Break Ups

Remove all ads!

@Carcaroth: Of course it's a normal phrase that comes to mind when talking about such things. The phrase is perfectly viable but my bitter reflection is whether it's really a victory. If it really is some reward you win. You win a battle and gain honour. Or you win a reward in a challenging contest. What do you win by getting a cheater back? I don't want to delve into people's relationships but cheating is not something one has to do or is compelled to do. We aren't talking about rape. I agree with you on the latter part of what you said, though.

Edit: A couple of minutes ago, my friend got dropped from a 2 vs 2 game of Warcraft 3 we were playing. As he was sad for getting a loss in such a way, I continued the game until I won and I sent him the replay to cheer up, he told me he got a message from his girlfriend saying "I'm reading a newspaper now etc etc. I love you." and a follow up saying "IT WASN'T FOR YOU. Don't read it!" Tough luck, pal.

[ August 23, 2005, 16:13: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

Good luck man. You're in the hard part now. Try not to make any bad decisions while your emotions are all messed up. Actually, try not to make any important decisions at all.
Your head will clear and you will move one. It takes time.

 

It's making me feel quite uneasy to see a fun person such as yourself in such a mood, Barms. I'm glad you still have guts enough to tell what's on your mind, like you did before.
We can all tell you how bad we felt when one of us broke up, but I doubt it helps you in any way. For me, at least, it doesn't help to know that other people suffer too when you have a problem. So there's little I can say.
You're a fun guy, you will get over it, I guess, some time. In the mean time, don't get yourself cloistered, stay off the weird stuff and cry as much as you like.

 

I can pretty much concur / sum up the advice of everyone here in saying this:

There's nothing any of us can say to make you feel better. Nothing. You will feel like total sh*t for a short period of time. That's guaranteed. It is the way of such things. It is also the way of such things that tomorrow it will hurt a little bit less, probably too small to notice at first. Slowly but surely, it will hurt less and less until it doesn't hurt at all. Before you know it, you'll be over her, you'll meet somebody new and realize you're better off without her.

Of course, at the moment, you will think that agreeing with the above is impossible. I'm sure it feels right now like your heart is destroyed and can never heal. But give it time. Keep yourself busy, focus on the good aspects of your life, and ignore pessimistic junk (like what was offered by Sarevok). You will soon enough notice that the above is more or less right on target.

You've got a life - go live it. Go watch some old Monty Python, bury yourself in a game of BG2 or Torment, meet some new people and don't let the bitch get the best of you.

Especially don't forget the Python. A rousing out-loud singing of "Every Sperm is Neeeee-ded" is a guaranteed cure for anything. Chin up, mate.

 

I've waited for a while thinking about this -- the subject is still a little painful. My ex moved out, leaving me with the kids, so she could move a mile away from her married research professor (and new significant other) and carry on their relationship. It hurt like hell. I crawled in a bottle for a while, that made things worse. I tried dating, but just couldn't feel anything for the women I was with. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I had two people counting on me.

She, of course, said all the stupid things: I love you but I'm not in love with you (just what the hell is THAT supposed to mean), I still care about you (what a crock), you'll always have a special place in my heart (my monthly check does). She had known the relationship was over for a while, but didn't have the courage to say anything until she was ready to walk out -- that type of selfishness doesn't leave much time for the person being left (me or you) to accept it's over and start healing. It really sucks.

I've heard it said that for every year you spend in a relationship it takes 3-6 months to get over the relationship (I think its less than that personally). Wow, that's a long damn time. Now to finally get to the point... it's not your fault. Having a baby would have made things worse. She was probably feeling that way long before the 'scare.' There's very little you can do to help with the pain -- numbing yourself will just extend the recovery process out. But it will get better. The best thing is to be with friends (your friends, not hers -- and, yes, they will take sides). You may be tempted or encouraged to jump into the dating pool too soon. Don't. The new love will only be temporary and you'll still deal with the pain when that relationship comes crashing down. On top of the feelings you have now will be feelings that you'll never find love again and you've failed twice (not a good place to be).

The emotional thing will pass, although I still get pissed at myself for getting misty-eyes at a movie (man, I used to be a rock -- didn't even cry at Ol' Yeller'). The pain will subside. Just take care of yourself.

 

Many thanks everyone, for your help and guidance. You've all made me feel a bit better about things, thanks .

 

So how's it going now Barmy?

 

I'm coping. She just won't stop ringing me and texting me, saying how sorry she is about it all and how bad she feels about it. I wish she wouldn't...

She wants to be good friends because she says I'm still a very important person in her life and she doesn't want to lose my friendship. She's a nice girl, despite what she did, she's a top lass, I'd like to still be friends with her. At the moment though, I just wish she'd give me a bit of space to sort my head out. I'm still very confused about what I want...

I'm trying to bury myself in a game of BG2 and sink a few beers to chill out a bit, I've not been able to have a chill out session in ages. I'm just fed up of feeling ****, it's doing my head in. It'll sort though, I'm sure (hope). Anyway, I'm ranting. Thanks for asking, Uytuun . You guys on these boards a top people, really .

 

Oh dear, that's strange, the ringing and texting. But perhaps that shows she's a good person who sincerely regrets what she's done and wants to make sure no more harm is done. Sometimes I wish I could have more faith in people and believe in things like this.

Once, I was interested in a girl who liked me but didn't reciprocate the romantic interest. She actually cared to ask me how I was coping with it and make sure I'm all right, but with enough tact to make eye contact first and assess if she should approach me. I was much impressed. She also offered me some time and space before resuming friendly relations.

Make some great screenshots for Tal and score a ScrotW or three. It should help your mood.

 

We were together for nearly 2 years and spent lots of time together and, for the most part, really enjoyed each others company. I really believed she was 'the one'. I can't think bad of her. She's a nice lass, despite what she did, she's one of the nicest people I've ever met. She never went out to hurt me, I know that and I know she regrets how she has hurt me and ruined our relationship, it's eating her up.

We'll be good friends, I know we will. I just wish we were together again and things were like how they used to be... I miss being with her and miss how she used to be with me. I wish... certain things, turned out differently and regret some of the things I did and said.

Ah well... life!!!! I need to just sort my head out and move on. It's just hard at the minute.. the worst times are at night-times... that really sux... sleeping on your own when your used to have someone you loved next to most nights to cuddle up to... it makes sleeping hard, I dunno it's weird. It just really hits hard then...

Jesus, I must leave beer alone, it makes me talk such ****, pml.

 

aww.

Well, the night does tend to make emotions more extreme.

Out of the eye is out of the heart. That's for sure. Maybe you should specifically ask her to give you more space.

And drunken ramble is good. It's what SP is build on.

 

I'm afraid she's not doing the ringing and texting for you Barmy (but then, I'm a little pessimistic about such things). She is doing it to ease her own guilt -- to be honest, that actually says more about you than about her (blunt -- you're a good guy).

You should let her know she is simply causing more pain right now. She needs to stop. You can reinitiate contact at a later time if appropriate.

 

As always, Uytuun says wise things. But back to you, Barmy:

Getting used to it is hard but there is some strength in it.

 

I'm afraid T2Bruno may be right.

What you need is to find balance on your own, and that is quite hard. In most relationships people use their partner as a crutch.
My advice: stop drinking before you get a beer belly.
You'll be alright Barmy.

 

This is what I did when I broke up and she started seeing a friend of mine: I turned on some metallica and drank for a few hours with a friend, in which I called her (really trashed by then), and threatened to eat her first born. I don't suggest taking that path.

 

Err... noted, thanks .

 

Altho I know you not, I would still like to express some info that might help you, if you don't mind

I was cheated on, heard it happen myself. My mental state worsened for a short time, but regained it after spending some time thinking it all through. What helped me was spending nights remembering key happy moments and focusing on them, which obviously led to alot of crying and such, but that helps heal a bit.

I recommend dedicating time to what you enjoy best. Sports, hanging out with friends, reading, meditation, religion, anything you enjoy doing to help keep your mind off things. Just keep in mind that flooding out your feelings and problems with beer is bad idea

 

Thanks Aldular, and everyone else for your advice, cheers.
I'm feeling better about things the last few days anyway, it's starting to sink in and I'm beginning to get over it.
Soon, I'll pull myself together and be a man about it, as soon as more of the hurt is gone and I stop acting like a big blubbering baby.

Thanks guys, appreciate it .

 

Yeah, one evening of some good drinking may help but developing a lasting drinking habit won't. I try to avoid drinking too much alcohol too often on such occasions in order to avoid addiction. Addiction to alcohol develops faster if your biological clock is deregulated, if you work shifts, travel a lot between timezones etc. Hitting the low after a break-up is probably similar with all the sleeplessness and/or falling asleep during the day from tiredness.

And don't worry about acting like a big blubbering baby. It does help to let it out rather than hoard inside. The ultimate childish thing to do would be taking it out on other people or getting a substance addiction.

/me stops preaching and pats Barmy on the back

Take care.

@Erebus: I'm curious, what's your view on guys who "steal" girlfriends? I've actually come to think I owe a favour to some of them.

[ August 29, 2005, 18:53: Message edited by: chevalier ]