Jokey Posties

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That was funny, JiggaJay. And duplicate posts happen from time to time.

 

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof!* the light goes on when I pee, and then *poof!* the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, &quotthat's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof!* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then *poof!* the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

 

LMAO!!!

Ok, an old man and his old wife are sitting on their porch after being married for 50 some years. Suddenly, the wife turns around and slaps her husband.

"Thats for 50 years of bad sex!" She yells.

Well, the man turns around and slaps her back. "What was that for?" the wife screams.

the old man replies, "That's for knowing the difference."

 

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history...

 

Very good, Arahar. Just goes to prove we get what we pay for.

 

Great one, Arahar

Alright, here's one that has the possibility of being offensive. However, it is solely a joke, and is not meant to be offensive.


Two guys, Joe, and Frank, are talking to each other.

Joe: "You know, someday, I'm going to take over the world, make myself a dictator, and enslave 10 million Jews and 1 clown."

Frank: "Um, alright, but why 1 clown?"

Joe: "This just goes to show you: nobody cares about the Jews."


Eh, I guess it's funnier in person.

 

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

 

Haha, nice one

 

2005 Darwin Awards (So I'm told, only 2 should actually qualify)

1. Darwin Award Winner: When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a! $! 20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 9! 11! immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at t! he! scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

Scientists should never be allowed to have free time.

 

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?� Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is� BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.� And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.� But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!� AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID� LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!� BECAUSE NO ONE� IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!� IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

 

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they sit around in the dark and cry about it.


How are marriage and a tornado alike?
At first there's a lot of sucking and blowing but before you know it your house is gone.

 

Hahahah, I like both of them, JiggaJay

 

Well, its good to know my humor is appreciated! Heres a little dirty one... (congrats on 1000 posts btw!)

A fourth grade teacher has been instructed to teach her class sex ed. She is a little nervous about doing it to such a young group, but the demands of today's society made her do so. The first thing she does is show the class a picture of a p*nis. "Do you know what this is class?" she asks.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "It's a p*nis! My dad has two of them!"

"What?! Two Johnny?" says the shocked teacher.

"yeah, a small, limp one for peeing and a long, hard one for brushing the babysitters teeth!"

...Hope I don't get modded... Gamefaqs lets this thing slide, but I've spent WAY more time here lately... Don't mod me...

 

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

 

nice one Ara, Not bad Jiggajay and Pms jokes are always good Morgoth

 

Ara! Jiggajay's and Morgoth's are good too.

 

Man: If I give you two hundred pounds, can I ask you two questions?


Lawyer: Certainly. What's the 2nd one?

 

I forgot you were from Britain for a second, I was like, "Is he losing weight or something?" LMAO

 

Hahaha, Ara, that one is awesome ('specially since I just studied that stuff, makes it fun for me)!