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A british sense of humour

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Cúchulainn, Oct 21, 2004.

  1. Cúchulainn Gems: 28/31
    Latest gem: Star Sapphire


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    The Weakest Link, BBC1/BBC2

    Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
    Contestant: Jool carriageway.
    Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
    Contestant: Bombay.
    Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
    Contestant: Crocodiles.
    Robinson: Wh...?
    Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
    Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels,
    travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
    Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
    Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written
    by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
    Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
    National Lottery Jet Set, BBC1
    Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
    initials G.B.S.?
    Contestant: William Shakespeare.
    Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol
    Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
    Caller: Japan.
    Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
    that, I can let you try again.
    Caller: Er... Mexico?

    Family Fortunes, ITV
    1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
    2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
    3) Name the Capital of France? F
    4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
    5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
    6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
    7) What is Hitlers first name ? Heil
    8) A famous Scotsman? Jock
    9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
    10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs
    11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water
    12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
    13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
    14) A famous Royal ? Mail
    15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with
    wings
    16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
    17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
    18) Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate
    19) A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on
    20) Something associated with pigs ? The Police
    21) A sign of the Zodiac ? April
    22) Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing
    23) Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep
    24) Something you put on walls ? A roof
    25) Something Slippery ? A conman
    26) A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish
    27) A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam
    28) A food that can be brown or white ? A potato
    29) Something sold by gypsies ? Bananas
    30) Something Red? My sweater

    The Afternoon Programme Quiz, ABC 774
    Presenter: Who killed Cock Robin?
    Contestant: Oh God, I didn't even know he was dead.
    Lincs FM phone-in
    Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
    Contestant: Barcelona.
    Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
    Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in
    Spain.
    Steve Wright Show, Radio 2
    Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
    Contestant: India.
    Wright: The leader of the orchestra plays which musical instrument?
    Contestant: The baton.
    Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
    Contestant: Expresso.
    Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
    Contestant: Sydney.
    Wright: What was the animal referred to in Val Doonican's song Paddy
    McGinty's?
    Contestant: I don't know.
    Wright: It begins with a "G".
    Contestant: Cow.
    This Morning, ITV
    Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera.
    True or false?
    Contestant: True ?
    Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV
    show, so I'll give you that.
    BBC Radio Newcastle
    Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel
    last?
    Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
    Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC
    Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
    Contestant: Four.
    BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show
    Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
    Contestant: Er...
    Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
    Contestant: Blimey?
    Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
    Contestant: (Silence)
    Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
    Contestant: Walked?
    Daryl's Drivetime, Virgin Radio
    Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
    Contestant: Holland?
    Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
    Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
    Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
    Contestant: No.
     
  2. Yirimyah Gems: 11/31
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    Oh, god. As they say, these people vote?
     
  3. Cúchulainn Gems: 28/31
    Latest gem: Star Sapphire


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    Yes its scary that people like the above actually exist.
     
  4. BigStick Gems: 13/31
    Latest gem: Ziose


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    Let 'em vote, I say. Just don't let them breed! :eek:
     
  5. Enagonios Gems: 31/31
    Latest gem: Rogue Stone


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    hehe we have something similar to this in the Philippines called "Battle of the Brainless" :p but are these people TRYING to look stupid in order to be funny, or are they... just stupid?
     
  6. Pac man Gems: 25/31
    Latest gem: Moonbar


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    Don't forget...there aren't any stupid people, just stupid questions. :D
     
  7. Shell

    Shell Awww, come and give me a big hug!

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    I'm ashamed to be English :toofar:
     
  8. Aldeth the Foppish Idiot

    Aldeth the Foppish Idiot Armed with My Mallet O' Thinking Veteran

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    What is the capital of Australia anyway? Melborne?
     
  9. Takara

    Takara My goodness! I see turnips everywhere

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    Canberra IIRC
     
  10. Falstaff

    Falstaff Sleep is for the Weak of Will Veteran

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    Sydney!

    :D
     
  11. Son of Bhaal Gems: 17/31
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    Right there with ya Shell, oh the shame...
     
  12. Kam Gems: 15/31
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    Wow, that's almost as bad as Jaywalking...

    Those people make me embarassed to be an American.
     
  13. SleepleSS Gems: 24/31
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    This is funny and scary at the same time!
     
  14. Wordplay Gems: 29/31
    Latest gem: Glittering Beljuril


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    Quite good answers and I bet *someone* has spend more than a little time thinking them before posting. ;)
     
  15. Barmy Army

    Barmy Army Simple mind, simple pleasures... Adored Veteran

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    You get idiots everywhere.
     
  16. Harbourboy

    Harbourboy Take thy form from off my door! Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Very funny.

    Reminds me of the time New Zealand boxer David Tua appeared on Wheel of Fortune, asked to 'buy a vowel' and when asked which vowel, replied "P".

    Also reminds me of the guy on an Australian radio station who would was up for winning some prize and all he had to do was spell the name of the rock band "AC/DC". They gave him several attempts (given that it was supposed to be a no-brainer formality) but he kept replying "AD/CD" despite the announcers saying very slowly "How do you spell A-C-D-C.....?"

    Yes, there are idiots everywhere. Lucky SP is full of such intellectuals.
     
  17. Tassadar Gems: 23/31
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    Veteran

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    You'd hope!

    I remember the AC/DC thing, cracked me up for days.
     
  18. teekc Gems: 23/31
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    weakest link, singapore chinese version, debut, last year ....

    Q: what was stored in a camel's hump?
    A: milk
     
  19. Cúchulainn Gems: 28/31
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    Anyone remember the page 3 edition of Weakest Link? I remember there being some classic answers from the 'models'.
     
  20. Jaguar Gems: 27/31
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    Veteran

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    I have never felt so smart as I do now. :D
     
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