Jokey Posties

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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

 

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

 

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn''t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn''t want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

 

Reminds me of a story I heard while in the Navy....

A US frigate was operating in the Tonkin Gulf during the Vietnam war. It was assigned a specific area to patrol -- an area of water often used for weapon deliveries to the Viet Cong.

A large object appeared on the radar and the frigate sped to intercept. A traditional warning was issued:

"Vessel off my port bow, this is the US Naval Warship off your port bow. You are approaching restricted waters protected by the United States of America. Alter your course to avoid entering restricted waters."​

There was no response. The frigate maneuvered to close the unknown vessel as it continued into the restricted area of the Tonkin Gulf. A second warning was issued:

"Vessel off my port bow, this is the US Naval Warship off your port bow. You are entering a war zone and are in extreme danger. Alter course immediately."​

There was still no response. At this point the frigate went to battle stations, manning it's 5" gun mount and multiple 40mm and 50 cal gun mounts. Missiles were put on the rails. The ship increased flank speed to close the unknown vessel as quickly as possible. Extreme force was authorized to prevent weapons from entering in-country and the frigate was prepared to use whatever force was necessary to fulfill their mission. A final warning was issued:

"Vessel off my port bow, this is the US Naval Warship off your port bow rapidly closing your position. You are in violation of entering a war zone protected by the United States of America. Come about immediately or you will be fired upon."​

After a moment a response finally came from the unknown vessel. A lazy southern drawl came across the radio with no trace of concern for the immediate danger the frigate and her massive weapon systems posed:

"This is the Battleship New Jersey. You may fire when ready."​

 

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Socrates

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?


Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'


James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

 

As a husband and his wife are in the bathroom getting ready to go to bed, the wife starts to examine her chest.

"Do you think I should get an enlargement?"

The husband thinks carefully about the entire process -- the pain , the costs, the rewards -- and states, "If you really want to, but you might want to try something else first."

This gets the wife curious, "What can I do instead?"

The husband hands her a piece of toilet tissue and says, "Rub this between your breasts."

The wife decides to humor her husband, grabs the tissue and wipes as directed. "Just how is this supposed to increase the size of my breasts?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your butt."

 

Here is a joke that I learned from my Polish friends:

Q: What is the similarity between Heineken and having sex in a canoe?

Spoiler

A: It's f***ing close to water.

 

I always liked that joke. Nice one, Montresor

 

That's hilarious

Anyway, did hear the Islamic High Council of Iraq is considering a merger of Sunni and Shi'a? They're going to call it Sushi.

 

This is hysterically funny

 

Good jokes, folks.

I'm going to go out a limb here because this is a joke made up by me. (I think)

G. Bush, Jr goes to Purgatory. An angel show him his accomodations confortable but not fancy then tells him that King Henry VIII is on his right and Bill Gates is on his left.

Bush wanders around a bit, shakes his head and decides to check out what is outside. He goes out and seets King Henry and Gates chatting. They greet him.

He looks around at the rather stark landscape.

I" just don't understand why I'm here and not in heaven. I only did what God told me to do."

King Henry replies with a snort, "You don't understand? Why am I here? I only did what I told God was what should be done."

Bill Gates moans, "You two? What about me. I'm God."

 

This news just in:

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

 

Good one, Montresor.

 

Another item from my inbox....

A woman walks up to a pharmacist and ask for some arsenic. The pharmacist is taken back by the request and asks, "What do you need arsenic for?"

The woman replies, "I'm going to kill my husband with it."

The pharmacist can't believe the woman would ask for such a thing and starts to berate her for even thinking of killing another person. The woman listens calmly to the pharmacist, reaches into her purse, pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and hands it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist studies the picture for moment and says, "Well that's a different matter. You should have told me you had a prescription."