Relationship Rant Thread #5

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That remains to be seen. I've been through hell and back four years and a half ago.

 

Whatever happens, do your duty.

 

Just being my usual smart-ass.

 

Ok, quick question, met a woman back in April who was down from Darwin visiting her mother and basically step-father, we clicked like I wouldn't believe, within 4 days of having met her she told me things she'd only ever told her mother, we exchanged txt messages for months until (and even since) she moved here about 3 weeks ago. One exchange involved her telling me she'd moved in with her boyfriend to which I jokingly replied "I thought you were too keen on me to see anyone else , she then replied "I am/was but who knows when I'll see you again". Anyway, she told me about 2 months ago that she was moving here but wouldn't say when, only that she would come into my work and surprise me, which she did and I couldn't stop smiling for 3 days because of it, tbh I still break out into a huge smile when I talk about her. And frick, I lost my train of thought, suffice to say I honestly can't rememeber being this happy around anyone except my sons and I want to be as honest as humanly possible with her, she means that much to me even as just a friend.

Anyway, the question I want to ask is this: given that she has said before that she is keen on me and I've probably made it as clear as hell to her that I'm keen on her, should I tell her how I feel and possibly risk the friendship? Particularly because she has told me a fair bit about her most recent ex who was a complete a-hole to her even to the point of threatening her life?

She has said that she's done with planning her life, she's just gonna go with the flow and see what happens and I want to tell her how I feel about her but I also want her to know that I value her friendship above anything else.

And I'm gonna stop now before I ramble too much

 

Aldazar, you need to step back and ask this again after the cocaine wears off. 'Cause I'm exhausted from just reading your post.

 

Awww now, it's kinda nice to see someone so excited about someone else. Exhausting certainly, but nice.

Aldazar, given when I *could* decipher from your message, I think you should definitely mention something to her, but give her a bit to settle into living in a new place; also, you didn't mention how long it had been since the breakup with her ex, so you might want to take that into consideration. She may very well be waiting for you to say something, if she's already said how keen she is on you.

 

OMFG! Splunge, my parents thought I was tripping when I read this and suddenly started laughing out loud for real

I echo the sentiment though. Drank like half a bottle of Johnny Walker within maybe 3 hours plus beer last night. I'm in no condition to do hard stuff. Like read.

 

Oh crap, just re-read it myself and perhaps it was a bit, how shall I say, strange?

Anyway, I'll try to break it down to the basics:

1 - We met on a Tuesday back in April when she was down from Darwin visiting her mum and her mum's boyfriend, we clicked immediately and I spent about 2hrs after my shift finished just sitting and chatting with her, I left to go home and got about 20 metres before throwing caution to the wind and giving her my number. We exchanged a few text messages to organise our next night out.

2 - After 4 days of texting I told her about my sons and the failed relationships I had with each mother, she then turned around and told me something she'd only told a few other people shortly followed by something she'd apparently NEVER told anyone, we then spent about 9 hours together on the Sunday just drinking, talking and playing pool. The texting continued after she went home, including the aforementioned moving-in-with-the-boyfriend and being-keen-on-me texts

3 - Then in October sometime she told me she was moving here in February but wouldn't tell me when, she wanted to surprise me at work, this quickly changed to December. She did surprise me at work and immediately brightened an otherwise f'd up night, I couldn't stop smiling for something like 3 days and as I said I still break out into a HUGE smile when I talk about her or think about her

4 - Given my track record of behaviour I'm trying (quite successfully thus far) to keep that side of me in check because I know she's had a rough trot lately including various mental and emotional abuses, possibly even physical abuse, from this most recent ex. He even went so far as to make threats on her life with the aid of his friends

Afaik, the break-up was maybe two months before she moved here and she has made a few comments to the effect of just going with the flow for a while and not making any real plans, I also forgot (in my tipsy state) to mention that she got frustrated a week or so ago with people assuming we were together and not thinking that a guy and girl can be just friends

Actually perhaps that answers the question I have regarding whether or not to tell her I'm way keen on her but that I dont want to pressure her in any way and risk losing our friendship, that I'm just over the moon to have such an amazing girl in my life in ANY way. In case it doesn't the question is should a say something or just keep quiet?

 

Aldazar, your case sounds like my speciality. I always end up in such situations myself. I'll only wish you luck in finally finding someone you'll be able to settle down with.

 

That's the feeling I get with this girl, she just may be The One because I'm so comfortable around her and we clicked so quick and so well

 

Well, it's official, things are going nowhere with my friend. I'm not comfortable with the idea of being involved with someone who feels like a kid sister to me.

I've also grown to enjoy the perks of singledom like nobody's buisness. Sure, there's still the, ahh, carnal urges, but a 15-minutes cold shower takes care of that.

Show me a woman who's genuinely interested in me, and I'll show you a shower of flaming dogs.

 

Hmm, I've been wondering if it's not the fear of being rejected that makes people avoid getting into relationships, but the difficulty of believing that one could actually be loved by someone else...

 

That and a number of other reasons. Some people do as you say, some have complicated feelings for others, some fear they won't be able to put up with the responsibility, others yet just fear. Don't know, this is a pretty dysfunctional world. May I blame decline of marriage?

 

How could decline of marriage be a cause? Sounds more like symptom to me. Maybe the thing is that people these days expect too much. In earlier times there was marriage, yes, but "true love" wasn't such an issue back then, I think.

Myeah, fear rules the world, doesn't it?

 

I don't know, Uytuun, but yes, you might be right. After all, people have their heads full of Hollywood films and they don't really take real-life situations the same way as those were taken before. People used to be concerned with starting a family. These days more with not getting shortchanged. I think everyone's full of his own vices and I'm the best example of that. If we were all so perfect, we probably wouldn't need one another.

 

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm one of the many, many people for whom both these apply, I have a great fear of rejection probably because of my low self-esteem, the only times I actually feel good about myself are when I'm with my youngest son (the one I see often) and when I'm at work, and only lately when I'm in the sompany of this new friend, and it's this last that scares the crap out of me because I feel more vulnerable with her than I've ever felt before, I'm trying to embrace and learn from that though and of course it's a slow process. Perhaps if that was something more people did than the sorry state of relationships would be on the mend?

 

Possible, Aldazar, possible. If people were more prepared to learn and less to presume they already know everything, the world would be a better place. Now that we're in the admitting mode, I can say I have the same fear of rejection you talk about. I can control it mentally, but it gets my body physically ill sometimes. It's horrible. But it only triggers when I care. As I'm not made of different clay than everybody, I suppose it's a general rule that if you care, you fear rejection. Perhaps people don't care so much these days, so it's not more general. Women have it worse than we do, though, from what I've heard. They don't have so much opportunity to be rejected as we do, but once it happens, it's worse for them than it is for us.

But there's only way to do something: actually do it. And only one way to develop courage: just do it. Therefore no matter how you look at it, you just have to do it. Some people say they can sleep when they're dead. Same could be said about healing some scars from rejection. I've figured if you talk it over and over and overanalyse, the consequences are also far less dire than if you actually do it. You gather your courage, you get a yes or no, you build a relationship or you move on, no rotting wounds dragging on forever.

 

I wouldn't idealise the past. Every era has its own problems.

 

Yeah, that's what I always say too. I'm a failure or a historian after all, hehe. Seriously, though, I don't envy the past eras' problems with domestic violence, enslavement of women in the lower castes, while regarding marriage as a political affair in the upper ones, you know what we're talking about. At the same time I don't like the current state of things. I think it's too loose, too irresponsible, too afraid of commitment and unable to get over simple things. You surely have noticed that people don't really want to work on relationships. They generally prefer to take a new chance with someone else and even years into marriage they believe they deserve a second chance with a different person rather than the same one. And since everyone is fallible, the new relationships are likely to end the same way.

 

I guess it's safe to say then that most everyone fears the loss of that which matters most to them, and this is usually the case with relationships more than anything else? Unless of course you're mysoginistic (or whatever the female version is, unless in their laziness people use this term to refer to both genders?) in which case it would be general practice to constantly jump from relationship to relationship and never feel true fulfillment. Maybe it's just become an unfortunate part of human nature that we in general aren't prepared to work hard at something that really matters. Certainly a sad turn that is.