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Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say " Eat me".

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God".

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

LMAO Jag, that was excellent!

 

I second that dubbing of excellence!

 

*snicker*

me three

 

Hehe, good one.

 

Heard it, Jag. Still funny though . Nice one.

 

Okay my turn.

A frenchman, an american and an englishman are shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

The chief of this tribe tells the men that they will be eaten but that their skins will be used to make a canoe as it takes three human skins to make one.

Being in a great mood since he's about to get a new canoe the chief tells the men that he will allow them to choose the way that they will die.

Being the first man chosen the Englishman asks for a saber, screams "Long live the queen and runs himself through. He is taken away skinned and thrown into a huge kettle.

Next came the Frenchman. He asks for a pistol, screams "God save the king" and blows his brains out. He is taken away skinned and thrown into a huge kettle.

Finally comes the American. He ponders for a while and finally asks for a fork. The cannibals are all baffled but give him a fork. Raising the fork the American yells "F*ck your canoe" and proceeds to stab himself to death.


*crickets*

 

LOL LMAO

 

I am sure the sensor is going to interfere in this one.

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"

"The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."

 

How do you tell a boy ostrich from a girl ostrich?

Answer: You tell it a joke!

If HE laffs, it's a boy; but if SHE laffs, it's a girl.

 

... Stop the World, I wanna get off!

 

@cernak, that was a baaad joke. it was so baaad that it was funny.

 

"Honey, what would you do if I died," asks the wife.

"Well, it would make me very sad," replies the husband, "Why are you asking?"

"Would you marry again?"

"Of course not."

"Married life doesn't make you happy?" asks the wife.

"Of course it does."

"So why would you not marry again?"

"OK, OK. I would."

"Really?" says the wife, gravely hurt.

"Yes," replies the husband.

"And you would sleep with her in our bed?"

"Yes, well, that's what I think."

"Ah, I see," says the woman meaningfully, "Would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"If she wanted, why not."

"Ah, yes," says the woman coolly

"And would you remove my photos from the wall and replace them with hers?"

"That's probably what one ought to do."

"Oh, really? And you would probably let her play golf with my sticks?"

"But of course not, honey," says the husband, "She's left-handed."

 

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender 'How much for a beer?'
The bartender replies, 'For you, no charge!'

 

Xei Win Toh - I hate myself for getting that joke. Baaaaaaaaaaaad (well bad in a funny way )

 

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street,when one stops and says "Oh no...my electron...my electron...I've lost my electron..."
The other one asks "Are you really sure you've lost it?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

 

/winces, partially because those two are baaaad jokes, partially because I laughed.

 

I got these jokes. Me needs life.

 

There there boys and girls, if you took basic science or chemestry you'd know; and for me that was compulsery. No worries

 

Gahhh...I want to post another nerd joke, but I can't think of any. You'll just have to make do with two old jokes everyone's heard before (I gotta make the cringe factor up somehow).

Paddy has a habit of ordering three pints whenever he goes to the bar. One time, when business is slow, the bartender asks "Paddy, why do you order all three pints at the one time? Surely they get warm before you drink them all."
Paddy says "Ah, this is an old family tradition. Y'see I have one pint for mesel' and a pint for each o' me two brothers back in the old country. That way it's like we're all drinkin' together."
One day, Paddy comes in and orders two pints. Everyone in the bar falls silent. Eventually the barman coughs and says to Paddy "I'm really sorry about your brother."
"Oh no," replies Paddy,"Me brothers are fine. I've just given up drinking."

After the Second World War, representatives of the American, British and Russian armies meet on a battleship. The American general says "This war could not have been won without the courage of the American soldier." He turns to one of his men and says "Johnson! Jump off and swim round the ship!" The soldier does as he is told, and is hauled back aboard soaking wet and shivering. "See," says the general, "That is how brave American soldiers are."
Not to be outdone, the Russian general turns to one of his men and says "Ivanovich! Swim UNDER the ship." The Russian does so, and is hauled aboard soaking wet, shivering, and gasping for breath. "See," says the Russian general, "You cannot say that Russians are not brave."
"Ha," says the British general, You haven't seen anything yet. McEwan! Do what the American did, and what the Russian did!" The soldier replies "You must be mad, you big idiot! Why don't you do it yourself?"

"See," says the British General, "Now, that's courage."