A Wizards Tale (fiction)

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This is a story i have just started so tell me what you think.

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PART 1 The Ending

As the cart rolled along the rough road the trader looked around at the surrounding countryside. The once rolling green hills of the Dungyre Kingdom were now covered with the bodies of the warriors, which had fallen in the recent war.
He stopped and jumped down his chain mail rubbing against his sore skin.
“Awe, gees. This chain mail is really starting to get to me.” He said, Picking up a sword from one of the dead bodies and throwing it onto the back of the cart.
“But remember, there are too many bandits around to not were it.” His familiar, a shape shifting Sfend – now in the shape of a man – said, as he too took a sword from a dead body and threw it onto the cart.

Back at the shop the trader unloaded the cart out onto shelves. For the last two days, and ever since the war had ended he had been going out to the site and taking the weapons from the dead bodies to sell at his shop.
There was a ring and he looked up from his work to see two men come in, one with long grey hair, and wearing long blue wizards robes, and the other who was none other than his student had short blond hair and was wearing a second-hand green robe.
The wizard walked up to the counter and rang the bell. Looking around at the weapons on the shelves.
“Yes sir, how may I help you?” The trader said walking round to the back of the counter.
“I was looking for the sword of the chief of command.” The wizard said, in a deep musky voice. “And my apprentice was looking for a second hand wizards staff.”
“Yes I might be able to supply you with a staff but the sword you will have to brows our shelves for yourself.” The Trader said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“You will find it now!” The wizard said pointing his staff at the traders’ throat.
“Yes, s.. s.. Sir.” The trader said browsing the shelves. After twenty minutes he got a footstool and reached up onto the top-most shelf. “Ah, here it is.”
“Thankyou trader,” The wizard said. “And the staff?”
“Oh yes.” The trader said he walked out into the back storeroom and came back two minutes later with a long twisting stick with a green crystal attached to the end. “Here you go,” Handing the wizard the staff. “That will be twenty seven gold coins and thirty three silver.”
“Why that’s a bargain, to get them brand new would cost up to a hundred gold coins.” The wizard said in astonishment.
“Well, we do sell the finest equipment for the cheapest prices.” The trader said feeling proud.
“What is you name young sir?” The wizard said. “I will tell my fellow wizards about you.”
“Fevoir Grandel, sir,” The trader said. “And yours?”
“They call me Gynar Arius, and my apprentice is called Sentor Pylent.” The wizard said. “Now would you be able to tell me where I could go for a good nights sleep?”
“Why you could stay here!” Fevoir the trader said. “We’ve got an extra bedroom, and my wife is a wonderful cook.”
“Why that is fantastic!” The wizard Gynar Arius said. “And do you and your wife have children?”
“Yes we have three, two boys and one girl.” Fevoir said.”
“Well we might be able to tell you all a story.” Arius said. “What do you think Sentor?”
“I think that would be wonderful.” Sentor the apprentice said. “It will hopefully help me get rid of my nightmares.”
“Yes, I’m sure it would.” Arius said. “Telling someone your worries always makes it easier.”
“Yes, Arius it sure does.” Fevoir said.

 

I like the first part.

You know, the "Trader" going out into the field of battle, to find weapons and stuff.

I also liked the store part, but the wizard seemd to happy.... not that I dont like happy wizards, for I am one.

But you did start him out as grumpy, and for me that was part of the mystery of the wizard.

Never the less, personality changes in characters are normal. Yet how they come about is very important for the story…. Let me give you an example.

The merchant brought the staff, and the sword. But when asked about the price, the merchant responded with some fear.

Well me lord, it is a fine sword ,and Um…(Cough) barely used, and Um….

“The wizard becomes impatient, and slams his hand on the counter”
Out with it man! For I don’t have all the Realms, to wait for you’re blasted stuttering.

The merchant snaps back, with "some surprise," to himself, and the others.
It be 30 gold, and 60 silver, for both! And ye wont find a better deal anywhere!
“The merchant then loses his nerve, and starts to shake, but holds his ground.

“The wizard cocks eye, and leans closer, to get a good look at the man”
“Well” so you have some back bone, after all.
The wizard then cracks a smile, “to the relief of the merchant” and says…

Thats a terrific deal, it would cost twice that new! How do you give such good deals?

The merchant “coughs” well, Sir like your “magical” secrets, I cant be telling all my tricks of the trade. So lets just say, those who I get this stuff from are “dead serious" and don’t want me telling.

The “Wizard” laughs at the riddled joke…..

(((Anyway you get the idea, it shows more of why a “wizard” or anyone would change personalities so fast))

*** But hay,though over all It’s a great story and I hope to read more as you post ***

 

Great names and locations
I would like to hear more about how the places looked and sounded and smelt especially in a Kingdom called Dungyre.

I agree about the Wizards, If I was serving someone that pleasant I would have checked to see if Sentor Pylent was shoplifting while I was being distracted

 

*grumble* *whine*

Does anyone bother to break their story down or check spelling and grammar anymore?

Otherwise, it's alright.

 

Hey, that was very nice. Look forward to your next post .

BTW, best take Oaz's advice, hes very sensitive about these sorts of things .

 

Well, yeah! I don't want to need glasses!

 

PART 2: THE BEGINNING

The sorceress wondered through the forest wondering if she would ever find her way out. The creaking of the trunks and the rustling of the leaves made her shiver, the light of the full moon cast eerie shadows over the ground.
“Where are we going master?” Her Familiar said.
“I don’t know you idiot.” The sorceress said sounding very annoyed.
“Look why don’t we stop and make camp for the night, you’re looking very stressed.”
“Stressed…STRESSED!” The sorceress screamed. “Why wouldn’t I be stressed we’ve been wondering around this forest for the last three days. We have no food left and you keep bugging me how can I not be stressed.”
Her familiar stopped suddenly, its keen ears and eyes could sense something invisible to the sorceresses senses. “There’s something coming.” He said.
“What?!” The sorceress yelled.
“There’s something coming, I can hear it.” The familiar said, climbing up a tree.
“Well I can fight it, I do have magical powers or did that slip your mind?” The sorceress said, at that they heard a loud crunch as something huge knocked a tree over.
“RUN!!!” The familiar said jumping down from the tree and beginning to run in the opposite direction from the noise.
“Don’t leave me hear?” The sorceress screamed running after him.
“What…is…it?” she said through puffs once she had caught up with her familiar.
“I don’t know, but it could be a troll.” The familiar said.
“A TROLL!” The sorceress said. “AAAAHHHHHH!!”
They ran and ran, away from that never changing noise of a troll smashing through the trees after them. Eventually they came to the edge of the forest, the sorceress jumped behind a rock and threw her cloak over her familiar and herself.
“Adren caltundi.” She muttered and the cloak blended them in with the rock.
The noise of the troll smashing into the opening came soon after, its confused grunts making it sound very angry. Its huge grey eyes spotted the rock and it slowly came tramping up to the hiding place it looked over it and saw another smaller rock, it then spotted another rock a few yards in front, much larger than the one the sorceress and her familiar were behind, disguised as another rock. The troll ran up to the rock and jumped behind it, it hit the ground at such a force that it made the ground shake.
A few seconds later out of the forest came a huge dragon with a troll slayer sitting on its neck.
“Eaaroar tookler.” The dragon slayer said to its dragon. The dragon flapped its huge green wings and it took flight.
The sorceress pulled the cloak off her head to watch the troll slayer do his work, but then had a sudden urge of sorrow and cast a spell at the troll slayers dragon. The dragon screamed in pain and exploded in a burst of green flame.
“Wilgar froltek ambde hatfu!” The sorceress screamed and she and her familiar disappeared in a puff of smoke.

 

NOW you've captured my attention! Your first installment would not have made me leave the store with the book; it was too standard. This one, however, introduces a characters and a situation that's not the usual stuff.

But please work on cleaning up your grammar, typing, and sentence structure. Few writings are worth reading when it's a chore to slog through poor language.

 

It looks a tad more interesting, although I still agree with Rally that grammar/spelling should be checked. And it probably wouldn't kill you to break down the story with spaces between every paragraph.

 

Very good, I thought it showed “tension and excitement”. This looks fun to read, keep up the good work.

The only negative I could find, was ((troll slayers dragon)) that’s at the bottom of your story. It just sounded odd, don’t you think?

But hay, your doing great!

 

Another great story her at the boards! Keep writing man!

 

PART 3

The Sorceress appeared in the Wizards Study Chamber, Her cloak now making he invisible.

"What are we doing master?" Her Familiar whispered to her.

"Shut up you idiot we need to find out why i killed that dragon and the Troll-Slayer." The Sorceress said through gritted teeth. Her hands were shaking, she hadn't been so nervous her whole life, what had happened to her, usually she would have helped the Troll-Slayer.

They crept up to the wizards study bench and the sorceress threw the cloak off her and sat down on the chair. She flicked through the wizards notes and diarys. But then one caught her eye, it was headed; MY THOUGHTS OF THE COMING DANGER.

She stuffed the pages in her bag and stood up, but then heard the wizard unlocking the door.

 

Good to see you've broken it down; still have grammtaical/spelling errors though. It is interesting, but too short to make any judgment.

 

The sorceress threw her cloak over herself agin making her invisible. Her familiar jumped under with her just as the door opened.

"... yes and i will make sure that the sorceress is out of the way before we act..." It was the wizard.

"Okay but first try and find out what this evil is so thaqt we can get rid of it before she finds out." The King was with him.

The sorceress slowly walked around the desk and stood facing the wizard, still invisible.

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I'LL PUT MORE ON LATER