About warning a potential victim.

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I was discussing something with a friend of mine the other day and thought it would probably make a good topic for the Alleys.

It's been almost a year since I left my abusive husband. As is the nature of men like that he has found another lady to fill the space that I left. Because of what I went through, all my instincts are yelling at me to find a way to let his new woman know what she is getting into. This is not something that I will do however because I have to be concerned about retaliation if he ever found out that I tried to warn her. I have my kids to protect and can't take any chances.

The court proceeding will soon come to an end. Although I have not discussed it with my lawyer I wanted to know if the law courts ever intervene on behalf of a potential victim. It seems like a good idea that if a convicted abuser tried to remarry, that his potential wife/husband be warned, by the courts or someone appointed by the courts, about his abusive nature.

I realize that there are endless red strings involved and this is mostly an idealistic concept, but I'm curious about your opinions on the matter.

 

Like I said, I am staying out of it. I'm interested in the legal/moral issues if the court was to get involved when a person is convicted of similar charges.

Btw Tal, I agree with you about the reactions of a person in that situation, which is another reason I am not involving myself.

 

The legal moral issue of this situation is that you can't punish someone for something he might do in the future. The whole innocent until proven guilty. You would need to change the entire system and make abusive men to be on the same level as sex offenders (which I reckon they most often are anyway although rarely convicted).

It is up to the people who know what kind of dick he is to warn this new woman, as Tal says it may not work but I think she deserves a heads up. Some women are smart enough to take it.

 

As Dice points out though, in cases where there is a conviction, the criminality of the subject is public record and not conjecture. And as you say joaquin, there is precedent with sex offenders - lists are published with their locations so they can be avoided, etc. In those cases they have not committed future sex crimes, but local (and even federal) governments still deem it necessary and appropriate to warn citizens about them. Fundamentally a crime is a crime - I don't really see why a potential battery victim is much different in terms of deservedness of official warnings than a potential sex crime victim. I'm not aware of it happening much though in the case of domestic abuse convicts.

As to the mentality of people involved with abusers in new relationships, I believe that oftentimes their instincts are telling them to get away due to subtle clues, but there sentimentality is protected by rationalizations. These can often be very thin though, and when broken through the whole charade can come crashing down. Hence I think it is possible to successfully warn people, and the original point of it being a warning from authorities would probably be most convincing. e.g., compare a person privately telling another person that your new boyfriend is a creep to the police department telling them he's been convicted of 19 counts of domestic battery. I would have a hard time hanging onto my rationalizations that he's really a good guy in the latter case.

 

When I wrote "rarely convicted" I was talking about mean who beat and abuse most often do so sexually as well but that doesn't mean that they ever get convicted for rape or other sexual offences.

I am not really comfortable even with convicted sex offenders being punished for their entire lives, our entire Western system of justice is built around the idea that you pay for your crimes and then you should have a chance to get on with your life. Heard about men who took a piss in a bush and was spotted, convicted for indecent exposure and spent the rest of their lives on a list of sex offenders. Where do we draw the line? What crimes are possible to atone? If there are crimes that it is not possible to atone for why let them out in the first place?

I do think we have a civil responsibility here instead, if we know that person X has been abusive in one relationship the moral thing is to warn if only for our own conscience. One reason these men can batter woman after woman is that no one stops them, no one warns. They might not believe when they are warned but the first slap will be a lot harder to accept if you have been warned. If you are afraid of repercussions there are ways around, I am sure more people than you know about his treatment of you Dice. There are many ways to find out about people, tell someone who knows someone to tell her. Contact a mother or a sibling, co-worker or something. Create a fake account or use someone else's Facebook account and contact someone close to the new woman. Say that he was very abusive to his last partner and that you don't want to divulge who you are because you are seriously afraid of him and that they may not take you seriously but that for your own peace of mind want to give this warning and they can do with it as they please.

 

Here's another idea: get a copy of that persons' criminal record (this is generally public information) and anonymously mail it to the person at risk. Although that still runs the risk of the abuser deducing who might most likely have tipped their new lover off. That's another reason why it would seem ideal for authorities to do this: is the abuser going to go beat up the police chief in retaliation? Not likely, and good luck to him if he tries to storm the police station or city hall.

 

And then we are back to my first point.

 

You both make good points here.

Joacqin, I was actually considering some of the methods that you suggested. In my situation, the woman who I wish could be warned actually works in an educational institution. I am sure there are a number of knowledgeable people who could be tipped off who she might be willing to listen to. However I also understand that sometimes you just don't want to believe the new person in your life is someone who can possibly make it miserable. I still cannot risk contacting her for my own self-protection and the protection of my children.

As Gaear pointed out, a person is far more likely to listen to an objective warning from the police. Possibly the reason there are no "warning" systems in place against physical and verbal abusers is that it would cost too much government money and time overhauling the system to implement it.

 

Lol BTA, if you ever get into politics I'll vote for you. (Except for the fact I'm Canadian)