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Oh that second one was great! I needed that laugh. Thank you, Ironbeard.

 

Well, I just remembred these two Newfy jokes, I don't quite remember all the details but I'll fill in where I can.


There's an American, a Frenchman, and a Newfy; all of which are trying to get into the Navy. After months of hard training and hardships they make it to the final test. The three now walk into a room a to meet with their superior for that final test.

The superior says, "Congradualtions men for making this far. If you succeed this final test, then you will become members of the Navy, if not, then all your work will have been in vain. Now, the final test is; you must take this gun, go downstairs and shoot your wife to show your loyalty for this country."

He then hands the American the gun, who goes downstairs. After ten minutes he comes back upstairs crying and says, "Sorry, I just can't do it." and leaves.

The superior then hands the Frenchman the gun, who goes downstairs. After ten minutes he also comes back upstairs crying and says, "Sorry, I just can't do it." and leaves.

The superior then hands the Newfy the gun, who goes downstairs. The superior then hears a scream and three gun shots, which is then followed by lots of crashing and thrashing noises. Finally the Newfy comes back up the stairs with his clothed all out of place.
The superior says, "What the he** happened down there?"

The Newfy then replies, "The gun only had blanks so I had to strangle the the b**ch"

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There's an Italian, an American, and a Newfy who work on the high steel i as construction workers. Everyday they would sit down way up there and have their sandwitches, and everyday the Itallian would have a meatball sandwitch, the American would get a balonie sandwitch, and the Newfy would get a penutbutter-and-jelly sandwitch.

One day the American opens his lunch box to find another balonie sandwitch and says, "Tomorrow, if my wife packs me another balonie sandwitch, then I'm jumping off."

The Italian opens his lunchbox to find a meatball sandwitch and says, "If I get another meatball sandwitch, then I'll jump with you."

Then the Newfy opens his lunchbox only to find another peanutbutter-and-jelly sandwitch and says, "If get another peanutbutter-and-jelly sandwitch then I'll join the two of you."

The next day the American opens his lunchbox and finds another balonie sandwitch and then jumps off.

Then the Italian opens his lunchbox and finds another meatball sandwitch and then jumps off as well.

Then the Newfy opens his lunchbox and finds another peanutbutter-and-jelly sandwitch and then jumps off after the other two.

At the funeral the American's wife says as she weeps, "If only I hadn't packed my husband a balonie sandwitch." and then continues crying.

The Italian's wife says as she weeps, "If only I hadn't packed my husband a meatball sandwitch." and then continues crying.

The Newfies wife then says, "My husband makes his own sandwitches."

 

What in Gods name is a 'newfy'??

 

Someone from Newfoundland, I believe.

 

Haha the first one Rolsuk was awesome

 

Yes Barmy, WotW called it. See in Canada, we consider Newfies stupid No, we don't truly believe that but we make jokes about them, it all started because they have their own language which no one can decipher.

Thanks overload, I have my very very rare moments

 

Funny word winners from the WP:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature…

Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an ass****.

(Someone comes to mind on this last one, but I suddenly can't remember). Why do I suddenly feel like the guy in Orwell's 1984?

[ January 25, 2005, 08:23: Message edited by: Chandos the Red ]

 

Metrosexual: John Howard.. he fuc*s whole cities

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter."

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called
her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After
hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When
the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're and *******!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying
bills or having a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an
*******!" It always cheered me up. When caller ID came to the area, I
thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone
Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had
his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
*******,too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34 Street. It's a yellow house, and the
car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an *******!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to
call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.

"Hello."

"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 1802 West 34 Street, a yellow house, with a black
Beamer parked in the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, *******," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 1802 West 34 Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34 Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34 Street. There I saw
two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

 

Ha-HA! That, Cesard, was wonderful! Absolutely, beyond a doubt, wonderful! So wonderful, in fact, that I'm going to save that to my hard drive and read it whenever I need a laugh. You are a god! (no offense intended to anyone who doesn't believe so)

 

Biology seminar, university.

Professor: Oxitocine regulates orgasm...
Female student, interrupting: Where can you buy that?

Maths lesson, highschool.

Teacher: Stop thinking, do the exercise.

Physical education, higschool, girl group. Coloured sashes are used to mark teams.

Teacher: How to divide you so you could play without tops... err... without sashes...

Invertebrate zoology, university.

Professor (aged 70, dead-serious): Turbellarian worms of the multipeniata species have multiple copulation apparati, which probably makes many of you envious. But I must warn you that after each copulation one apparatus falls off. Just think, the parents could control you better...

[ January 27, 2005, 19:42: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Can somebody translate some of chev's for me? I don't think I got anything but the last one.

 

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are observing a house which was assumed to hold three people inside. Suddenly they observe five people exit the house.

The engineer says, "Our initial assumption was wrong. We should have assumed at least five people were in the house."

The physics says, "Our initial assumption had an error of +/- two people, thus it agrees with experimental observation."

The mathematician thinks for a moment, and finally says, "If two people enter the house, that would make the house empty!"

 

5 Secrets to a perfect relationship...

1. It's important to have a woman who will like your friends and accepts you as you are

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

 

To commemorate dmc's new position on the Board's, here are some good old lawyer jokes.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What's the difference between a dead lawer in the middle of the road and a dead rattlesnake in the middle of the road?
A: There is skid marks before the snake.

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An oxymoron.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
A: He was looking for loopholes!

 

A young school inspector comes to little Ivan's class to see how the students are doing and starts teaching. However, he seems to dislike the regular teacher and decides to embarass her a bit by asking a question that the students won't be able to answer.
"Alright, class, one last question and you're free. My neighbor, who's 41, has a cat. My other neighbor is 62 and she has a canary. The person living directly above me is 33 and he has a german shepherd. Finally, I used to have a hamster. Could anyone tell me how old I am?"
The class is dumbstruck. In a few seconds even the regular nerds are looking ready to give up. Then, suddenly, one hand shoots up.
"Yes?"
"I think you are 28, sir.," little Ivan says.
"That is correct! But how did you know, boy?"
"Well, I am 14 and everyone says I'm a half-idiot."

 

A guy goes to his doctor and says,
"Doc, I have a problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

 

For the ladies (and probably lots of guys as well)

Whats better than a man with a penis down to his knees?


You really want to know?


A man with a penis up to his chest!

 

That's terrible!

 

Sorry, I got that one from a womans magazine a few years ago and believe it or not that was one of the better ones!