Jokey Posties

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A daughter brings her boyfriend over to her house. Upon entering, they find her parents in the living room, her mother attending to a sick looking father. "What's wrong dad?" She says.

"Well, It appears your father has something stuck in his ear." Replied her mother. The boyfriend knew how to treat this. He approaches the father and sticks his fingers up his nose.

"All right, when I say three blow real hard! One... Two... Three!!" Well, out pops the object that was stuck in his ear. The parents say thank you and their daughter and her boyfriend leave the house. When they depart, the mother says:

"My my, what a nice boy!! What do you think he's going to be?"

"Well..." replies the father, "by the smell of it our son-in-law."

 

This is allegedly true
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial' water heater'; This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the
fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself,

"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

 

@DarkStrider-

LMAO

 

lmao that would suck...thats the best laugh I've had in a long time.

Well, heres my joke. Quite long, but my Mom sent me this and I'd say that it rivals the last one.

One Woman's Tale of Woe

All hair removal methods have tricked women
with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors,
razors, Nair and
now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that
would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I
should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to
the site of my demise:
the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax"
kits.

No melting a clump
of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand, they get
warm and you peel them apart and press them to
your leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss,
no fuss. How hard can
it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough
to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah.right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
it tight and pull. It
works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After
checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate
hair fighting
championship.

I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same
procedure, I
apply the was strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering
the right half of my vagina and stretching down
to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself..RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,

I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
the strip. CRAP!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly
and spotted. I think I may pass out.must stay conscious.Do I hear crashing
drums??? Breathe, breathe.OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip,
the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up
the strip! There's no
hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE
WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down,
foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I
run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered
in cold wax and matted hair.Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my
foot is still propped
up on the toilet? I know I need to do something So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell
door. Vagina? Sealed
shut!Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to
figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to
poop. My head may pop
off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot
water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter
than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical
equipment - I sit.

Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to
the bottom of the
tub.in scalding hot water. Which, by the way,
doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as
though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God
bless the man who had
convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very
good conversation starter
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to
the bottom of the
tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know
any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter
from me.

She wants to
know exactly where the wax is
located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or
who-ha?" She's laughing out loud
by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the
number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke
of someone else's night. While we go through
various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor.

Nothing
feels better then to have your
girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm
going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I
finally see my saving
grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose
at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably
woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, l but I
really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I
get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove
the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I
recklessly shave it off.Heck,
I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[ January 29, 2006, 07:16: Message edited by: LoS_DrIzZt4 ]

 

This might be a little sick and morbid, but I found it so funny I couldn't resist posting it:

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished gagging, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn how to pay attention!"

 

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.
The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."
With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

-----------------------------------------------

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.
The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby Frenh Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

-----------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman?
There are skid marks before the hedgehog

Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was: 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"

-----------------------------------------------

Frenchman, Englishman and Claudia Schiffer travelling by train through Provence. The train enters a tunnel and the lights go out. Then came a kissing noise followed by the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train exited the tunnel, Claudia and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman was holding his cheek. The Frenchman thought 'That Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia was thinking: 'The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Englishman was thinking: 'Great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.

----------------------------------------------

How many gears does a French tank have?
Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

----------------------------------------------

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." - Marge Simpson

 

Lol nice one Kitrax

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died.
> When he got to heaven,
> > >God was showing him around. They came to a modest
> little house with a
> > >faded Colts flag in the window. 'This house is
> yours for eternity,
> > >Peyton,' said God.
> > >
> > >'This is very special; not everyone gets a house
> up here.'
> > >
> > >Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his
> house. On his way up
> > >the porch, he noticed another house just around
> the corner. It was a
> > >3-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, a
> 50 foot tall flagpole
> > >with an enormous Steelers flag, and in every
> window was a Terrible
> > >towel.
> > >
> > >Peyton looked at God and said 'God, I'm not
> trying to be ungrateful, but
> > >I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold
> many NFL records, and I
> > >even went to the Hall of Fame.'
> > >
> > >God said 'So what's your point Peyton?'
> > >
> > >'Well, why does Ben Roethlisberger get a better
> house than me?'
> > >
> > >God chuckled, and said 'Peyton, that's not Ben's
> house, it's mine

[ January 30, 2006, 17:27: Message edited by: LoS_DrIzZt4 ]

 

LMAO!!

Ok, so I was hooking up with this girl and we were doing the dirty, but I got tired of doing all the work so I left the coffin.

*stolen from some guy I heard on the radio*

A man walks into his sons room and says "son if you don't quit M********ing you're gonna go blind!!"

The kid says "I'm over here dad."

 

Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note : Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&$&-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

 

@Maurolava, The best ever. As a chili fan by the time I got to #7, I couldn't see. I was :ROTFLMAO: Had to stop catch my breath, wipe the tears from my face before I could read #7 & 8.

The only time you can get anything worth calling chili around here is in July when they have a local chili cook-off.

 

You can't beat a good chili joke. I laughed so hard I had to go to the bathroom afterward. I feel like Frank.

 

Chodeskius: hey whats a good name for my kitten
Shniznite: Qwerty
Chodeskius: that sounds so familiar
Chodeskius: where did u get qwerty.. oh.

( http://www.bash.org/?609178 )



And something for some of us:

<BoltBait> My wife saw my 7756 post count on the MOTL board and said, "you've never said that many things to me since we've been married."

(http://www.bash.org/?608442)

 

When Jerry Garcia died, he woke up and found himself on a stage on which a number of instruments were set up. A door offstage opened and in walked Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding and Buddy Holly.

Each musician picked up his favorite instrument and began tuning up.

Jerry walked up to Jimi and said, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."

Jimi looked at him and said, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walked in, took her seat behind the drums, and called out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You.' One, two, three, four!"

 

Close to You... hehehehe. Nice one Ara.

 

I don't get Ara's maybe I'm just lacking some outside information that makes it funny?

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, 'WHO'S HORNY'..." and she acts like she is asleep every time."

 

Very nice one Kitrax.

 

Lol that's funny Kitrax. Here are some I found lol

*****

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.

*****
THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

*****

i've learned that

*you cant make someone love you. all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

*no matter how much i care, som people are just a$$holes

*it takes years to build up trust and it only takes suspicion not proof to destroy it

*you can get by on charm for 15 minutes.

*you shouldnt compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think

*you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished

*we are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities

*regardless of how hot or steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be a lot of money to take its place

*99% of the time when something in you house isnt working, one of your kids did it

*the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away

*****

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all go into a barn and hide in different, empty potatoes sacks because they're wanted by the police. A cop comes in and pokes the first bag with the redhead and she says, "MEOW!" He pokes the second bag with the brunette and she says, "WOOF!" He pokes the third bag with the blonde and she says, "POTATOES!"

*****

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me the Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the Government.We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The maid, we'll consider the working class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the maid's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the maid.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think

politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep SH*T!"

*****

 

Nice one Kitrax...Innocence your last one is great too

Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

which proves....

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

http://www.bash.org/?top

[ February 08, 2006, 01:02: Message edited by: LoS_DrIzZt4 ]

 

Hahaha, those are a lot of good ones... Well, Los Drizzts' is rather shamelessly ganked, but it's a good joke so what the hell... keep up the laughs, everyone!