A few jokes, on cruddy cars

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Ok, first we need a rubbish old and worthless car, i pick an old mini, (sorry all mini owners/lovers)

Q.How do you double the value of your Mini?
A.Fill it up with petrol

Q.What do you call a convertable Mini?
A.A skip

Blonde/Brunette jokesorry to all blondes)

Q.If you throw a blonde and a brunette out of the same plane without parachutes or any means of saving themselves, which yould hit the ground first?
A.The brunette, the blonde'd have to ask fer directions

Other Joke:

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman 'Got any fish?'. The barman says no we dont have any fish, the next day, he goes into the bar again, and says 'Got any fish?'And again the barmans ays no, we dont sell fish. The next day, he goes in and says 'Got any fish?' the barman says, look, ive told ye twice, we dont have any fish. If you ask me one more bloody time ill nail your feet the the ***king floor!
The next day, he oes in and says, 'Got any nails?' the barman says no, the duck then says 'Good, got any fish?'

BoomBOom! post your jokes underneath, i culd do with a laugh

[ August 21, 2002, 12:01: Message edited by: Taluntain ]

 

seph i told you that joke in the chatroom and it was from a building!

Anyways, a tramp goes into a bar and says can i have a coctail stick and the barman gives him one. A second tramp comes in and gets the same thing. A third comes in and asks for a straw. What for says the barman??? and the tramp says, someone threw up outside and all the lumpy bits are gone.

[ August 20, 2002, 20:03: Message edited by: Z-Layrex ]

 

Did you? i got it from school before that, but h, post some of yours im waaaaaaaaaaaaay bored

 

a blond goes into a doctors and says "everywhere i touch it hurts. The doctor says "your finger's broken"

 

nah, knew dat one, nice try though...

My Turn:
A journalist goes into Afghanistan to spend a year with the english troops, after a while hes curious about some things so he finds the sargeant and asks 'What do yu do fer sex?' The sargeant just gestures towards a camel.

The journalist, disgusted, goes to bed, but after a month or two, hes REAAAAALLY sexually frustrated, so he goes and screws the camel.

The next mornin, he says to the Sargeant, 'that camel was the best sex i EVER had', the sargeant says 'Hmm, interesting, cos we only use it to ride up to the brothel in town every weekend

 

damn funny, i can't think of any right now, anyway if we just tell jokes to each we'll get told to go to a chat room

[ August 20, 2002, 20:15: Message edited by: Z-Layrex ]

 

Aye, tal may whine about 1-2-1 chats.. my advice?

Buy "The Biggest Book of Pub Jokes" its sweet

A man is sranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman after being shipwrecked off a celebrity cruise, they get to know each other, and start to have passionate sex every night.

but after a while, our guy gets a bit depressed and all upset, Nicole asks whats wrong, and he says he misses his chats in the pub with his mates, so she says 'Im an actress, if i out on some male clothes from the trunks that washed up, we could act it out', the guy, with nothing to lose agrees, nicole changes, then sits next to him, the man says 'Oi Joe, you'll never guess who Ive been shaggin'

ANOTHER

Every Friday night, a man walks into a chemists buys a pack of condoms then walks out laghing, after a while, the two shop clerks get a little intrigued, ad a bit suspicious, so one of them decides to follow him if it continues...

The next week, he does the same, again walking out p155ing himself as he leaves, so the week after, they one of the clerks folows him.

He returns and the other guy asks, 'Did you follow him?' 'yeah' says the other guy '...he went over to your house'

[ August 20, 2002, 20:25: Message edited by: xlMacStroudlx ]

 

I'm sure he wouldn't 'whine' as you put it.

 

Hmmm, ok Sorry tal when you rad this lot

 

This is a little epitaph someone sent me. I don't know if it is true, but it sure is funny.

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

 

If I ever met the person, sorrey I mean guy, who started the whole blondes being thick and all that, i'd kill him with nothing but my own hands!
Anyway, A man walkes into a shop with a frog on his head and the shopkeeper looks at him and says "Blimey! How did that happen!" And the frog replies "It started off as a spot on my bottem!"

[ August 20, 2002, 21:56: Message edited by: Lady Loulex ]

 

ROFL! Much better than the one before yours M'lady, very well done, out a smile on my face that one id, thankyou

KEEP EM COMIN'!

 

I can't think of any good ones so here's some crappy ones.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Why did the hand cross the road?
To get to the second hand shop.

And by the way, how do you pronounce your name? And can i call you axle or mac?

[ August 20, 2002, 22:46: Message edited by: Lady Loulex ]

 

er...call me mark, call me mac, call me Strud, call me eph, why Axel? the xl______lx is jes fer decoration....

Those joks could be better, least someone makes the effort tho

 

Have you got any better ones?

 

HELLYEAH! but youre a lady... u may not be impressed....

Is up to you, you want them?

 

Yeah! Spill.

 

ok i got 2, 1 now, and if THIS is too dirty, say

An old man goes into a pub, and sees this BEAUUUUUUUTIFUL woman, blonde hair, big titrs, long legs, pretty too!

She sits next to our 85 yr old man and asks if he wants a drink, yeah please he says. Then she asks him to dance, and they do, then she asks him to go to his place, and he does, after a night of wild sex.

Then the next day, he goes into a church and goes in the confession room thingy, he says : i am an 85 year old man, and last night i had sex with a 25 year old blonde bombshell,

The Vicar sees not too much wrong, and says, ok, go and say 10 hail mary's, the man says 'I cant, Im jewish'

the vicar asks, 'then why did u tell me?', 'im eighty-friggin-five, im telling EVERYONE!

 

Q: What does FORD stand for?
A: Fix or repair daily.

Q: What does FORD mean backwards?
A: Driver returns on foot.

Most people have heard of the first one, but not many have heard of the second one.

 

Hope I haven't already posted this one here... but...

Love blossoms at the nursing home, and 90 year old Myrtle marries 95 year old Harold. They get married in the common room as their elderly friends smile and dab a tear from their eyes, then after a cup of tea and slice of cake they go up to their room to consummate their marriage.

Afterwards, as they lie in each other's arms, Harold says tenderly, "darling Myrtle, if I'd known you were a virgin I'd have been more gentle".

And Myrtle replies, "Harold, if I'd thought you could actually get it up, I'd have taken my underpants off".