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Again not very politically correct - but I thought it was funny

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other
possibility.

As part of her negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in
plan that would be known as 'Euro English'.

In the first year 'S' will replace the soft 'C'. Sertainly, this will make
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'C' will be replaced with the 'K'.
This should klear up Konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'PH' will be replaced with 'F'. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government
will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a
deterant to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the
silent 'e' in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'TH' with
'Z' and 'W' with 'V'.

During ze fifz yar, ze uneseary 'O' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'OU'
and similar changs vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yar, ve vi hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubls or difikutlis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.


ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

 

Zat is very funy.

You speld akseptans vrong.

 

I just copied it from an e-mail I received some time ago.... we're still purfekting Euro English in England.

 

Friends are like condom - always protect you.

Good friends are like underwear - always near you.

Best friends are like viagra - lift you up when your down.

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both
manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In
the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother
you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me
another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye,says, "I've
got a better idea... ....let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles
the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your own f**king blanket."

 

Cesard will like this one, I am sure.

David Hasslehoff walks into a bar. The barman greets him.

"Good Evening, sir." he says.

"Call me Mr Hoff." David replies.

"Sure David, no hassle."

 

hehehe we all seem to be in a Hasslehoff mood these days. May he entertain us for another 20 years!

 

*The following joke is not the opinion of the author. He just finds it funny and correct in some cases. *

Q: How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, they just sit in the dark and b*tch.

 

The teacher asked her fifth grade class to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it as an assignment. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Michael says, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess".
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
" Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sarah raised her hand and says, "Our family are farmers,too,but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah , so Ashley, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Christine who was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bale out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky,a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break,and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunty Christine when she's been drinking!"

 

Sean Connery's agent calls him.
"Sean, I've got you an audition for a new movie."
"Great!"
"It's about ten-ish, so be there early"
"Tennis? But I don't have a racket!"

 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When thee bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

 

Good one!

Q Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

A Because she had no arms

 

Well, to keep up with the style that Cesard set

Q what did jimmy get for xmas?

A lepracy

Q Why did the little boy fall off his bike?


A He had no legs

 

OK, somewhat similar to the above two:

What do you call a dog with no legs?
.
.
.
.
.
Nothing--he can't come when you call him!

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
.
.
.
.
.
Soup.

 

A wife came home one day to find a letter saying the following:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with
your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I
value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18-year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining
room
Table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like
to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like
your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and
with your excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are
in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes
into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

 

A local theater company is in the middle of a rehearsal when suddenly the backstage wall collapses and a huge cloud of dust springs up.

When the dust settles, the players find a car surrounded by rubble, with a teen-age girl behind the wheel.

The director walks up, and in his most sarcastic tone asks, "Young lady, are you trying to break into show business?"

She replies, "No, it's just a stage I'm going through."

 

Nice BA

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b***hes who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b***hes who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen."

 

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have
to
find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in
a
chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we
met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too
late
to hit the delete button. Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant
message saying that her operating system was showing signs of
unauthorized
program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself
in
her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
'You've
Got Male'!"

 

These are great. Thanks for the laugh

 

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left...

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy."