A spot of light relief

Remove all ads!

Shura! you are one of the greatest writers i have ever read! Why don't you go into writing as a career!

But now i am bored of it. I want some fun, i want some comedy and i want something to do other than listen to Queen again and again in the evenings. (i could do homework but it is too hilarious to see the teachers face when i *forget* it!).
So here's the deal. You give me a subject (preferably fantasy) and i will write a story about it!
Just something like the name of the main character and what sort of place he lives in and what he is going to get up to in the story.
I cannot promise you that you will find it funny but i shall try my best.

 

Ok, I am bored , so I gonna give this a try. Maybe this post belongs on the Roleplaying board, but I'm not the one to say so.

How about a clanless dwarf with amnesia, living as a streetbeggar in the streets of a gnomish village. The only thing he knows is his name, Argentum Firebeard, which is burned in the flesh of his left shoulder. He is not used to dwarwen customs, so he even shaved off his beard and starved himself to pass for a gnome, so he could score a gnomish noble woman. Untill now, he had no success, and now he sits in 'his' alley thinking about a way to impress her. He was able to train a sewer rat, who follows him around everywhere. He yet has to think of a name for the critter...

 

Igneous, two options

1. You use drugs
2. You have very much fantasy

Good subject to write a story about this, I will surely read it. Maybe Tal can better create a new forum, for the writers here

 

I wouldn't suggest Dargorn anything else too, Since I thought this idea was super. I am sure Dargorn's genious for humor will add on this background story.

I wonder what he is up to anyway? He is not letting us know. Its like waiting for the NWN release

[This message has been edited by Nobleman (edited October 01, 2001).]

 

No one expects the NWN release!

 

lol

Many do expect the release, see this weeks poll

 

Argentum is bladdered. He is slaughtered, Plastered, drunk as a fart and indeed pissed.
Seated in a foul smelling pile of pig excrement, young Firebeard ponders, how on the fifteen faces of faru'n he could ever pull Lady Hugeconk.
He idilised this Gnomish noblewoman....nay he worshipped her. Her jutting flabby hips, her facial varicus veins, her wire wool hair and her rather pungent aroma (reminisant of boiled cabbage and vassilene) was a young tramp Dwarves fantasy.
But there was something else which at the same time both lured him and made him feel inadequate for her love. Her nose.

Indeed, Argentum's huge endownment was enourmous enough to challenge the great spires of Candlekeep themselves. But even this paled in insignifigance compared to the member belonging to madam conkface.
Her nasal region was so well blessed in fact that except on formal occaisions she was forced to wheel it around on a trolley made from reinforced amnish steel.

Argentum wakes from his fantasy land to the prying of his pet sewer rat. Suffering from amnesia Argentum had forgotton what he called him before so decided that his new name should be Maximus Grillium, Earl of Sewer Grate, Duke of floaters, Supreme Chancellor of all unpleasent odours. But he called him Derek for short. This little rodent had become Firebeard's only friend and sole company as he went on life's journey. That night they went out on the pull together.

Argentum woke the next morning as usual with a sore head, a mouth full of excrement and wearing a small latex Bra with tassel attachment.
That was the final straw. He was fed up with his pathetic existence he must go and impress his true love!

Turning up at the main hall busy rearanging his brand new latex underwear, Argentum stood nervousley awaiting Ms Conkface. He was such a regualur attendant at the hall that the guards knew him by first name.
The sqeaking of wheels was heard from around the corner and appearing slightly angrivated the Lady of the house appeared around the corner....with her trolley.

"What do you wish of me now??"
Her shakey and very muffled voice rang melodies of beuty in the head of the young Dwarf. He was so overcome with her...er....Unique.appearence that he began to stammer.

"Erm.....As you may know me'lady...er....i am seeking your hand in marriage..and i was wondering ....erm...if ..erm i could do anything to help my case......yes....erm...hmm?

What little of the lady's face was actually visible lit up in delight.

"There is something actually. There is a tale of a mythical material called golden Adamantium which is strong beyond compare.
I wish you too fetch me some with a suitible tool to fashion it with aswell"

Argentum begins to rummage in his pockets for loose change for the cornershop.

"No you see i need it to fashion some super strong nasal hair clippers with which i can trim daily and not break on my foot wide hairs. This metal can only be found in a distant land called Similon"
"You have your quest now bugger off"

Argentum feels a little stupid....Maybe this was fixed to get rid of him for a while. Whatever the case he needed something to amuse himself so off he set to the tavern to equip himself with a crappy set of armour and large stick with which to gently (but with ferocious intent) tap back his foes on his epic journey.

------------------------------------
There you are a quick prolouge.....more and probably better to come i promise.

 

hehe, very pictoresque...
not bad, for a poodle

 

Quote: *Maximus Grillium, Earl of Sewer Grate, Duke of floaters, Supreme Chancellor of all unpleasent odours.*

Oy! It's just a trained rat dude

Very funny story dude, eagerly awaiting more.

And yeah, headbanger, we whatnots dwellers 'deserve' an own forum, for the humorous and "not so into D&D" roleplaying. When I read some of them (very well written!) stories in that channel, I get confused. Experience points in a story? Where to asign those virtual points?

Nah, is not gonna happen anyway



[This message has been edited by Igneous (edited October 03, 2001).]

 

I am proud of my baby brother. I rarely read anything. This one I just HAD to read twice. Comedy is your ballgame. This is equal to the madness of Monty Pythons tale of king Arthur.

 

Argentum was not really sure what to do next. The Tavern seemed the best bet as he could get some decent equipment there for his adventure.
At the Nose and clippers (can you see the town wide theme yet?) young firebeard found himself the landlord.
Holding forth a rather meager 12 gp he asked for whatever weapons and armour money could buy.
Three punches, five insults, fifteen chickens, two minutes and one set of latex underwear barter later, Argentum stood on the street laden in the best kit that his money could buy. His torso and upper legs wrapped in the finest hessian and brandishing a large staff cracked in half and stuck together with moistened rats droppings and turnip flavoured chewing gum.
It never dawned on Argentum why his fine quality hessian had POTATOES 20KG written on the back.
Derek was clad in a small corset made from last nights used condoms. No more need be said about that.

Now all he needed was to find more companions.
After suggesting this to around thirty people with mixed responses from vomiting to laughing to vomiting he gave up and trudged on to the main gate where he would face the road alone.....
He was told by the guard that the metal he seeked was exactly 1,367 and a quarter miles and then a left turn past the rock.

------------------
Ok that was not funny but i needed to set the scene for his adventure. the next update will get on properly with the story.

 

It is crazy. So it hit the nail perfectly
The guard just threw that number out?
This is even more crazy than Monty Python.

[This message has been edited by Nobleman (edited October 04, 2001).]

 

Argentum faced the open road. It was all about as inviting as a wet T-Shirt competition at fat camp but he must press on.
He toiled and sweated for hours until finally the gate dissapeared on the horizon.
Derek was a bit bemused why his corset was actually sticking to Argentum's shoulder.

Young Firebeard turned to see the last glimpse of the glistening gate and when he turned back he found himself facing someone else. His response as always was polite and very intelligent:

"aaarrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

It was sort of understandable considering the bloke was pretty damn ugly even by Argentum's standards.

"Who in the 467 lairs of Dwarven hell are you?"

"My name is Nutface Moron. I am a magi healer from down horth where i used to be a son of a god. But then i died...ish.
But i was wondering if i could go with you whereever you go...please?"

Argentum knew that this could be a twist of fate that this guy would acompany him to the ends of the earth to fetch the holy snitation nose hair cutters.

"Ok, but i am not gay so don't expect any manly love ok?"

"ok"

So off went the adventurers into the wilderness. One with a limp, one with no beard, one very ugly, four with bad breath.

CHAPTER1!!!!!!

Two pathetic weaklings disguised as adventurers shuffling rather gingerly through the forest. To a Gibberling that translates into lunch (well actually it translates into grukka mug liguje mirtuk yamath grak, but that is just silly)

The gibberling ambused the group. In typical foolish valour Argentum immediatly jumped into Nut's arms, and Nut jumped into Argentum's. Then they both jumped onto derek for protection. The tension was incredible. The wild western stand off silence was only broken by the muffled cry from Derek, Something to do with a punctured spleen.

The Gibberling leapt at the shivering lumps, and then a peculiar turn of events happened.
Argentum was sweating so much that some of it got in the makeshift glue of his staff which moistened the rat droppings to the official RDMSL (rat dropping moistening saftey level) and therefore made the staff break in half aiming one part at the flying blue thing and imapling it through the eye.

The two pillocks sat rather confused at what had happened. Then came spluttering sounds from the drowning Derek below. Nutface remebering that he had once more wet himself in the most dire of situations quickly got up.
Luckily there was a river nearby and they bathed in relitive peace apart from the odd comment comparing Argentum's rather sorry excuse for an edownment as a prune.

It was as Nutface was making another remark about this that Derek got swept away on the freak tide which happened now and again in the river for absolutely no reason what so ever. With a good bit of hesitation Nutface reached for the lifebelt near by and toss it at the sewer rat. It hit the rodent on the head and renedered him unconcious.

In a desperate and by no means heroic attempt to save him all three of them were swept about 30 miles down stream. but Derek was safe........until he fell down the badger trap.
Pulling him out the party realised where they were. The Forest of Mingtrig. Well known for large monsters and strange indigo coloured orange trees.
It had not been Derek's Day.

 

Oh, this is good. Very good. But I have the feeling it would benefit from the inclusion of more turnips, possibly rotten, fermenting ones which explode.

 

So off they went into the slightly confused colour variated forest of Mintrig. With his half gnawed and broken staff in one hand, and a rather moist and dejected rat in the other Argentum Firebeard shuffled not at all boldly out ahead.
He was followed by Nutface Moron III in his great flowing brown and yellow robe (so the stains wouldn't show)which was so well worn nthat it came as a two piece T-shirt and shorts outfit really.

The dark forest loomed above the horizon when suddenly without warning a rock decided it would exist in front of Argentum's foot which of course sent him flying. This sent the soggy rodent flying too except the distance was greater and he landed with a definate *crunch* on another rather spikier rock that had just decided to exist millions of years previously.

Derek was pretty much near death. After a quick but incredibly disastorous divining spell Nutface recognised the lack of a particular essential organ. The rat had completely lost it's bladder and spleen. Which was a bit of a bther considering he was desperate for the loo at the time. There was only one thing to do. they would have to take a minor detour to the Caverns of the second hand and only slightly used organs.

This detour involved a short turn to the right and then to the left past the grassy patch. The opening was about as inviting as an elderly strip joint and the smell was twice as bad. Goodness knows what was running through the pathetic individuals as they entered (actually not true, Nutface could smell kidneys and was thinking lunch)

The caverns wreaked with stuff of a nature which is undescribable. Derek was now having convolsions and actually beginning to chuck up his internal organs in liquified form.
Suddenly as they had been journeying for hours a strange moaning eminated from the depths of the cavern.

Turning the corner revealed an elf. Simply put that is, who seemed to be holding something small and brown in his arms weeping over it.
Not really knowing what the small brown thing was, was the leats of his worries as in a flash the elf leapt to his feet and drew his blade.
Without any perfect moisture levels to rely on this time Argentum decided he would close his eyes and wait for death, this it seemed at the time was the only sensible option.
But unfortuantly like so many stories the physco killer guy has to have is regurlatory five hour speech (sigh).

"Who are you!"

"I am ...erm...Argentum, this is Nutface and this here is half dead Derek."

The elf looked rather puzzled but continued anyway:

"Have you come here to steal all of my organs then transport my dejected body back to some sort of medival science labratory where you will force me to eat my own droppings before disembowling me with a spoon, cutting my legs off, slicing my testicles in half, making me have sexual relations with a hamster and finally shoving a tube up every orifis then later killing my family in a display of your ferocious and cold blooded need for fresh victims on your crusade of evil against those who own seperated organs??????!!!!!"

Argentum thought about this for a little while. And finally reaplied with an answer that was so ingenious it almost impressed Derek.

"No"

(Nutface mentioned something about using a fork instead but this was ignored)

"Oh right. Ok then my name is Colin, can i interest you in some seperated, spare and only slightly damaged organs?"

So after giving him the list of all the parts Derek needed night began to draw in, and down deep in the Caverns they could tell as it got even darker han usual. Colin, who actually was a pretty nice guy sat them down by a fire (fueled by the leftovers of Dereks old organ systems) and began to tell them his complete life story.

It took hours, and the party spent most of the time picking their noses and thinking of sex than listening. so here is the simplified version:

Colin was an Elf. He lived in the city of Silpolin and had a quiet life with his family. But then one day he met someone who he fell in love with. His family hated this lover and refused to let Colin marry her. That ain't fair you might say. However there was one thing Colin forgot to mention. His lover was in fact....a liver.

It was just as he finished his tale when there was a tapping of feet from around the corner all seated arpund the fire sat up bolt upright in fear of what was to appear........

 

Very funny, Poodle. You have some minor mistakes in the composition, but the whole idea deserves both thumbs up...
Keep up the good work, and you'll be from Pedigree Chum on Cesar in no time!

 

cool nuff, Dargorn you have a great sense of humor. I especially like the rat missing the organs part. And the Elf i just hilarious.

[This message has been edited by Firestorm (edited October 14, 2001).]

 

Very funny!! A great read.

I-DID-NOT-HAVE-SEXUAL-RELATIONS-WITH-THAT-HAMSTER!!

 

This was among the funniest I've read in a long time! Keep it up! Please?

 

The tapping of feet around the corner was in fact just a rat........with a bloody great turnip bomb tied to it's tail!!!!!
There was just enough time for Derek to sigh with disbelief and Nutface to realise he had run out of his urine supply for the day and instead had to improvise, before the rat and the turnip blew apart in a mass of mush and entrails.
Argentum was particually unimpressed when one rather small rib bone entered his groinal region which as you may guess must have been very agonising.
Nutface dusted himself off and was about to comment on Argentum's misfortune (something to do with even robin hood not even making a shot like that at such a small target) but was cut short when a huge cry was heard from the caverns round the corner. Suddenly a chant rose up:
Food Fight Food Fight!

Colin's face drop lower than an elephants balls:
"Oh no! It is the evil food pirates. There are many clans and they all use different foods but judging by the turnip i would say thos is the worst of the bunch. The Stew crew!"
Argentum and nutface both had a panic attack but derek just had hysterics`.
"There is only one way to combat these+
foul bands of pirates. We must use sweet to combat savoury and it just so happens i was trying out a new Darien Shit recipie last night (serves 200) for custard and mango pies!
Without a word exchanged each of the adventurers either grabbed or ate a pie and aimed them at the opening.
As expected a group of a bout twenty pirates of all shapes and sizes and loaded with savoury goodies approached.
Now! shouted Colin
With a splash of thund4er and light garnishing of battle the room was plunged into a dreadful standoff. Custard pies and turnips flew everywhere and Pirates who had not been expecting retaliation began to retreat.
But then arrived their reinforcements. Twenty more troops armed with ladels and a cauldron of hot split pea soup with a hint of corriander and a splashing of cream (borrowed from the neighbouring dairy clan after the treay of 'medinner gone coldo')
The battle went terribley for our friends after that. Derek was knocked down by a stray corquette and Nutface was badly beaten by a nasty exploding pea pod.
But then et again the tide turned. Suddenly the ladels became empty though the soup had not run out. What had happened was that the cream had one off and made the whole soup uneadeble and therefore unthrowable. Plus now the Stew Crew were now after the Dairy Fairies for their treachery.
The attackers were gone nearly as suddenly as they had come.
But Derek yet again had been beaten shitless.

Two days later. After Derek ahd been given another set of fresh organs and nutface had had a knot tied in his urinary tract they set off again this time with the aid of the bard Colin. He still carried his lover liver over his left shoulder though.

Scrambling out of the cavern and once agin faced with the great forest they prepared themselves for yet more woe.