A Thief In Every Sense (Needs Criticism)

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Before I post I'd just like to mention a few things. The start of the story I'm written was born from the fact I'm a student and have no money. After finishing 'Road of the Patriarch' which left me with a thirst for more Forgotten Realms novels, but with a complete lack of money, I decided (Probably naively) to write my own! It's free afterall

Secondly the character 'Trias' has no link to Trias the Betrayer in Planescape Torment. Oddly I used the name in several RPG's before I played Planescape and decided to keep it regardless. HOwever if Planescape can be considered canon it's pretty apt.

Thirdly I'd love some constructive criticism

Fourthly enjoy the intro! I'll post more if you like it



A dirty, unkept man in his early thirties picked up his mug of ale with his three remaining fingers and took a swig, glaring at the robed man opposite. The Smoldering Corpse bar was the place the pair had agreed to meet. It was in the heart of Sigil and as always was heaving with patrons. A burning man hovered at the entrance of the bar as he always had done. People entering always took care to circle around him and only the occassional drunk had fallen in and burnt themselves. If the flaming man was in pain he made no screams, he just floated there, as he always had. The smoke was thick in the bar, as it always had been. The Smoldering Corpse was a creature of habit. The grubby man spat on the floor.
"Ye thinking a few copper be enough for killing?"
"I'm not paying you to kill him, I'm paying for his body, Glink." The robed man said calmly.
"But he ain't dead!" Glink's voice began to rise but the thug obviously decided against it by quickly pouring more mead down his throat and tossing the empty mug towards the robed man.
The man opposite merely smiled and motioned for another drink to be brought over.
"I am paying for his body." He said again. "I care not if you wait for him to die of old age, disease..." Glink flashed the man a venemous look with his last good eye. "...Or you could just kill him and get the payment now... And some copper when you deliver."
A fresh mug was delivered and Glink scooped it up and drank deeply.
" Yer a bastard Dusty. You and yer lot..." Glink kept his eye on the Dustman, perhaps hoping to get a rise out of him. If he was, he was sorely disappointed.
"Those are the terms Glink, perform this well and I'm sure we'll be using you again. Being in the employment of the Dustmen is a lucrative one indeed." The Dustman made a point of pulling the sleeves of his robes back, flashing several golden bracelots.
Glink's eye lit up at that and he wet his thin lips with his tongue. Downing the rest of his ale he slammed the mug down and scooped up the coppers on the table.
"Ye got yerself a deal Dusty."
"Excellent." The Dustman produced a contract along with a picture of the man in question and handed it to the would be assassin. "Hand it in, along with his corpse, at the usual place and you'll be hearing from us soon."
The Dustman stood and flashed the little man a smile before turning to leave. Glink paid no attention to the man as he left, instead he was studying the contract, with little success as he was completely illiterate. After a few moments of attempting to teach himself to read he stuffed the paper into his pocket and looked at the picture. It was an elderly man, obviously in his late seventies, Glink recognised him from the local market, a fish merchant, an easy mark. Glink smiled a toothy smile with what little teeth he had left and stood up, pushing passed the bar patrons to the exit.
Stepping outside he took a deep breath of air and sighed happily. An easy kill, a few coppers in his pocket and with the promise of more riches to come. Things were finally looking up for him. Infact he was so happy, when the blade was thrust ino his back and through his stomach he didn't scream he just looked down, surprised at the blade dripping with blood, his blood. When the pain finally registered his mouth opened but a hand quickly clamped it shut, drowning out any kind of noise. Glink was then dragged to the side of the tavern before he felt the blade twist in his gut. He was dead before he hit the ground.
The murderer glanced down at the now dead man. Small horns protruded from the murderer's forehead, betraying his infernal heritage, along with his eyes which were pitch black. He was slender and wore dark clothing that hugged tightly to his body apart from where his clothing had torn, the rags blew gently in the wind. On the belt around his waist were two rusty daggers, one of which was now stained with Glink's blood. If the murderer cared about the blood soaking into his clothing he made little move.
The street was packed with the people of Sigil. Commoners and thugs, harlots and drunken patrons went on by with their lives. If anyone had noticed Glink's grizzly demise they made no move to help him or protest at the spectacle. No the commoners of Sigil, who were simply trying to stay alive knew better than to step in for someone unknown to them. Sigil did not reward it's heroes, unless those heroes were looking for a swift and untimely end.
The tiefling's slender fingers began searching the fallen thug, pulling off a copper necklace and pocketing a few coins until he happened upon the now blood stained contract and picture. The tiefling brought the parchment up so he could quickly scan the document. It was a contract to kill the elderly man in the picture. That was all he needed to know. Placing Glink's possessions into various pockets and pouches on his person then stood up straight. The man was no murderer, no assassin or thug nothing as mundane as that. Trias is what he calls himself, but it is a stolen name. He doesn't just steal coin and valuables, but lives, identities, every part of a being. He was a thief in every sense of the word nothing was beyond his possession.

 

Overall, I quite liked it. Personally, I would like to see a bit more description in there- I know from playing the game that Ignus does not find burning unpleasant, you might make the scene more unsettling for the reader by describing an expression of ecstasy on his face.

Equally, while the attack was sudden, we know very little about how the knife felt when Glink realised it was there, just that it wasn't nice. As a suggestion, you might have said how it felt as through someone had punched him when he was first stabbed. Also, I'd have expected some description of how Glink felt when the knife was twisted in his body- it currently feels a bit too clinical.

On the plus side, you appear to have a good feel for Sigil, it is just hard to feel immersed in the story without description that the reader can use to imagine how the events were played out.

 

Ahh thanks the for reply

Everything you said is very true. When I believe I have a good idea I kind of steam roll through it, putting as much to paper as possible.

I'll take a look and make some edits, then post part two.