Depression

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It's good to hear that you could talk to someone, and I have to say, I'd go to my mum first in a case like this too.

Furthermore, I'd second T2B's and dmc's comments on excercising. Even without losing weight, you'll feel better about yourself as you get into shape and even during sports you'll feel better because of the endorphins your body is releasing. Just pick a sport that you like as you'll keep it up longer.

I know it got me through some more difficult periods. Like you, I was without a girlfriend for a very long time and by the time I was approaching 30 it was getting me down too. Still a virgin at 30 and no-one I'd call a friend, but biking, running and swimming kept me feeling good about myself at least, even if nothing was actually changing in my life. And then I met a wonderful girl anyway.

As for finances, take a good look at your income and expenses and cut the non-critical expenses (newspapers, phone bills, bar visits) until it starts looking a bit more positive.

/edit
And I agree with MoN that it's a good idea to clean. I'll quickly do the floor as well

 

Hi Barmy, glad to hear you've made a start. Most people will have gone through periods like this and will at least know people who have got professional help. Don't be afraid to talk, you'll feel better after it. Part of what's affecting you is probably how you're worried about how others will react. They'll be fine.

All this stuff is fairly normal at your stage of life. I'm the same age as you and my weight has ballooned over the past two years or so. Granted I looked like I was made of match sticks before but it's weird seeing a bit of a belly on me and I'm having to replace loads of my clothes. Someone has to be the last to get hitched.

Not that many people actually meet the love of their life as some stranger on a night out. I know how lonely it feels to be at home alone when I used be out with the lads but I'd separate that from the finding a girlfriend problem. One bonus is that when you are meeting up with them there's likely to be more girls around which you naturally start talking to. I went years without a date and I had no confidence to chat up women as I presumed they wouldn't be interested. But about a year ago I went along to the birthday party for my housemate's girlfriend and immediately hit it off with one of her friend's. I still don't know why she was interested but things can change just like that.

I'd suggest taking up an interest, preferably one with mixed people involved. Tag rugby, rowing, art, whatever you're into or think you might be into. It'll get you out of the house and enjoying yourself. And expanding your circle of friends. You may not meet the girl there but maybe one of them might introduce you to a friend of their's.

 

I wanted to post earlier, but I had to leave for work, so I'll post now. I've had lots of periods of depression. The biggest was when I was unemployed after failing my comprehensive exam for the Russian department, where I was a grad student. I didn't have suicidal thoughts, but I completely neglected myself. I didn't change light bulbs, so it would just be dark in some rooms. I never dusted or vacuumed, or did any other cleaning. I put dirty dishes in the refrigerator so that they wouldn't attract bugs. I would get up at 5pm, write all night, and then go to bed at seven in the morning. I had friends, but I never saw them.

My "therapy" was writing. It helped, but it wasn't enough. I learned things about myself though. I learned that I should never try being a full-time professional writer. I need to see people, even if they aren't friends, and if I don't have a reason to, it's too easy for me to just become a hermit. I learned that while it's okay to occasionally avoid housework, if I let it go too long, there's probably another problem. I need to feel like I'm good at something, which means I need to do things and fail and try again, rather than giving up. I need to go outside and be in nature, even if it's not pleasant (like if it's too cold). I need to find things that make me laugh.

I don't know if any of that is helpful, since clearly, we are two different people, but I wanted to let you know that I've been there, and will probably be there again. I have developed strategies, and I'm sure you will develop your own strategies. Just pay attention to yourself. Try to break the habits that draw you further into the depression (in my case, spending too much time on the computer and not having a decent sleep schedule, and avoiding people), and find the things that tend to make you feel even a little better.

Personally, I haven't had much success with professional help. Maybe I just haven't found the right person, but typically, either they flatter me (and then, I don't believe them) or they tell me things I already know (but don't know how to implement). I've also learned that sometimes, I need to get things off my chest, and I need to talk about my problems, but other times, if I start talking about the problem, I make it worse. I have to notice when I'm getting myself into a "make-myself-feel-worse" cycle and stop talking. Then, it's usually a good idea to take a walk or shower or something physical and refreshing. Or immerse myself in something else like a book or video game (ideally one with humor).

Hope that helps, and I hope you feel better soon. Depression really is a struggle, but it's not the end. Oh, and the "you'll be okay" thing: it did help me. I was able to say, "I'm okay. I might not be happy, but at least, I'm okay."

 

Had it several times. I still get depressed now adays somwtimes too, but it allways passes. I find that disconecting my thoughts, works rather well. Take long walks, play games, watch movies. Stuff like that. Reading works very well too. Mostly I find that movies I liked as a kid (games too) works really well for this. Pushes me towards a "happy place", I guess.

 

Hey Barms, sorry I didn't see this until it got moved to this forum.

I don't want to just reiterate what others have said, but I would like to point out that there's a big difference in being depressed and suffering from depression. If you're depreseed because you don't have a girlfriend, are overweight, have a *****y job, etc., that could just mean you're really bummed out about how life's been treating you. It is possible to work through that with friends and family and turn things around.

However, if you actually have clinical depression, trying to "man up" or look on the bright side, and work your way through it on your own is most likely not going to work. I'm not suggesting you run off and find a mental health professional or anything like that, but some introspection may be in order to try to figure out why you feel this way, and what would help you feel better. For example, if you don't get any enjoyment from doing activities that you have typically enjoyed in the past, that's potentially a cause for concern.

As for being single when most of your friends are married, I know how that feels. I was 29 when I got married - Christ it's been almost 10 years now! - but at the time most of my friends were already married. And you're completely right that it sucks balls to be in that situation - you feel like a 5th wheel. And no matter how hard your mates try there is simply a different dynamic at work when they are married and you are not. (As a further sub-point, you'll also notice a further break down in dynamics with children. People that get married but don't have children are very different than those who do.) It is of no real surprise that of the two friendships I have maintained since high school are people who are like me in a lot of ways. But I will say that we weren't nearly as tight for the period beginning when they were married and I wasn't.

I suppose one thing I could suggest is checking out a dating site... When I moved to a new area, and didn't know anyone, I actually did this for a while. While I didn't find the woman I ended up marrying on the site, I did find it useful to "get me back in the game" so to speak. Perhaps my experience was unusual, but I found the whole process pretty decent overall. I mean, yes, there were a few instances where I realized during the first date with someone that not only was this the first date, but it also was going to be the last date, but they weren't all like that. Just remember that having game is like any other ability - if you don't use it, you may regress after a while. Get in the game to keep your game my man.

I think the most important part will be echoing joaquin's statement. What do YOU want? Do you think that things like finding a new job, losing weight, getting a girlfriend will make YOU happy?

 

Sorry for not commenting earlier.

I went though a depression earlier. Someone already mentioned the 2 weeks without feeling happy. It is a good guide and something I would consider going with if you are wondering if you should see a counselor (which is what I did). I think the first step towards feeling better for me was recognizing that I was depressed in the first place). Talking to a counselor was something I could do at the college I was going to.

My depression also involved covering up feelings that things were going out of control and a convoluted romantic situation.

Getting over depression doesn't mean you won't feel bad again, or old, or that you won't feel like you are falling behind your friends.

But one of the things I can tell you is that its good you talked about it to another human being.

You may feel like you're not living up to what you should be or are getting old but keep in mind you still have years to come and a number of chances to improve your life (even if you feel like you blew a chance you'll still have more).

Don't blow a chance on purpose, obviously, but if you try at something as you're getting over being depressed and it doesn't work out then don't feel like somehow that was your only shot in life. You're still (believe it or not this particular moment) young probably have chances.

You can go places to people-don't limit yourself to bars, parks or walking downtown, or striking up a conversation with someone at a bus stop even can all lead to meeting people. If it doesn't go well then see if you can learn from that when you try next time and, this is important, it is really really really really likely there will be a next time.

Also, I don't think this was the case with me but keep in mind the season. It is dark out compared to summer and you may be one of those people who gets depressed without enough of the right kind of light. I have an aunt like that and reading by a certain kind of lamp helped with that. Though my personal thought is you already have an idea of how you got depressed this time. You have been having a combination of lack of girl, finance, and age problems.

These are fixable-except for age but exercise can help compensate for that as well as recognizing that you're not that old yet and enough time to turn around some of the things that have been going wrong in your life.

 

Oh, I wanted to add: I was most depressed around the age of 30. A friend of mine is in her late 20s and worried about turning 30. 30 (and the surrounding years) are bad, at least for those of us in the last couple of generations. There's this expectation that what we are at 30 is what we're going to be the rest of our life, and if we're not settled (married, job, house, etc.), it can feel like failure. But it really does get better. 30s are actually not that bad, and more people than ever are taking longer to "get settled".

So, keep in mind that there is an age-related issue here: you're nearing 30 and that's a tough year. But it will pass. Eventually you'll be 32 or 33, and you'll realize that 30 wasn't that big of a deal.

 

My head is messed up for another reason now ><.

Because I felt I needed female company, I got speaking to this girl who I thought liked me. She's tried to chat me up in the past but I've never been bothered. However I've started talking to her and actually started to really like her, because she's easy to talk to and we get on really well. We have a laugh and share a lot of interests (she's a bit of a geek too, bless her). So I took her out for a drink, and we ended up coming back to mine for more drinks, and we had sex. I was actually really surprised by how dirty she was (hope that's not TMI) and I thought we had a great time. She text me the next day to say thanks, and she enjoyed the night... and then after, nothing. It's like I'm trying to break through a brick wall and it's confused the hell out of me. She's gone from being obviously interested in me, to giving me the cold shoulder and ignoring the shít out of me because we had a good night? I just don't know why, and I'm dying to know... but also don't know why I'm bothered about it, as I wasn't interested to begin with!

The only thing I can think of is that she was just in it for the 'thrill of the chase', because at first she realised I wasn't bothered and wanted the challenge. Christ - women! The last thing I need right now is a head-fúck.

 

If you ever figure them out Barmy, let me know.

 

She could have just been interested in the sex and when she got that she was satisfied. Women aren't that much different from men when all is said and done.

 

Don't count her out yet, I played a game of cat and mouse for months before my wife and I finally got together, some people find it hard to move up from being friendly with each other to being something more, she may be as messed up as you and drinks gave her a little push she wasn't quite ready for, on some levels she may be embarrassed about your night and on others her mind may be telling her that a romantic relationship isn't what she wants. Me and my wife became 'friends with privileges' several times when we'd been drinking only for her to freak out the next day, sometimes she'd text me that she just "wants to be friends" other times she'd avoid me. The only real advice I can give is to simply 'be there' keep trying to talk to her like you did before, when she becomes comfortable again invite her out again, try different activities not just drinking she needs to realise that she likes you and enjoys your company without the help of alcohol. Persevere with her.

 

She might be embarrassed. Sometimes people don't realize how far they are going until after. "It seemed like a good idea at the time" is a common rhetoric. Give her time ... send her flowers ... tell her most of the things you told us (don't focus on dirty).

She might just want a 'friend with benefits' but you need to let her know if you want more.

 

OK, this may be a bit out of line, but it needs to be put out there. You comment on how dirty she was, and how you had a good time. Now I'm certainly not asking for any additional details but perhaps your bedroom.... um.... capabilities... were not to her liking?

 

Hah, she didn't seem to get bored put it that way.

 

Sorry about that Tal. I knew I was close to the line when I posted it. I shall cease and desist.

 

I'm gonna have to go ahead and sort of disagree on some of the recommendations here ... if this is really just about luring her back to you for fun stuff, you should ignore her good-naturedly. Then she may wonder if she was wrong and start sniffing around again, while all the while you look the part of Mr. Stable guy who doesn't get too worked up over anything. This is fundamentally attractive, whereas being Mr. Needy guy who contacts her too often and sends her gifts when she doesn't want them will push her in the opposite direction.

This all assumes that only the most base and undignified compulsions are at play here. If there's more to it, just walk away with your dignity intact. She's not treating you with the respect you deserve.

And of course, all the above ignores what you actually posted about - that you're hurting from being mistreated. There's no cure for that, but you'll be okay.

 

I just wanted to add my two cents here and say that anti-depressants saved my life. I was suffering from depression like you describe in my early twenties; I couldn't get out of bed, didn't answer my phone or talk to anything, everything was just the same bland shade of grey and I didn't even care enough to be upset about it, I was totally unplugged. I resisted anti-depressants for a few years because of the stigma associated it with it and the fear that I would "lose" myself. Anyways, after a month of taking them tiny beams of light broke through the darkness and I "found" myself again. Within two months I was more active and had accomplished more than then two years I languished. The main thing is: don't give up hope and if you can afford it talk to a counselor.

 

I had a similar experience to Barmy when I was much younger - actually formally diagnosed with clinical depression as a teen - but regardless of that, I certainly empathize. I've been where he's at a few times in the last decade. I'll spare you all the specifics.

I don't really have time today (or these days, for that matter) to weigh in on this topic substantively. I just mainly wanted to say how impressed I am with Barmy and the brass balls it took to put himself out there like that. Not many men can do that so readily and in a genuine desire to improve themselves (as opposed to a straight-up pity-party). Seriously - brass ones.

So chin up, guv'nah – you're aces in my book, and you'll weather this. Just keep reminding yourself that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You've got a bright future.