Jokey Posties

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George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After talking for a while he tells the children to go ahead and ask about anything. A little boy puts up his hand and George says:

- Yes, son, whats your name?

+ Bob

- And what is your question Bob?

+ Well I have three questions.
1. Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
2.Why are you president if Al Gore got more votes than you?
3.What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just as he finishes his questions, the schoolbell rings and George says to the kids that they'll continue after the break. When the breaks over George says:

- Ehm, where were we? Ah, right questions!

A little girl puts up her hand.

George points at her and says: what's your name then?

* Sally

- And what's your question Sally?

* Well, I have 5 questions.
1. Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
2.Why are you president if Al Gore got more votes than you?
3.What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
4.Why did the school bell ring 20 minutes before it usually does? And
5. Where is Bob?

 

On the edge?


Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

 

That is so wicked Kizmiaz. Took me a couple of seconds before I realized what she said.

 

JOB 40:24
and God said to Job
"can anyone capture him by the eyes or trap him and pierce his nose?
Can you pull the Leviathan with a fish hook? or tie down his tongue with a rope? Can you put a cord through his nose or pierce his jaw with a hook?"
Job replied.....
"No Sir.
But Steve Irwin can"

 

Good old frosh week. The Dean of Mathematics told us this classic, but modified it to be more fitting for the University of Waterloo Math/Engineer rivalry.


Three University of Waterloo Mathies and three University of Waterloo Engies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Engies each buy tickets and watch as the three Mathies buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Engie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Mathie.

They all board the train. The Engies take their respective seats but all three Mathies cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Engies saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference the Engies decide to copy the Mathies on the return trip. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Mathies don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Engie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Mathie.

When they board the train, the three Engies cram into a restroom and the three Mathies cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Mathies leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Engies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

Not a joke, but still funny:

<Robyn> If the spam I receive is representative of America, then there must be many fat women married to men with tiny penises

From Bash.org

 

"Bad news," said the mechanic. "We checked the alignment of your tires. They're chaotic evil. You have to wait a few days while we get a cleric."

 

23 People have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin. Police believe Irish Muslims have set of the first NO MORE NAILS bomb...

 

Q: Why is Santa always happy?

A: He knows where all the naughty girls live!

 

Especially dedicated to Shell.


In this life I'm a woman. In the next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear you get to hibernate. You do nothing for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you are supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you are a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping, and wake up to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you are a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone and anything that bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you are a bear, your partner EXPECTS you to wake up growling, have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

 

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before
the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American
team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management
decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management
Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend
appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing
and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one
person rowing. American management hired a consulting company and paid them
an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were
steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to
the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was
totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also
implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the
boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality
First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. We must
give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a
new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new
equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior
executives.

 

<gwizz> so i broke our microwave today
<gwizz> luckily best buy still sold the same model
<gwizz> so i go get it, bring it home, set it up, and hide the box in my car
<gwizz> my parents get back and my mom goes 'did you clean the microwave?'

quoted from bash

 

I heard a joke when I was a kid, but I'm not sure I remember it right...

Superman is flying around Metropolis. As he flies next to a building, he see Wonder Woman moaning as she is bended over (naked). Superman thinks "Wow that's my chance!". So, like a (gigling) speeding bullet, he flies in, does his thing and flies out, just under 2 seconds.
Back in the room :

Wonder Woman : Why did you stop?
Invisible man : Something strange just happened to me...

 

Hahaha, that was really good! Those gamers were really stupid!

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys (the new Christmas must have toy). The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end
of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"


Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

I nearly spat coffee on the screen...

 

A Galwayman, Dublinman and Kerryman apply to join the Gardai.

The Galwayman does his interview which goes
fine. The last question he is asked is "Who killed Jesus Christ?" to
which he replies Pontious Pilate.
"Very good" says the superintendent, "you
can start on traffic duty".

The Dublinman does his interview which also
goes fine and he answers the question about who killed Jesus Christ
and is assigned to traffic duty.

The Kerryman goes in for his interview which goes fine and he is asked who
killed Jesus Christ. "I don't know" he answers.


The superintendent tells him to go to the library across the yard and begin
checking the bible.On the way he meets the Galwayman and the
Dublinman who already have their traffic uniforms on and are taking to the
streets.

"What are you up to?" the Kerryman asks.
They both reply that they are already starting on traffic duty.


"Traffic duty?!" says the Kerryman, "Jayzus, I've been assigned to a
murder case!!!"