Relationship Rant Thread #5

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Pedestal - good if you're chivalrous and respectful. Works for both genders. Bad if you ignore flaws and hold the person to a flawless standard. Firstly, it's bad for you, as well as inconsistent with reality, if you pretend flaws don't exist - although being lenient may well be very charitable and a good thing. It's bad if you expect the person to meet some superhuman standards or be your everything. I know not all of you are believers, but let me use a semi-theological example: if you expect a mortal to be your everything, you're basically holding that person to divine standards and expecting from him/her what only God can give you (i.e. be your everything). If you aren't a religious believer, this should still help you see what I'm talking about.

As for honesty, yes, it's great, but bluntness isn't always. There are also some things the other person doesn't need to know about. It helps nothing and it only poses problems. Obviously, it's one thing if you don't tell and another if you don't tell when asked, let alone if you lie. I generally think a lie isn't worth it, not telling when asked should be severely limited, but not telling may sometimes be reasonable. Similarly, not asking what you don't really want to know, might be reasonable. E.g. I don't need or want to know details of previous relationships or some excesses of a young age. Similarly, I don't need to know what it took to stay faithful in some cases, e.g. how hot some other guy was or how difficult it was to avoid him. I don't need graphic details of what was thought of me in anger, either. The hypothetical other person doesn't need to know the details of how I changed my mind on certain bad things or what exactly went on in or with my previous relationships, or some of my experiences from childhood or young age - sharing such secrets isn't warranted right off the bat. This list extends.

 

To paraphrase chev:

I agree wholeheartedly and I guess that's where this time I'm quite...I don't know if 'scared' is quite the right word but nervous doesn't quite get there for me. Anyway, I've been majorly guilty of having my expectations too high in the past and have basically idealised a couple of the girls I've been in relationships with. As I said in my last post, I acknowledge the flaws I've seen in her so far and in fact they add to the attraction I guess because she has shown that she is indeed - as I suspected - a real, every-day human being and that I guess is where:

comes in...when she shared the couple of things she shared waaay back in April, 4 days after we'd met, things she said she's never told anyone else except perhaps her mother, it kinda reinforced for me that she felt a similar connection as I - that being that it was like we'd known each other for ages and she was comfortable enough and trusted me enough that I wouldn't judge her and shut her out. I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I do agree that most of the time sharing deep-darks is probably not a good idea, there are too-rare occasions when we feel safe in voicing things that we feel need voicing and if there is that mutual safe feeling then the sharing usually only strengthens the bond.

I may seem like I'm on one of my drunken ramblings but I can assure you I'm as sober as I get. I'm not trying to discount what chev has said, I guess I'm just trying to say that for myself I feel I've found someone I can be almost completely open and honest with and she seems to feel the same. And though I certainly DO want more than just friendship with this quite wonderful young woman, I'd be ok if that's how we stayed because this feeling that I can open up to someone in person without fear of reprisal is just brilliant.

 

No disagreement between us. The more you can share, the better. Even if some things are best not shared too early (some need to be - so as to avoid disappointments in the future), and perhaps some not at all, although I'd have reservations about the latter.

 

Honesty is ALWAYS the way to go, regardless of the consequences.

 

My problem is that while I love my gf, I feel the same way about a friend of hers, and have done since waaay before meeting the gf. Problem is, the other girl was in a relationship which has now broken up. I told the other girl how I felt, cos she kinda talked me into it, and she told me that she used to feel the same way, but since I;ve become attached, she tries not to think about me in that way. I asked her if she would if I were single, and she said she doesn't know.

Hence, problems.

 

Oh my god daie. That sounds like a story-arc in One Tree Hill or some other series like it

no such thing. oh, you can love them both, but there's no such thing as feeling the same for both. There's always a winner, a preference, if you will. You have to figure out which one then act accordingly.

however, if I were to venture a guess based just on that last post, it looks like your actual gf is in trouble. people that are satisfied in a relationship generally don't tell some other person that they're into them or ask if it would be reciprocated "if they were single".

not really a big problem, you just have to choose. easier said than done, I'm sure.

 

Looks like your mouth has gotten you into trouble against your will, Daie, eh?

The keywords here are "used to feel the same way" and "doesen't know".

Let's dissect this: If the breakup is fresh, it could be that she's still reeling. If it's not, well, she's a could-have-been and nothing will come out of it.

My advice? Do what you feel is best. But be DAMN careful.

 

@Daie, perhaps her mention of trying "not to think about me in that way" and not knowing what would change if you were single is her attempt at a nice, easy way to not lead you on? Or is that just my reading based on my interpretation when I've been in similar situations in the past?

 

...I had to listen to the girl in question talking for AN HOUR! last night about how horny she is, and how she's upset that she doesn;t know anyone who's single that she wants to sleep with.

We'll put it this way. I'm about 99% sure that if I were single, she'd jump me. And I don't know whether I should be single or not.

 

Ok, dumb question time...

The girl in question, is your attraction mostly physical? I mean I understand that you've had feelings for her since way back before meeting your current gf so I guess what I should ask is have you built her up in your mind to the 'pedestal' level as chev mentioned previously?

Like, great one I am to be giving advice considering the situation I'm in but one thing I've always tried to do (but as often as not failed) when I've been in a relationship and been attracted to someone else is to try to figure out what the attraction is and where the stronger feelings lie.

Anyway, the big test for me personally, at the risk of getting graphic, is how any kind of fantasies go involving whoever my feelings are torn between, what kind of level they reach. For example, this particular girl I've mentioned lately, I just can't seem to fantasise about her past the cuddling stage, it just feels...wrong...to go any further, perhaps it's a respect thing, perhaps not

Ah crap, rambling again, I guess what I'm trying to say is who do you feel you would have the most fulfilling relationship with, or rather the kind of relationship you're most looking for, the most lasting one if that's what you're looking for.

Either way, good luck Daie, hope I've helped even a little bit, cos maybe by helping you I'm able to help myself sort out my own crap, selfish as that may sound...I'm still confused as to where to go with my own situation

 

You make it sound like a bad thing, Daie.

No, seriously... to put it bluntly, Daie, she sound like the type of woman who would be, to put it bluntly just a f***.

If it's your thing, then go for it, man. Otherwise, stick to your long-term. The fruits of a long-term relationship exponentially outweight the pleasure of a quick tieless f***. I've been through both, so I know what I'm talking about here.

Still, the final call's your to make. Whatever you do, don't F*** up your long-term unless you're 100% sure of what you're doing.

 

a mi tambien. Like DotW, I've had both and agree with his assessment. However, its really more a matter of what you're looking for right now. If you really wanna bang this other girl, do it. But make sure its worth ending your current relationship over first. I'm pro-"do what you want" but I'm anti-cheating. Don't mess up your current girlfriend over this. If she's not going to win, cut her loose first.

My own 2 cents though? The other girl sounds like she's going to mess you up unless you think you're capable of just hitting it then quitting it.

Like I said, more a question of what you want at this point.

 

I can't say I agree with the idea of dumping a long-term just to bang another woman, but to everyone it's own, I suppose.

As for cheating? I'm partly against it too, though if a woman pushes me to the edge, the moral switch might trip and I might end up doing it. I have been both cheater and cheated in the past.

 

@DotW

Not exactly an even trade, but it depends on what he wants at this point. If he's not ready for a relationship, or a relationship with that particular girl, why drag it out? It'll mess her up more than him in the long-run I think and I don't like collateral damage. I've been cheated on but I've never cheated on anyone. Not that I never went out with more than one girl at any given time, but I never did that while in an actual relationship with someone.

 

He shoots he scores! Not

I went for it and told the girl I've mentioned recently that I really like her last night. A combination of me being drunk and her telling me she's going on a date with some f-wit, oops I mean bloke, soon. Didn't go down well. When she told me by txt she had a date lined up I replied with , she asked why I said I was scared to tell her for fear of ruining the friendship, she asked me to tell her cos she was confused as to why it would be ruined so I told her. Then she says "nah, it's not ruined, ur still a good mate" but she's worried bout hurting me...

Anyway, long story short, I fell flat on my face and screwed up royally and now hate myself for it. I always knew it would end up being one-sided, just couldn't help but hope...

 

Well, i have feelings of wanting to die. Was out tonight for the Beach Party night. Things started well, cos people were coming to drink at mine, inculiding Alison. Unfortunatley, Alison was bringing a friend that was up for the weekend. Anyway, to cut a long story short, they ended up pulling in the club, and she expressed no interest in me. So, yeh, giving up on that front. Gonna become a hermit, its so much easier. ARGH!!!!!!!!!

 

The funniest thing though, is that she said it won't ruin the friendship but when I asked her to tell me bout this new guy sh said she can't cos it wouldn't be right. IMO though, it would be the best way for us to move past my screw-up and show me that to her the friendship is still good and strong. Besides, as much as it'll pain me to know, I do care about her and do value her. I just want us to be able to move past this and get back to where we were, or as close as possible

 

We see eye to eye on that one, Enag. One cannot help but wonder, though, if he crushed on the horndog before his current gf, then why did he ended up going with his current gf? Consolation prize? Second best? That, too, is pretty bad.

And the fact you've never cheated on anyone? I salute you for it. I wish I could say the same, but I cannot.

And Aldazar, sorry to hear that. Look at it under a different angle: you have the exact time and date and you know exactly what to expect, so you can move on with peace of mind now. And as for the possible collateral damage on your friendship... time will fix that, if she's really your friend.

And Dalveen? You too have the exact time and date. Move on to something else.

 

Funny thing is, if I'd listened to my intuition in the first place I could have already moved on...I've had the feeling a number of times lately that 2 women in particular were trying to 'feel me out' so to speak but I just never really clicked to it fully any of the times I felt that...

 

Ugh.
The trials and tribulations of any form of internet relationship--though at this point I'm talking about a friendship (but it's still a relationship and I'm still ranting). I started talking to this guy randomly one night, and we realized we had a lot of things in common, so we exchanged emails. We've been emailing each other back and forth for about a week now--always pleasant and chatty and friendly, never any sign that he disliked talking to me. Quite the contrary, in fact. We actually chatted, not on email, night before last (again, very pleasant) and he had to run to a business lunch, and I haven't heard a peep from him since.
Now, I know one of the many pitfalls of trying to find any kind of relationship online is that they could decide that you're not actually interesting and never talk to you again, but I find it so bothersome and irritating. I know it's not easy or nice to tell someone that you don't find their company worth getting up the energy for (even though typing away online does require more energy than a regular friendship) but wondering what on earth I've done or not done is positively grotesque. I hate the feeling. Having your feelings hurt is somehow nicer than *imagining* that your feelings have been hurt. Ugh again.