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THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN...

Nicknames
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out to lunch, they will call each other Laura,Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-bead and punchy.

Eating out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, even though its only £62. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they really want their change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the calculators.

Pubs
Women leave pubs when they have had one or two glasses of wine and are starting to get bored.
Men leave pubs when they are carried out/thrown out! arrested/can't walk or talk or have run out of money.

Pubtalk
Women gossip about neighbours, shopping, sex, houses etc in the pub.
Men talk bollocks in the pub (only in the pub?).

Money
A man will pay £20 for a £10 item he wants.
A woman will pay £10 for a £20 item that she does not want

Bathrooms
A man has six item in the bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would be unable to identify most of these items.

Phones
A man uses a telephone to arrange to meet friends, so they can have a long chat over a pint.
A woman uses the phone to have a long chat with someone she sees every day.

Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats
Women love cats
Men say they love cats, but when women are't looking, men kick cats.

Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Lovemaking
A woman will sleep with a man when she has formed a strong emotional bond with her partner.
A man will sleep with any woman who is up to it.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the dustbins, answer the phone, read a book and get the papers. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Mornings
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring: Ah, Children!
A women knows all about her children. She knows their dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

I have just read every joke in this thread, and now must add one of my own.

The small charter airplane is crashing, and the pilot comes into the cabin to talk with the three passengers.

"I will go down with the plane, but sadly, there are only two parachutes, so one of you passengers will have to die with me."

The passengers muse for a while, and then decide to let the captain decide, so he does so by asking them questions:

"Name the famous cruise ship that sank in the North Atlantic in 1912." he asks the first passenger.

"The Titanic." comes the reply from the first passenger.

"Good. How many people died?" the pilot asks the second passenger.

"897." replies the second passenger.

By this time, they're pretty close to crashing, so the pilot asks the third fellow:

"What were their names?"

 

Have you heard the Bush version? I dont remember if it has been posted here before:

George Bush, a priest and a school going kid are in a small charter airplane. The airplane is crashing, and the pilot comes into the cabin to talk with the three passengers.

"The plane is going downand I am not going to let my life end like this. There are only three parachutes and I am taking one, so one of you passengers will have to die."
He straps on the parachute and jumps.

George Bush hurries over to where he sees a bag, grabs it and says: "I am the President of the most powerful nation on Earth and the gaurdian of peace, justice and democracy on Earth. My job is very important so I will take the parachute and jump."
He straps it on and jumps.

The old cleric looks at the child and says: "I have lived my life for others and will go to my maker in peace. You have your whole life in front of you and should take the remaining parachute and jump to safety."

Th kid says: "You dont have to worry about that father. The President of the most powerful nation on Earth just jumped with my school bag."

 

Two bears was sitting in a tree when a submarine flew past the and landed in the tree next to them.

"He probably lives there" said one of the bears.

 

Some Ancient Hair related Goodies

Q: What does a Blonde say in the morning?
A: "Are you guys all on the same team?"

Q: How does a Blonde turn on the lights after sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How do you know a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: Whiteout on the screen.

Q: How do you know a Redhead's been using your computer?
A: There's a gaping hole in the monitor where her fist went through.

Q: What is the International Blonde Mating Call?
A: "I am SOOOO drunk!"

Q: What is the International Brunette Mating Call?
A: Are those blonde b*****s gone yet?

That's all I can remember for now, apologies to the intelligent blondes out there (I'm actually dating one, lucky for me she never visits this site )

 

This ones just silly, but I like it...


Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass.

You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing........
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you...!!"

 

1id you hear that they had to stop the lepers' hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.

2: While eating a clown, the one cannibal turned to the other and said "does this taste funny to you?"

3: Once upon a time, a man walked into the South American Jungle looking for treasure. He hiked for days until he was captured by some really vicious tribesmen.

"You have violated our lands -- you have two choices, intruder -- Death, or Boola-Boola."

Figuring that anything is preferable to death, the man chose Boola-Boola. It turns out that this punishment consists of being buggered by 20 tribesmen in a row. Needless to say, the man was not a happy camper after the ordeal. They tied him to a tentpole and only threw him scraps of food for the next week. He finally escaped.

Sadly, the man was weakened by his stay in the village, and they caught him again. This is what the chief had to say:

"You will not be permitted to return to your people and reveal our location. Your insolence in escaping merits punishment. You may choose between death and Boola-Boola."

Well, knowing now what Boola Boola entailed, the man thought long and hard (pardon the pun). He finally decided to stay alive, and once again suffered the depravity of his captors.

Not wanting to spend the rest of his life eating scraps (although, to be fair to the tribesmen, no one paid him any amorous attention during his captivity) the man once again escaped. He nearly made it to a river when he was captured by a hunting party and brought back to the village.

"You are a foolish man, one who continues to insult our intelligence and our ways. You will again be punished. Choose!" says the chief.

The man decides that death is preferable to the alternative, and so in despair says "Kill me now!"

"Fine," says the chief. "You are sentenced to death -- by Boola-Boola!

(Note: variants of this joke include "Oingo-Boingo", "Hacka-Whacka", and probably about 10 other really juvenile onomatopoeic words.)

 

Unless there is a hidden, intellegent meaning to this, I love it!

 

A rabbit and a bear run into each other by the watering hole. The bear pulls up an old bottle from the sludge around the lake. As he does so, *poof* a genie appears.

"I'll grant you each three wishes, as I'm feeling especially generous today", says the genie.

The bear goes first. "I wish I had the sex drive of 100 bears, so I could hump all day and night."

"Done!", says the genie. The rabbit then wishes for a motorcycle. Needless to say, the other two are perplexed, but the rabbit gets a sweet little dirtbike suitable for all sorts of forest rambling.

The bear then says "For my second wish, I wish there to be lots and lots of female bears for an area of 300 miles."

"Done!", says the genie. The rabbit then requests a motorcycle helmet. He gets it, but the genie and bear are wondering what the matter is with this stupid little lagomorph. The rabbit puts on the helmet and revs his motor.

The bear then says "I wish that all the male bears on this continent would drop dead, leaving me with no competition for the ladies."

"Done!", says the genie, and so it is. "Now, little rabbit, it's your final wish -- please think carefully."

"No problem", says the rabbit as he guns the engine and tears off, "I wish this bear was a homosexual!"

 

Firmly tongue in cheek....


A man goes to a fancy dress party, where he is met by several people dressed in all inds of costumes: Roman togas, knights in armour, nuns, monks etc.

He is wearing nothing but a pair of y-fronts.
"What are you supposed to be?" Asked a Nun.
"A premature ejaculation." He confidently replied.
"What?"
"I've just come in my pants."

 

An Elf, a gnome and a dwarf are sitting in the bar each drinking an ale, when they all notice that there is a fly in each of their mugs. The Elf pushes the mug away in disgust. the Gnome drinks the ale down fly and all...The dwarf shakes his fist at the fly and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT YOU LITTLE
F@#KER!!!!!!

 

Errr... that joke has been posted in the thread already

 

Yeah, and it's still crap.

[ June 05, 2005, 22:31: Message edited by: Barmy Army ]

 

A man in Barcelona is looking for the cheapest english school he can find, he has no money; he found one in a newspaper advertising so there he goes; he gets there, he knocks the door and open it, he steps inside and found a guy so he asks: is this the cheapest english school in Barcelona as you adevertises in the newspaper?, the other guy says:
if, if; between, between...

For people who doesn't understand: 'if' means 'si', like 'yes', 'between' means 'entre' like 'come in'; we use the same words but with different meaning: 'if' you are going out... 'si' sales...
do you like it? 'yes'.. te gusta? 'si'
this is 'between' you and me... esto es 'entre' tu y yo...
'come in'... 'entre'

 

Now for a joke in english.

A kindergarten teahcer is teaching her class to identify different flavours. She does this by giving out Life Savers and asking for the children to tell what flavor they are. The class has no problem with the red (cherry), the green (lime) and the yellow (lemon). Seeing this, the teacher decides to give them something a little more difficult, so she gives the class honey flavoured Life Savers. After a few moments, none of the children has shouted out the answer, so the teacher gives them a hint.

"Class, this flavour might be something that your mommy probably calls your daddy."

Immediately, a little girl in the back spits her Life Saver out and shouts to the rest of the class.

"Everyone spit them out, quick! They're a**holes!"

 

hahaha good one!

 

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in
copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all
of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made
even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been
copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son".

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and
goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall.
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" In
a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not celibate!"

 

Ha ha ha! Hilarious!!!

 

One year, i went to visit my friend for his birthday. knocked the door, a snail opened to door for him. i was quite shock, kicked the snail far away. The next year, i went to the same friend for the same purpose, his birthday. Arrived at the door, knocked the door, the same snail opened it. It was pretty angry and yelled "why did you kick me so far just now!"

 

An old one but still nice

Two parachutists jumped together from a plane. As they were flying down one of them asked the other:
"Hey, dude, you want an apple?
"Well, why not"-said the other
Some time after that as they were still dropping down with great speed the first asked again:
"You want another apple?"
"Sure"-said the other
About the time they had to open the parachutes the first guy took out a third apple and offered it to the other.
"Where the hell are these apples comming from?"-the other asked.
"Why, from that large rucksack on your back, of course"