A question or two for the ladies...

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...though I guess the guys can voice their opinion as well if they like.
I was just wondering if I could get mainly some female opinions on a couple of situations, as I'm all but useless around females I don't know unless friends are around.

The first situation: pretty simple, I've seen a young woman around town who looks quite familiar to me but I don't want to approach her and just blurt out "have we met?" and risk having it sound like I'm hitting on her. Mainly because she has had a baby with her each time I've seen her so AFAIK there is a significant other in the picture. Is there a way I can ask this question in order to ease my curiosity without it seeming like I'm trying to pick her up?

The second situation: There's a young woman working at the convenience store near my home (age unknown, probably early 20's at the oldest) who always seems to brighten up when I walk in (though of course, that may be my imagination and most likely is). Is there a safe way for me to find out if it IS just my imagination withough risking embarrasment on her behalf or my behalf?

 

For the first situation, do you remember the name of the girl you think she is? If so, you can walk up and say "pardon me, but is your name _____? That makes it clear that you intentions are to identify if you already know her.

As for the second situation, that's what small talk is for. You can get around to things like hobbies and pastimes to find out if you have a common interest. Then perhaps you could propose an outing based on a common interest. If she accepts, then she's likely interested. If she hedges about, then probably not. At that point you can drop the idea without embarrasment.

 

For the first one:

If you just want to ask if you haven't met or something... well, go ahead. This will require some "Please don't get me wrong, but I think we have met." or something like that. However, if you don't intend to pick her up, maybe you'd better give up on it and spare both her and yourself an embarrassing moment?

As for the second one, here's how I do it:

Smile. Smile when you're walking by, smile when she's looking at you, smile when you talk to her. You probably want to smile anyway, so don't restrain yourself. After some time of such mutual smiling, she will probably approach you or make it apparent that she wants you to approach her. It will work like charm if you don't shy away at any point. But don't act macho, either The trick is to be confident in approaching her but not so confident as to look as if you believed she were about to throw herself at your feet. And you'll be set. It takes a strong man not to be afraid to show weakness and women know that. It's part of charm to be a little shy etc, which means natural. After all, acting makes you focus on yourself instead of her and that's bad.

If you slip a compliment or two about how lovely she looks in that dress or something, she will get the hint you aren't just in for friendly chatter.

Try asking her out after some time. "Will you... with me...?" is better replaced with "Shall we...?". "How about we...?" is, however, a bad idea. Direct but not overly so.

If she doesn't agree for whatever reason, don't ask her if a different time or kind of activity would suit her better. If she's really interested she will come up with something. If she's really interested but shy, she probably won't come up with anything, but will agree readily the next time you ask in order not to blow her chances of getting to know a nice guy. If she refuses, there's still some possibility the excuses are real, even if they sound like a typical sweet dumping line. In that case, however, she will most likely try to come up with something, so there's no use at all insisting. They like persisting men, but they hate insisting men.

Been there, done that. I only screw up at later stages. What works for me doesn't have to work for you, however, so don't expect miracles, but it most probably will work fine.

 

Small talk has already begun, just a couple of examples here, and feel free to gag if you feel the need.

The first time we actually spoke, she had been in the coolroom and came rushing out to serve as the other girl was also busy, she made some comment about having been eating chocolate and it felt like some was in her teeth so I replied: "If there is any, I can't see it" followed by a "thanks" and a smile in reply.

A couple of days later when she was working again, I made a throaway comment about eating any more chocolate so she held up a mini KitKat for me to see.
Another example: she asked me if I'd been at one of 2 particular spots the day before, I told her I'd been at the second and she said she thought she'd seen me there. So I said it's a bit hard to miss me in my big black greatcoat.

The latest example: I went to the shop last night and she commented on the fact that I wasn't wearing my greatcoat.

Anyway, like I said feel free to gag.

 

Not bad Aldazar, better than the smalltalk I get at work.

Advice:Be yourself and be honest.

[ July 21, 2004, 13:23: Message edited by: Dark Haired Beauty ]

 

Aldazar, with the first lady just approach her in an indirect way and just tell her that you are sorry to bother her but that she looks familiar and your curiosity always gets the best of you. If you are friendly and chat with her like you would with a friendly stranger at a bus-stop then she probably won't think you are hitting on her.

With the second girl just treat her like a friend and don't move too fast unless it is really the right moment. It sounds like she already likes you as a potential friend and maybe more. Try brushing your hand "accidently" against her hand. If she doesn't pull away or look edgy then she probably is interested. If she does look uncomfortable you can always apologize for being clumsy.

 

@Aldazar: It goes in the right direction

Still doesn't mean she isn't only in for friendship. The best way to use Dragonfly's suggestion is on dance floor when slow-dancing. As the situation warrants, you can try various things like holding her closer, moving your palm a little on her back... well, a little stroking even goes, but you should really know the moment is right for that. Then you check her reaction. If she neither bites your limbs off nor runs away, she likes you. Possibly more. If she reciprocates, most probably more (though not necessarily so).

You could try the hands trick when walking beside her if you two go out somewhere. It's very proper to hold her when she falters, trips on something or similar. It's normal to touch her arm when you're indicating the direction in which to go (yeah, the strong man that shows and clears the way for her, and still so mild and wonderfully protective etc etc). If she starts complaining about it or something, it means she's over-sensitive and prepared for you hitting on her, which probably means she has a wrong picture of the caring and sensitive guy that you are Eh, and probably it means she isn't supportive of the idea. At least not yet. If she neither reacts anyhow nor looks uncomfortable with what you've just done, it's fine. If she's really attracted, she will probably try and do the same to you.

As sort of a joke, you can give her you arm. Girls typically like it, but guys rarely think about it. Go ahead and take the risk or pray it's raining and only you of the two have an umbrella

I wouldn't try the Classic Outflanking Maneuver (as you start walking in from behind her, you place a hand on her hip or waist and when you finish walking in, you have her outflanked) yet, as it's too early for any such moves and it could blow your chances. However, if the situation warrants it, it's very powerful. When you feel absolutely confident that you will get away with it, you may try it. If she leans against you or whatever such, you're set. But I'd rather wait a bit with this one - only not for long, it's still in the realm of Engaging Maneuvers. Doesn't work on privacy freaks or several most aggressive breeds of feminazi (OK, it works sometimes even on those, but you need to take a couple of CHA checks against a big DC).

Note: in all situations, even if she clings to you, it still doesn't always mean she's attracted "this way". You'll have to sense it or take a guess. Or likely both partly.

[ July 21, 2004, 12:40: Message edited by: chevalier ]

 

If you think it is, then it is. In both cases, don't bother, as neither of them is worth it. They approach you if they have something to say, end of business.

 

Yeah, that's a great approach, wait for her to come up and, "make a move!" I'm sure you'll get far with that.

What's so bad about walking up and talking to someone?

Fear of getting rejected? Oh no!

I know, "What if you get rejected?"
Well that certainly would be a *terrible* thing.

More importantly:
What if you *don't* get rejected?

Well you certainly won't find out, asking strangers about it on the internet, and certainly not if you listen to Wirhe.

 

Like you knew any better. I was simply saying that it is not worth it, and here you are; all planning how to "hit" her.

Funny, in fact, if you read this all through carefully.

 

I agree with ArtEChoke that standing about and doing nothing is usually not a very good thing to do. I tried this tactic for almost 24 years now (I'm 24) and it never worked out the way I liked it.

If you'd really like to know if you've met her, then why wouldn't you ask? Because people might think you got a crush on her? Let them think and they thought wrong. Do not care too much for what people think of you.
Other point: If you'd really met her, why doesn't she ask you? And so if she doesn't ask you, she'd probably not remember and so you wouldn't want her to ask anyway.
I am confusing myself. Can anybody explain me to me?

 

First situation: Go and ask her like Dragonfly suggested. That way there should be no misunderstandings.

Second situation: Like Chev said, it goes in the right direction. She seems to recognize you, recognize things about you (greatcoat), like to talk to you and smiles at you instead of frowning at you and ignoring you. Just go on from there, asking her a few questions and see how it goes. Follow up on what you know from her so far, like the places she has been (where she suspected seeing you). What did she do there, is she interested in... etc.

 

You misunderstand me; I'm not saying he shouldn't do anything as much as I'm pointing out that pursuing relationships is vain. Sure, if she looks interesting, go ahead and talk to her -she will not be doing anything from her own half-, but in the end you will most likely just end up being that "strange fellow who asked something I can't remember."

So just get to the nearest bar, hook someone, and forget all about her in the morning.

 

Tssk Tssk Wirhe - a cynical person thou artst indeed. :biggrin:
Seriously though, such negativity may prevent bruises to heart and/or ego, but it's not going to get you anywhere either.
@Aldazar: You seem to be doing fine - just beware appearing pushy, I'd say that women will sooner want a pushy man away than a shy man...
Not that I have any knowledge in this field, for that matter.

 

Depends of what you see as "going somewhere." Career first, nagging women second.

 

Am I the only one who is feeling this strange "women are objects" vibe from Wirhe?

 

Ok, must find out what bar Wirhe goes to, then as he says, "hook him" then proceed to nag him to death.

 

@ Eaglearrow

I didn't say that. Even though it would be nice if there were some shops where you could buy them from shelf...

@ DHB

You can try that -I'm pretty nag-resistant though, so it might go like "swoosh" -right over the head.

Sooo... how 'bout we stop questioning my preferences and returned to the general "How to Hit a Woman" -line? Of course, my PM is open for all marriage-proposals and group-orgy invitations.

[ July 22, 2004, 20:23: Message edited by: Wirhe ]

 

No, quite contrary. What he says is that pursuing relationships is vain, which is true, and that important concerns such as one's education and work are more important that bothering women. Essentially: fooling around is a bad bargain and the time could be spent better. That's reasonable.

 

@Wirrhe: you missed a word, it's not about "How to hit a woman", I've already been falsely accused of that, it's about "How to hit ON a woman". Other than that, I do tend to agree with you completely on relationships being a waste of time, particularly when my self-esteem is low. But then, that's most of the time, I have horrible self-esteem.

Anyway, thanks everyone for you suggestions, this is actually turning into quite a discussion, keep 'em coming too. There is a good chance though that I'm seen as nothing more than another customer (which I'm fine with I guess because at least it's ONE woman showing some interest in me) but I'm gonna keep working at it as I have thus far. It would be good though if it ends up being a bit more than that.