Relationship Rant Thread #3

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Ok, this is really intimidating...and getting a bit old as well, since I've posted here about almost every crush I've had since breaking up with my ex...

But I'm actually going out on a date! I mean it's a date[/] date! Not just agreeing to have a cup of coffee between two friends who just happen to be of opposite sex, but something she and I are both looking forward to...

This is a different girl than the last one I mentioned about in here by the way. Nothing's going to come out of that and better off that way...

She likes me. She likes me! I like her! I'd like her even if she wouldn't like me! But we're speaking the same language! We're on the same wavelenght! We're even on the same planet!

Even a girl being interested in me would be intimidating enough, but this girl, letting her feelings be known...heavens!

It takes a very special girl to get with me this far, since well, as much as I'd want to in some sense to be a regular guy, I get a lot of comments of me being weird even if I'd be my normal self. But that doesn't take much since listening and admitting that I listen to classical music and like radio talk shows is considered weird with most people of my age that I know...but that kind of thing hasn't put her off (as of yet). Whee!

I mean do you know how hard it is to find a girl who likes jazz, classical music, pop, rock and metal? Who reads a lot of books, is into making music, arts and oriental thinking and doesn't like drinking alcohol?

I know there's plenty of such girls somewhere, but the thing is that you just don't go into a bar and pick those girls up. Heck, you don't even go to an arts course and pick those girls up. There isn't a single pickup line that would work on those girls. They're unpickable! It's like she sees something which she likes, which is me(!) and she lets me know that she likes me and bam! There you have it, I'm wrapped around her finger like nobody's business. (and pray tell, or rather, don't tell what mental images that sentence brings in your mind)

Of course things could go horribly wrong, but me being so worried of things going horribly wrong is definitely a sign of that something really good might come out of this. I mean I didn't have this feeling about my previous crushes during this year, or well, maybe ever! Partly because now I know how things can go horribly wrong, but partly because I have such a good feeling about this...

This is like, wow, amazing! It's not a question of "wonder if she likes me" anymore, like with the other girls I've been infatuated with. Now it's a question of "How royally I can screw this up?" but Hi ho, Silver! This lone rider might have some prospects to look for in the near future after all!

 

... suffice to say, the situation in my last post imploded to the point where my friend and two mutual frinds no longer talk to me. the boy in question, on the other hand, does, and that is a marked success from some things in the past.

I was told by someone that i should keep my hands off the wrong person next time, but I can only say that theis guy? He was the most right person I have ever enountered. it was just the wrong timee, place and everything, so it is never going to go anywhere.

...

and now that I got over that, I have a new dilemma. there is a guy I met, whom I think I like.. except, i am not sure if I like him because of him - as in becuase he is funny, cute, nice, et cetera et cetera - or if the "Wheee!" I get every time I talk to him comes from the fact that hhe knows some people I want to desperately meet.

 

Happens to everyone.

Congrats. It's also nice and cheering to see you are going out on a romantic date only after getting some feelings out of the closet as opposed to people who need some making out first to see if they match.

Hehe, I hear you. You've actually made me smile. Hear me laughing.

Yeah, I appreciate that too. It's either honest or courageous (or both) and both are good.

Credo in unum Deum... How is this for putting off?

I do have an idea.

You do, you do. You just need better lines. But it won't last long if you don't have anything to back them up with.

Easy, easy. I'm a couple years past my hormonal hype. I don't even want to know what you had though I could possibly imagine.

That stage has its problems too... But you know this.

 

I'm inlove with my best friends mum. And I wish I was joking...

We've talked nearly every day and night for almost 4 years, and despite the big age gap there is just this beautiful connection of two minds. No matter what comes up against us, our relationship remains rock solid.

Is there any social stigma associated with older woman/younger man relationships? I don't have a problem with it personally, but most people I know do have a problem with it.

 

Nataraja, the social stigma depends partially on just how big the age gap, but there will always be some stigma there. At least here in sunny California. But if the people you surround yourself with don't have issues with it, then it doesn't matter, right? Also, so far as I know the stigma decreases as you age.
I think the bigger question you have to ask yourself is if your friend is o.k. with it...

 

My friend knows that his mum and I talk, I think he doesn't mind. I'm sure he knows how I feel about her, I've had feelings for her since I was quite young. The gap is 21 years, and I am 25. Part of the problem though is she is married. My friend and I talk every day, even if we don't see each other for a month or more at a time. Don't really think he takes the relationship seriously.

For a long time I was uncomfortable about how I felt, but it has gradually started feeling comfortable. I mean, she is the same age as my own mother...yet we just keep getting drawn closer together, then pull away a bit, then come closer, then pull away a little bit less...and so on...

 

I stopped right there... too many sion's and ism's for me

 

As to the whole extrovert vs. Introvert bit...
An extrovert gathers his/her happiness from others, or more accurately, is more comfortable around others. An Introvert is more comfortable around him/herself. This does not necesarily mean that an introvert would be egotistic, or would fabricate some complex lie to lead on the partner he/she is cheating on. By the same token, being an extrovert does not make one forward and direct. An extrovert is just as likely to manipulate the people that he/she surrounds him/herself with as an introvert is likely to manipulate the person he/she is dating. Furthermore, an introvert is not "looking our for number one". An introvert may enjoy his/her own company, but that doesn't equait selfishness. That said, this is not the alley, so I don't want to get into a huge argument. Chev, I think that your theory of the pro's/con's of extroverts and introverts may be applicable in some circumstances, but it is also important to note that no one is entirely an extrovert or introvert. You're right too, that no-one can say what kind of girl is best for a man. We all just have to find the person we love the most.

 

<<Gotta dump the other half later on. The relationship's just not goin anywhere even though that might be a one-sided statement. Really scared about it, it's almost as hard dumping someone as it is getting dumped.

The whole situation is, of course made a little bit more complex by the fact that I'm in love with my best friend.

 

Busy times at the RRT I see...

@Nataraja: Um, are they happily married? Living together? Involved with each other as a married couple? Then I'd say that enjoy what you've got: a person who you like very much and with whom you get along fine and can have great conversations and leave it at that.

If it's marriage only in a legal sense and they don't live under the same roof, then I don't think there's nothing wrong with having a relationship with an older woman. It will have some difficulties compared to a relationship with a person of your own age, but relationships are never easy. At least you shouldn't expect them to be.

You might want to ask your friend would he be ok with that. If they're close, if your friend and his mom live in the same house it might be, no I'd think it'd be a serious issue. Handle it as such, be careful and don't assume too much. Being infatuated or in love with his mom and talking to her, even every day, is quite different from the two of you actually having a physical relationship.

@Arabwel: Aw, bummer. Too bad you lost the guy and the friend...good thing though that you can still talk to the guy. As for this other guy, well, he's got some friends you want to meet so those friends of his are definitely something you have in common and probably not the only thing if you think he's funny and cute and etc. Get to know him better. But try not to expect to meet his friends through him. After all it's not the things you hav ein common that necessarily count that much, but how well you get along with each other. Love grows between people as well as being a force that sweep you off your feet. These aspects of love don't rule each other out, so I'd say go for it.

@Jan Jansen: Umm, where do you expect the relationship to go? I'd say dumping a person would be only the last resort, only if it hurts too much to continue and only if more pain and difficulties can be expected from the future. Try to talk it over. Not to talk about you dumping the other one, but try to have a serious conversation about your relationship and where you'd want it to go. Maybe the solution will present itself that way. It won't be easy but if you come to a mutual agreement on the matter of either getting separated or continuing together, it might be worth it.

Being in love with your best friend is a tricky one, but how do you know that the possible relationship would be any better from the one that you already have? Of course the fact that the one that your considering of sumping isn't your best friend might be an obvious clue, but still. Love's a fleeting thing sometimes and it might even be only a wild crush. Don't rush headlong into anything.

 

@ Iko, the relationship between me and my best mate is a no-go for sure as I am the wrong gender! That's not why I'm leaving my current partner, things have just gone downhill on a massive scale. You should not have the urge to ignore the phone when your partner is calling you for instance. Is all done now anyway, it went quite well. I'm once more part of the single population.

 

@deepfae: That's just speculation and examples. For each you can find a counter, as I did with yours. If you add moral canons and philosophical systems into the equation, things complicate and you can no longer predict that much. I wasn't saying what extro/introvert would do, as much as what would come easier. But I was talking from the point of view of absolute or near-absolute extro-/introversion (i.e. theoretical), not how it would work with this or that moral conviction or philosophical attitude. In real life, while most charity workers, missionaries, teachers and social workers will be extroverts, some will be introverts and while most egoists will likely be introverted, some extroverts will be plain energetic vampires and some introverts will be people with a lot of moral high ground who won't treat anyone badly or hurt in any way. Life is just more complicated than that, although you still find some generic samples.

@Nataraja: It makes me wonder... you asked first if there was a stigma associated with age differences but you didn't mention she was married. As if that were no reason for stigma at all. There surely is a stigma about age differences and it may have a point in case of particularly big ones, but you can't possibly be hoping that there's no stigma whatsoever associated with romancing married people. And for a good reason at that. Married is bonded and that's bonded with someone else than you.

 

Yeah, well, uh...just giving my

@Jan Jansen: Ok, fine. No worries. You fall for your best friend and your gender's wrong? It happens. So you broke up with your ex? Shame, but it happens as well. Good that it went well though. Seems like you weren't that well off together. Oh well.

 

@Jan: Are you certain that your gender will be an issue? Cause you can never relaly know. sexuali orientation is a very fluid thing, after all...

 

@chevalier...the marriage is pretty much dead, and has been for most of the duration of the marriage. So thats why I asked about the stigma of older woman/younger man relationships.

@Iku-Turso...no, they aren't happily married. Not in the least bit. My friends mum drinks nearly every day to cope with the stress of being married for the sake of the kids, which are adults now anyway but still live at home.

 

@Nataraja: Well then, she definitely needs someone to talk to. Good thing that she has you. But I'm not sure at all that anything other than talking would be a good thing. But a lot of big changes need to happen in her life before I'd say that a relationship with her would work out.

I think that you should wait a little longer, but it is a possibility that you'd discuss over the matter. Changing her situation by her getting romantically involved with a far younger man isn't necessarily going to help her much, but most probably will bring additional difficulties.

This might eventually work out, but she should confront her kids if she's living in a lie for their sake. This won't be an easy thing to do. And then there's always the question of what the husband thinks. It might not be a marriage of love for him either, but pride is a terrible thing especially when it's wounded so be careful, both of you. Work out the problems first, then see what happens.

 

I'm patient and not demanding anything. At the moment I'm quite happy with just talking and having coffee or lunch from time to time. I've gotten all Buddhist on her and told her that when your garden has weeds you need to kill the root, not just chop away at the leaves. I think she understands pratiityasamutpaada which is cool, and she is going to detox soon for alcohol. It's more of a kindred spirit thing than a 'hey lets get it on right now' thing. We understand what it is like to be each other.

 

Sounds like what every friendship used to be in the old day...

 

It is a very oldskool type relationship, and I find it is what people misunderstand the most. That's why I worry sometimes about what people will think when they look at us in public, not to mention the way our families will treat us. Her son, my best friend since I was 7, is the same age as me...yet he doesn't seem to mind. So I dunno...so confused...

 

I'm stuck... I got involved with a girl who wasn't really looking for a long term relationship (and at first I wasn't either -it's a long story) anyway I didn't expect to fall for her but I did. I'm still seeing her but it's not easy for me (or her).
I haven't felt like this for ages I don't know how it's going to turn out. I'm not a kid anymore so I should know better. Well it can't be helped I guess.