A couple of Jokes

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Three guys go to the SAS training camp and wait for instructions. A commander meets them. He looks at the first man.
"Right, son, to prove your worth we have your wife tied to a chair in the next room. Take this gun and kill her, only then will you be accepted."

The man nods, takes the gun and goes inside. He comes back out a few seconds later. "No way thats my wife." The commander has him thrown out.

He looks at the second guy. "Same situation heres a gun." Hoiwever the second man can't do it either. "For god's sake, have you got the courage."He says to the third man.

The third takes the gun and walks inside. There is silence until two gunshots are heard. The commander hears commotion in the next room with shouting and screaming. The sounds of furniture being broken can be heard too. The third man comes out. The commander asks "What happened?"

The third man is covered in blood. "Some git put blanks in the gun, so i killed her with a chair."
**************************
A blonde dyes her hair brunette because she is fed up of people calling her stupid. One day she is driving her car when she stops by a farmer out with his sheep.

She asks-"See if you can't guess my natural hair colour in three goes can i have that sheep." Pointing to the animal beside the farmer.

"Brunette???"

"No, guess again."

"Blonde!"

"Dammit. How did you know???"

"It's a dog."

************
True these may not be very funny but who cares.

 

Heh. Not bad. But step aside for da masta...!

George W. Bush's dementia finally kills him.

Naturally he goes to hell, where Satan says, "I don't know what to do
with you, you're on my list, but we're full up. You definitely have to
stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do, I've got three folks
here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George
thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and
over again. Such was his fate in hell. "No!", George said. "I don't
think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all
day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
said George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms folded behind his head, and his legs staked in a
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she
does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and
finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go"

 

Finally - a joke from Barmy that I've heard before!

Still, damn funny (like his others )

And Lawless's jokes weren't too shabby, either.

 

Thats brilliant. Hilarious.

 

ROFL Barmy!!

 

Lord... That's either sickness, or genius. I'd rather not contemplate which too much

 

*snickle*

Oh, that was a goood one...

 

Barmy that one was cool! i already knew the other two...

 

I'm sure I've heard those before, but good old jokes never fail to make me laugh anyways.

 

Funny stuff.

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

 

I'll post one I heard a wee while ago. It's not as good as Barmy's, but it's alright.

A woman is walking past a building, when she sees on the door "Enter to find your perfect man." She has plenty of time on her hands, so she decides to have a look.

As she opens the door, she sees another door just inside, a sign, and a staircase to the side. First she goes to the sign and reads it. It says "On each level of the building there is a door, which will lead to a room with a man inside. On the front of the door there is a sign giving the man's description. Once you have gone up a level, you cannot go down again."

She looks at the sign on the first door that says "Handsome man. Loves to do the cooking." she seems quite impressed, but wonders what could be on the next level, so she decides to go upstairs.

The next door reads "Extremely handsome man, loves to do the cooking and cleaning." She's very impressed this time, but still wonders what could be upstairs, and because this one was an improvement on the last man, she goes upstairs.

This door reads "Extremely handsome man, loves to do the cooking and cleaning, is looking for a long term relationship and loves children." This time she thinks wow! But she wonders what could be better than this man and rushes up the stairs.

On this door the sign reads "This room is empty, because women are never satisfied."

 

Here's a little something that made me laugh a lot. Sadly, it is also fairly true, more often than not.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you..... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,.... Just to get a little sausage. ...

 

lol I haven't heard any of those b4.
All of my good ones can not be used in public.
Is anyone looking? No? Ok I'll take my chances.

Johny is in his 5th grade math class and the teacher ask the class " there are 3 birds on the phone line and a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" Nobody in the class knows except Johny who is flailing his arms all over the place saying "I know,I know, I know,I know,". The teacher has many times kicked Johny out of the classroom for lude remarks, and is affraid to call on him. After several akward moments she finally says, "Ok Johny how many are left?" Johny replys, "0. The other 2 are going to take off as soon as they hear the gun fire". She smiled and said, "Wrong answer but I like the way you think!" Johny says, "Since I answered your question, can you answer a question for me? She says ok fire away. Johny says, "There are 3 women on a park bench and they all have a popsickle. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married? The teacher's face turns beat red and she says nervously, "The one sucking on it?". Johny says, "No it's the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!"


Here is one the bush in hell reminded me of.
I had a dream that me and you went to hell. The Devil said, "In these rooms await your punishment for all eternity." You 2 will make love to these women for eternity. In my room was Janet Reno. In your room was Britney Spears. I said what the heck is going on here this aint fair man. The Devil replied, "Yes it is dude. Janet is your punishment and your friend here, is Britney Spears punishment.

 

you may have heard this before but i like it so i'll say it anyway.


Two hunters are hunting deerr in the woods. One of them drops his gun and grabs his chest. He has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Heisn't moving and doesn't seem to be breathing. The second hunter takes his phone and phones the emergency services.

Hunter-"Help, i'm in the woods and i think my friends had a heart attack, think he's dead."

Operator-"Calm down sir, the first thing to do is to make sure he's dead."

There is silence at the operator's end as the hunter puts the phone down. The operarator hears a gunshot and the hunter comes back on the line.

Hunter-"I've down that what do I do now."

 

I like this one.

Similarities Between a Round of Golf and Urinating in a Public Restroom

1. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick backswing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anybody.
7. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
8. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
9. Be quiet while others are about to go.
10. Keep strokes to a minimum.