there are?"

The blonde looks around then replies, "257"

The sheperd is astounded, "How on earth could you know that?!?!! By all means choose one."

The blonde looks around a bit then points and says, "That one"

The sheperd then looks at she curiously and says, "If I can guess what colour your hair really is, then you give me my dog back."

--------------------------------------------------------

Hospitality?

Mike is in a plane flying over a forest region in the wilderness. The plane runs into a flock of geese and crashes. Mike survives but the pilot is dead.

Mike then wanders for three days and three nights, completely lost he doesn't know if he can go on when he sees a bit of smoke, like form a campfire or a chimney. He Heads towards it and finds a lodge. He walks up to and finds a man in his 50s outside. Mike says to him, "Sir, I've been wandering the wilderness for three days and three nights, might I be able to saty at here for the night?"

The man replies, "Of course of course. As long as you refrain from having sex with my daughter, or else you'll regret it."

After three days and three night in the woods Mike would surely be able to resist and says, "Sure, I'll be able to do that."

That evening at supper Mike sees the man's daughter for the first time. She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, perfect in every way, he just can't pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity. Dinner goes on without further event.

That night they have sex, quietly and there are no signs that the farther noticed.

The next morning Mike wakes up alone with a large flat rock on his check. Puzzled, Mike decides to throw the rock out the window, when he notices a note on the wall that says 'Right Testicle Tied to rock'. Desperately, Mike dives out the window
after the rock. On the way down, Mike sees another note on the wall that reads 'Left Testicle Tied to Bedpost'.

Ouch.

[ January 10, 2005, 23:11: Message edited by: Rolsuk Fryulee ]

 

/cringes in sympathetic agony