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you guys have probably seen this one before..

Redneck Mirror


After living in the remote wilderness of
Kentucky all
his life, an
old codger decided it was time to visit the big
city.
In one of the
stores he picked up a mirror for the very
first time and looked into
it. Not knowing what the mirror was, he
remarked,"How about that! Here's a picture of my
daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he
remembered his wife,
Lizzy, didn't like his father, so he hung the
mirror in the barn.
Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many
trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched
the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So
that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"


NEVER SAY TO A COP
> 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
>
> 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
>
> 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
>
> 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
>
>
> 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
>
> 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
>
> 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
>
> 8. I pay your salary!
>
> 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
>
>
> 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
>
>
> 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
>
> 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

Now that list puts me in mind of a joke.
A man is pulled over by the police. The cop says to him "Son, you were going well over the speed limit there. I'm afraid I'm going to have to see your lisence and registration."

"I'm afraid this isn't my car, officer."

"Are you insured to drive it? Who's it registered to?"

"I don't know, officer. I stole it."

"You're telling me that you're driving a stolen car?"

"Yup...now you mention it, I think I noticed some documents in the glove compartment when I put my gun in there. Maybe they're what you're looking for."

"What's this about a gun?"

"Oh yeah, I shot the owner when I stole it. Her body's in the boot."

The cop backs off and calls for backup. Shortly after, an armed response unit arrives. The leader of the armed response unit orders the driver out of the car, and proceeds to search the glove compartment. No gun,but he finds the driver's lisence and registration. He opens the boot, it's empty. "I don't understand, he says"....The officer who called us said you were driving a stolen car with a gun in the glove compartment and a body in the boot...."

"What?" replies the driver, "I'll bet the dirty liar said I was speeding as well."

 

Cesard, I heard the logic joke before, but then it went like:

Shamey: "No"

Pat: "Homo!!!"

 

Heres another one thats a bit old but I haven't seen it on here so I'll post it

Final Exams


The blonde reported for her university
final examination that
consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her
seat in the examination
hall, stares at the question paper for five
minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and
starts tossing the coin
and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and
"No" for Tails Within half
an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the
class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen
desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks
what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an
hour, but I'm rechecking
my answers."


found this one in an my composition folder for my email..had to post it

A father and son went hunting
> together for
> > the first time. The father said,
> "Stay here
> > and be very QUIET. I'll be across
> the
> > field."
> >
> > A few minutes later, the father
> heard a
> > bloodcurdling scream and ran back
> to his
> > son. "What's wrong?" the father
> asked. "I
> > told you to be quiet."
> >
> > The son answered, "Look, I was
> quiet
> > when the snake slithered across
> my feet.
> > I was quiet when the bear
> breathed down
> > my neck. I didn't move a muscle
> when the
> > skunk climbed over my shoulder. I
> closed
> > my eyes and held my breath when
> the
> > wasp stung me. I didn't cough
> when I
> > swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
> or
> > scratch when the poison oak
> started
> > itching. But when the two
> chipmunks
> > crawled up my pant legs and said,
> > 'Should we eat them here or take
> them
> > with us?' Well, I guess I just
> panicked."

[ February 13, 2005, 22:33: Message edited by: LoS_DrIzZt4 ]

 

An elf is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a dwarf. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the elf doesn't get uncomfortable until the dwarf drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the dwarf, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the elf thanks the dwarf and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the elf is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The dwarf reaches out, gets a tight grip on the elf's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your platinum or I'll jump off the ladder!"

 

lmfao thats so wrong

good joke

 

At this point I closed the window.

Damn curiosity.

 

I got this from another forum.

Harry did like he always did, kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in Heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. Man, now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm," he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh, that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed.
And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry, for God's sake wake up, you're crapping all over the bed!"

 

That. Is. Disgusting. I feel dirty now; I'm going to go take a shower.

 

LMAO!!! nice but very sick one nior!

 

I forwarded this to a couple of mates at work.... they dont talk to me anymore... lol LMAO

 

thats a good one lol....i think ill go to the toilet now..

 

A farmer takes his favorite rooster to the movie theater, but they won't allow him to bring the rooster inside.

He goes around the corner, stuffs the rooster into his overalls, then goes back to the theater.

Once inside, he sits down, and when the movie starts, he unzips his fly and the rooster sticks his head out to watch the movie.

An old lady sitting next to him nudges her friend and says, "Agnes, the man sitting next to me has his fly open and he's exposing himself!"

Agnes says, "Millie, if you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Millie replies, "Yes, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

 

LMAO!!! Don't they all?

 

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

 

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.

The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it.
The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp.
The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over his glass and screams "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!!

 

A carpet layer had just finished laying a beautiful carpet in his friends house, so he looks round for a cigarette to say job well done to himself, he checked all his pockets but couldn't find them anywhere, looking around the room he saw a little bump in the middle of the carpet. Thinking it must be his cigs he sighs, not being bothered to take the whole carpet up again, and grabs his hammer and goes at the bump until its completely flat. Sitting in the kitchen having a cup of tea after his friends daughter comes into the room asking if he's seen her budgie, he replies no. When hes back in his van he looks on the passenger seat and see's his packet of cigs... sorry, i know it's sick, but it made me chuckle!

 

?? What the hell's a budgie?? I don't get it.

A brunette, redhead and a blonde are at the doctor's office, waiting for their turn to be examined. They are pregnant, and say as much to each other. After a round of congratulations, the brunette says "I am going to have a boy, because I was on top." The redhead says "I'm gonna have a girl cause I was on the bottom." The blonde thinks for a minute, then starts to cry. "What's the matter, honey?" Says the brunette to the blonde. The blonde replies tearfully: "I'm gonna have puppies!!"

 

LMAO!!!!!

I second Ravynn' notion about the not knowing what a bidgie.

 

I think a budgie is some sort of bird, by the looks of it a pet as well.